Sunday, July 08, 2007
i admit, there is something very off about me right now. something just isn't right, something i can't quite pinpoint. i can't exactly tell you when it started, but i have a good guess that it was right around the time of the huge responsibility shift we had at work. this is probably why things have been coming to a head these last two weeks, it is just a magnification of a building problem.
reasons are inconsequential, the fact is i am not feeling well. i can deal with the stomach issues, the headaches, and the exhaustion too a point. the thing that really has me rattled is the constant nightmares. i am waking up in the middle of the night screaming, i am having continuation dreams that keep escalating, and the worst thing of all, dreams i can identify as dreams, but can't force myself out of.
this is also mirroring real life, a magnification of larger issues. my mind feels like it is trying to force its way out of my skin, but it is stuck. i feel like i have been swallowed by a snake, and i am forcing my way through it, but it never ends. it is a struggle for constant movement in eternal confinement. it is eating away at me, and it is causing me problems, and i am getting tired of it. it is messing with me. it is taking me away from larger things.
so i come here. i could wallow. in fact, that is what i have been doing, but i don't want that anymore. i want movement. i need to abate this negative momentum. if i can't tip the scales here and now, i want to start the process. i need some sort of balance, because i have been desperately short on that recently, and i need something for my peace of mind.
i am caught in the periphery. i saw into the future, i saw a thought process i wasn't quite prepared for recently. i had a vision of what i would be thinking, and i have been content to wait for it to happen. but i have neglected the process of the now that led to that, thereby jeopardizing things in the now. so i have been slowly dragging myself away from that inner area i was circling around. the internal scope has been forced into a smaller sphere, while the external sphere has been growing, its scope reaching first to encompass the internal, and then buried under its own needs. like i said, i haven't been myself. i haven't been able to go inside myself, inside my thoughts. i have been sitting here, dictating my way through the future happenings of the world around me, instead of guiding my way through my mind. there has been now me. i have been cycling through the inevitable bullshit over and over and over, and as it keeps piling up around me, i have been drawing it inside me, instead of sealing myself inside my internal barrier so it can simply slide away. i have been trying to take everything inside me, take all the responsibility, all the failures, every single little thing that has gone wrong, and make sense of it, instead of focusing on the next immediate problem. it has buried me, and i have been constantly behind.
instead of living inside myself, with the strength of myself wrapped around me like a shield, i have been living outside of myself, using my body as a shield between me and the real world. like i said, i am caught in the periphery of my mind. i am fighting an endless defensive action, looking down at the things that are familiar and comfortable to me, but never able to dive down and be among them.
i need to get past this way of thinking. my work environment is poison, plain and simple. when i try to do this, and make the work personal, this is what happens. it starts to eat away at me. when i let it splash against me and drain away is when i find success. it broke down my outer barriers. it smashed right through them, and has been running wild in my mind, and on most days, i feel it is all i can do to protect that core of me from the madness. we are going through a really bad stretch right now, and i have taken that onus on me, when it is not my cross to bear. i wish i could simply remove myself from such a toxic situation, but i can't find a simulation where that leads to success. i need to be working. i am simply not making enough money to build an exit plan quickly. hell, i am on the edge of making money period right now. i am finding myself in that ugly limbo stage of pingponging numbers. as little as i am making, there isn't a better solution immediately available, and i don't have the cushion i need to make a change. that is just the truth. it would be easy to leave, but impossible to leave gracefully, and the last thing i need is a black mark on my decent reputation that would cement me down at minimum wage and financial ruins.
but the pingpong never lasts. i always start crawling away, no matter what happens. and when i do, and the ball starts floating up again on an unseen gust of air, then i will be able to go. i will be able to float away and into the world i have already seen. that is the frustration. i have the plan in place, and i know what it is going to take. and i am close, i am really really close. the upper end of the pingpong keeps flirting with the numbers i need, that is the frustration. that i am so close to where i need to be, but i keep being sucked down, back into the poisonous polluted clouds below me.
i am suddenly overwhelmed. i have literally been at the end of my rope, in a hopeless state that scared me. but now that my planning has hit me again, and the math has come back to me, i am so grateful, because i have made my plan purposefully simple so no matter what happens, it will never be too far away, always within my grasp. i can see it, i can see the numbers, and they are suddenly a great comfort to me. as little as i have, it is still enough for now, and close to what i need to start completely fresh.
i guess this outpouring has shown me exactly what i need. that there is hope on all fronts. that mental peace and my envisioned growth is close, just that i was overzealous when i saw it. that my escape is still near, painfully near, it just isn't sustainably eminent. but it is still there. in fact, i think the two are linked. i think they have always been linked. i think the finalization of my planning led me to see what i saw.
here is what i am going to dream about tonight: when i find myself in the same ugly dream i have been having nightly, the dream i can't escape, i am going to be caught on an unseen gust of air, and fly into the sky. i am going to float away, look above me and laugh. now that i know this, i will finally be able to sleep at night, and wake up refreshed.
reasons are inconsequential, the fact is i am not feeling well. i can deal with the stomach issues, the headaches, and the exhaustion too a point. the thing that really has me rattled is the constant nightmares. i am waking up in the middle of the night screaming, i am having continuation dreams that keep escalating, and the worst thing of all, dreams i can identify as dreams, but can't force myself out of.
this is also mirroring real life, a magnification of larger issues. my mind feels like it is trying to force its way out of my skin, but it is stuck. i feel like i have been swallowed by a snake, and i am forcing my way through it, but it never ends. it is a struggle for constant movement in eternal confinement. it is eating away at me, and it is causing me problems, and i am getting tired of it. it is messing with me. it is taking me away from larger things.
so i come here. i could wallow. in fact, that is what i have been doing, but i don't want that anymore. i want movement. i need to abate this negative momentum. if i can't tip the scales here and now, i want to start the process. i need some sort of balance, because i have been desperately short on that recently, and i need something for my peace of mind.
i am caught in the periphery. i saw into the future, i saw a thought process i wasn't quite prepared for recently. i had a vision of what i would be thinking, and i have been content to wait for it to happen. but i have neglected the process of the now that led to that, thereby jeopardizing things in the now. so i have been slowly dragging myself away from that inner area i was circling around. the internal scope has been forced into a smaller sphere, while the external sphere has been growing, its scope reaching first to encompass the internal, and then buried under its own needs. like i said, i haven't been myself. i haven't been able to go inside myself, inside my thoughts. i have been sitting here, dictating my way through the future happenings of the world around me, instead of guiding my way through my mind. there has been now me. i have been cycling through the inevitable bullshit over and over and over, and as it keeps piling up around me, i have been drawing it inside me, instead of sealing myself inside my internal barrier so it can simply slide away. i have been trying to take everything inside me, take all the responsibility, all the failures, every single little thing that has gone wrong, and make sense of it, instead of focusing on the next immediate problem. it has buried me, and i have been constantly behind.
instead of living inside myself, with the strength of myself wrapped around me like a shield, i have been living outside of myself, using my body as a shield between me and the real world. like i said, i am caught in the periphery of my mind. i am fighting an endless defensive action, looking down at the things that are familiar and comfortable to me, but never able to dive down and be among them.
i need to get past this way of thinking. my work environment is poison, plain and simple. when i try to do this, and make the work personal, this is what happens. it starts to eat away at me. when i let it splash against me and drain away is when i find success. it broke down my outer barriers. it smashed right through them, and has been running wild in my mind, and on most days, i feel it is all i can do to protect that core of me from the madness. we are going through a really bad stretch right now, and i have taken that onus on me, when it is not my cross to bear. i wish i could simply remove myself from such a toxic situation, but i can't find a simulation where that leads to success. i need to be working. i am simply not making enough money to build an exit plan quickly. hell, i am on the edge of making money period right now. i am finding myself in that ugly limbo stage of pingponging numbers. as little as i am making, there isn't a better solution immediately available, and i don't have the cushion i need to make a change. that is just the truth. it would be easy to leave, but impossible to leave gracefully, and the last thing i need is a black mark on my decent reputation that would cement me down at minimum wage and financial ruins.
but the pingpong never lasts. i always start crawling away, no matter what happens. and when i do, and the ball starts floating up again on an unseen gust of air, then i will be able to go. i will be able to float away and into the world i have already seen. that is the frustration. i have the plan in place, and i know what it is going to take. and i am close, i am really really close. the upper end of the pingpong keeps flirting with the numbers i need, that is the frustration. that i am so close to where i need to be, but i keep being sucked down, back into the poisonous polluted clouds below me.
i am suddenly overwhelmed. i have literally been at the end of my rope, in a hopeless state that scared me. but now that my planning has hit me again, and the math has come back to me, i am so grateful, because i have made my plan purposefully simple so no matter what happens, it will never be too far away, always within my grasp. i can see it, i can see the numbers, and they are suddenly a great comfort to me. as little as i have, it is still enough for now, and close to what i need to start completely fresh.
i guess this outpouring has shown me exactly what i need. that there is hope on all fronts. that mental peace and my envisioned growth is close, just that i was overzealous when i saw it. that my escape is still near, painfully near, it just isn't sustainably eminent. but it is still there. in fact, i think the two are linked. i think they have always been linked. i think the finalization of my planning led me to see what i saw.
here is what i am going to dream about tonight: when i find myself in the same ugly dream i have been having nightly, the dream i can't escape, i am going to be caught on an unseen gust of air, and fly into the sky. i am going to float away, look above me and laugh. now that i know this, i will finally be able to sleep at night, and wake up refreshed.
