Wednesday, January 16, 2008
and now, i am here. how long has it been since i have seriously looked through this window? studied myself without the filters of circumstance.
so, lets start with circumstance. if there was ever any doubts, i have proven my nocturnal nature. it took 3 days (including the weekend) for me to hit my stride. in bed after 5 am, out of bed afternoon. since that first monday, that has been the routine, what my body naturally resets too. it is what has always felt right to me, my saturday nature.
but why? it is simple. it gives me time to myself. that may seem odd, considering how much time i spend alone. it isn't about the simple basic state of aloneness, it is about pure aloneness. a time when everyone, literally everyone is gone, but i am still there. as the night progresses, it is almost like i feel the tension slip away, as i feel the people around me drifting into sleep. when 1 am hits, and i know i have hours ahead of me that are truly mine, when everyone around me is gone, that i relax. nothing really changes, in my actions or routine, but my mind and body need this time. after 6 am and before midnight, people are awake, bustling about. they could call, they could need something, they could be there when i leave the house. they have the potential to consciously recognize my existence. but for these 5 or 6 hours, it is only me. i can live in an empty world.
i am not sure what sort of pathos this is, but i need this complete absence. a place where there is no one but me and silence. there is no place i can go to find this, so i substitute a time as the next best thing. maybe this is why i have built an almost obsessive sense of individualism. i have been training my ability to survive in this situation, because i know this solitude is necessary. why? i don't argue, but why? there has to be some reason. i don't think i am ready to approach that yet. maybe i am afraid to know that i need solitude so absolutely. it is just one part of me warring against another. there are no absolutes, because there is no one me
so, lets start with circumstance. if there was ever any doubts, i have proven my nocturnal nature. it took 3 days (including the weekend) for me to hit my stride. in bed after 5 am, out of bed afternoon. since that first monday, that has been the routine, what my body naturally resets too. it is what has always felt right to me, my saturday nature.
but why? it is simple. it gives me time to myself. that may seem odd, considering how much time i spend alone. it isn't about the simple basic state of aloneness, it is about pure aloneness. a time when everyone, literally everyone is gone, but i am still there. as the night progresses, it is almost like i feel the tension slip away, as i feel the people around me drifting into sleep. when 1 am hits, and i know i have hours ahead of me that are truly mine, when everyone around me is gone, that i relax. nothing really changes, in my actions or routine, but my mind and body need this time. after 6 am and before midnight, people are awake, bustling about. they could call, they could need something, they could be there when i leave the house. they have the potential to consciously recognize my existence. but for these 5 or 6 hours, it is only me. i can live in an empty world.
i am not sure what sort of pathos this is, but i need this complete absence. a place where there is no one but me and silence. there is no place i can go to find this, so i substitute a time as the next best thing. maybe this is why i have built an almost obsessive sense of individualism. i have been training my ability to survive in this situation, because i know this solitude is necessary. why? i don't argue, but why? there has to be some reason. i don't think i am ready to approach that yet. maybe i am afraid to know that i need solitude so absolutely. it is just one part of me warring against another. there are no absolutes, because there is no one me
