Wednesday, June 13, 2007
hey you. yeah, me, i'm talking to you. i will find a way to speak to you today, and make us understand. i am here, to try and come to terms with you. that is why i am always here, to try and find some common ground between our wild swings. what will help us. that is what i am seeking. what will help us be the person we want to be. so i am speaking to you. i am speaking to both of you. i am speaking to all three of us. me right now, me the person reading this, and me the ultimate goal.
we have done some great work. every time we are here, we dig a little deeper, and hone our craft. we find a little bit more, and the full scope of our internal work becomes just a little more meaningful. but we need to examine this. we need to focus on what we are doing. because we can't, and that makes me think we are coming at this from the wrong direction.
i will bring light to one of our errors. we are always looking for the thing that will fix us, as if there is some neatly packaged answer. we jump from idea to idea, and latch on as if it will save us. we divert so much attention to this new thing, and build it up so much that we can't see anything else. we want to believe that this is all there is, all it will take. just that one new realization that will make everything right and good. but that won't work, and we know it. i think this is linked to our ability to follow through. we build these individual things up so much in our mind. but we know that when they aren't the complete answer, we will have to start all over, and we think this will be a devastating waste.
there is nothing that will complete us, that will make everything fall into place. the full picture is built by these individual pieces. when we do this, chomp down on one single bone, the picture starts stretching, and we lose the rest. we hide everything else from ourselves. we block ourselves out. there is no way that one thing will bring us to terms with ourselves, the provide perfect piece of mind.
this we already know. we don't want to admit this, but we know it. we hide that truth from ourselves. but this isn't exactly covering new territory. what are the real ramifications of this individual revelation. what sort of direction can it give us, besides the obvious trite answer of "pull back further". lets find the path of thought around this idea.
if i am seeking answers, and seeking them frantically enough that i need one thing to save me, what questions am i asking? what do i need to come to terms with. is it failure? it isn't that simple. the real question doesn't have an answer, which is why i haven't found one. closer to the truth, is how can i think and feel like i am so superior to average mean of humanity and still draw failure to me. how can i possibly have nothing to show for it. it rips my mind apart, this dichotomy. i mean, i know i am not superman. i am not exactly divine, but i am not some below average being scraping himself through life. i have tried reaching a happy medium, shooting dead center and being average and mediocre, but that tore me even further. then, i knew i was a failure, and worse it was constant and ever present. so, i switched directions. i sought out first those things that were subhuman in me, which was simply destructive, and made me subhuman, then denied them entirely and sought out only those things that i saw as above the mean, but by ignoring my weaknesses they kept coming to the forefront and amplifying themselves. and, if it were simply a matter of ignoring them both, we wouldn't be here, because i try to live in a blank state lacking thought as much as possible. but i can't shake it. i can't get rid of this. these are where my swings go, from worthless to without error. and it can happen so fast, that i end up hiding from both, searching for the one thing that will make everything even and smooth and end the turmoil.
but it always comes back to that one thing. that i can't be just average. if it were that simple, we would be golden, because i can summon mediocrity effortlessly. to me, it is life without any challenge, stripped of all color and taste. it is impossible for me to accept that. for us to accept that. which is proof that there is more. it is proof that i am not subhuman, and that despite my weaknesses, i am on the right track by firmly planting myself above center. and if i am above center, everything about me should be above average. everything. i need to find those weaknesses, and when i do, i need to yank them back up to my level.
if i am truly a gifted human, someone with a simple talent for life that puts me above the majority, then i need to own that and nurture it instead of using it as an excuse to live in a mediocre manner. skating on that talent brings me back towards the mean, which is probably the source of the feelings of inadequacy. i need to to better. i need to live above my talents, so i am pushing myself. if there is proof, it isn't some crackpot narcissistic idea i have built as a coping mechanism to deal with perceived inadequacy. it is real, and it means i need to adjust my thinking. maybe i do need to start perceiving myself as divine. well, at least start holding my thoughts and actions to some higher standard, so those ugly little things start being shaken out. and when the dirt makes itself clear, i need to stop making excuses for myself. my higher self doesn't have room for arbitrary faults, simple flaws bred out of apathy and laziness. because that is the bar i have set for myself: apathetic and lazy. the fact that i am still above the mean doesn't prove anything, besides the fact that because i have no impact on the world around me despite my talent means i am not coming close to fulfilling my potential.
it is housecleaning, plain and simple. it is keeping my mind in order. no sympathy for the detrimental, no matter how easy it feels. and no sympathy for our strengths, because until we reach the divine, it is not enough and there is still room to grow. oh sweet laziness, it is going to be so hard to let you go. this will not be simple
i am struck by a sudden pang of fear. some things that are swirling in my mind, i have no idea how to begin deconstructing. i don't know if more writing can even help now. i am being hit by the full force of tonight's outcome, and i am at a loss. this is good, it is somewhere to start, but help won't come right now.
we have done some great work. every time we are here, we dig a little deeper, and hone our craft. we find a little bit more, and the full scope of our internal work becomes just a little more meaningful. but we need to examine this. we need to focus on what we are doing. because we can't, and that makes me think we are coming at this from the wrong direction.
i will bring light to one of our errors. we are always looking for the thing that will fix us, as if there is some neatly packaged answer. we jump from idea to idea, and latch on as if it will save us. we divert so much attention to this new thing, and build it up so much that we can't see anything else. we want to believe that this is all there is, all it will take. just that one new realization that will make everything right and good. but that won't work, and we know it. i think this is linked to our ability to follow through. we build these individual things up so much in our mind. but we know that when they aren't the complete answer, we will have to start all over, and we think this will be a devastating waste.
there is nothing that will complete us, that will make everything fall into place. the full picture is built by these individual pieces. when we do this, chomp down on one single bone, the picture starts stretching, and we lose the rest. we hide everything else from ourselves. we block ourselves out. there is no way that one thing will bring us to terms with ourselves, the provide perfect piece of mind.
this we already know. we don't want to admit this, but we know it. we hide that truth from ourselves. but this isn't exactly covering new territory. what are the real ramifications of this individual revelation. what sort of direction can it give us, besides the obvious trite answer of "pull back further". lets find the path of thought around this idea.
if i am seeking answers, and seeking them frantically enough that i need one thing to save me, what questions am i asking? what do i need to come to terms with. is it failure? it isn't that simple. the real question doesn't have an answer, which is why i haven't found one. closer to the truth, is how can i think and feel like i am so superior to average mean of humanity and still draw failure to me. how can i possibly have nothing to show for it. it rips my mind apart, this dichotomy. i mean, i know i am not superman. i am not exactly divine, but i am not some below average being scraping himself through life. i have tried reaching a happy medium, shooting dead center and being average and mediocre, but that tore me even further. then, i knew i was a failure, and worse it was constant and ever present. so, i switched directions. i sought out first those things that were subhuman in me, which was simply destructive, and made me subhuman, then denied them entirely and sought out only those things that i saw as above the mean, but by ignoring my weaknesses they kept coming to the forefront and amplifying themselves. and, if it were simply a matter of ignoring them both, we wouldn't be here, because i try to live in a blank state lacking thought as much as possible. but i can't shake it. i can't get rid of this. these are where my swings go, from worthless to without error. and it can happen so fast, that i end up hiding from both, searching for the one thing that will make everything even and smooth and end the turmoil.
but it always comes back to that one thing. that i can't be just average. if it were that simple, we would be golden, because i can summon mediocrity effortlessly. to me, it is life without any challenge, stripped of all color and taste. it is impossible for me to accept that. for us to accept that. which is proof that there is more. it is proof that i am not subhuman, and that despite my weaknesses, i am on the right track by firmly planting myself above center. and if i am above center, everything about me should be above average. everything. i need to find those weaknesses, and when i do, i need to yank them back up to my level.
if i am truly a gifted human, someone with a simple talent for life that puts me above the majority, then i need to own that and nurture it instead of using it as an excuse to live in a mediocre manner. skating on that talent brings me back towards the mean, which is probably the source of the feelings of inadequacy. i need to to better. i need to live above my talents, so i am pushing myself. if there is proof, it isn't some crackpot narcissistic idea i have built as a coping mechanism to deal with perceived inadequacy. it is real, and it means i need to adjust my thinking. maybe i do need to start perceiving myself as divine. well, at least start holding my thoughts and actions to some higher standard, so those ugly little things start being shaken out. and when the dirt makes itself clear, i need to stop making excuses for myself. my higher self doesn't have room for arbitrary faults, simple flaws bred out of apathy and laziness. because that is the bar i have set for myself: apathetic and lazy. the fact that i am still above the mean doesn't prove anything, besides the fact that because i have no impact on the world around me despite my talent means i am not coming close to fulfilling my potential.
it is housecleaning, plain and simple. it is keeping my mind in order. no sympathy for the detrimental, no matter how easy it feels. and no sympathy for our strengths, because until we reach the divine, it is not enough and there is still room to grow. oh sweet laziness, it is going to be so hard to let you go. this will not be simple
i am struck by a sudden pang of fear. some things that are swirling in my mind, i have no idea how to begin deconstructing. i don't know if more writing can even help now. i am being hit by the full force of tonight's outcome, and i am at a loss. this is good, it is somewhere to start, but help won't come right now.
