Wednesday, January 23, 2008
i am not sure what to do. normally this would terrify me. it is one of my biggest fears, being in a position completely foreign to me, and unsure of what to do. but right now i don't care. i don't have to care. i don 't have to protect myself from this. i can just live. live whatever life i can. i always need to be the one with answers. i always need to be able to tell people something when they ask, even if my response isn't the truth. i end up cowed into saying something, and no one even cares, and we both end up looking like idiots because it puts up an immediate wall. things aren't instantaneous. i should learn from this here, that there is a time for introspection, even on a small scale during ordinary conversation. people don't care what i have to say, as long as i mean what i say. and if i don't want too, i don't even have to say anything. it is true, that i don't care. everyone knows i don't care, so it is fake and obvious when i feign attention. that silence scares me though, because it can mask uncertainty. what i haven't considered, up to this point, is that uncertainty is just the state of being before knowledge is found. it is not static. with patience, it takes care of itself. that is what i needed to learn tonight. patience, silence, and an earnest presence in the place of an obsessive, hyper-alert state driven by fear. i never saw through this, and while it may not be a complete answer, it could help me, and my general state of mind.
