Friday, April 04, 2008
yaaaaaaah. i rank a zero in the thoughts department, and a three (make that four this week) in the doing things department. a reversal. i feel like a dead man. a functioning body dragging a big sack of grey mush around for the ride. my brain is there to throw my center of gravity off. it makes me top heavy and off balance. most of the time, it can't be bothered to send impulses to my neck to hold itself upright. it is fucking ridiculous, is what it is. my mind is on wholesale strike. my thoughts have completely disappeared. i could go digging for justification for my laziness. i could build all sorts of false positives to absolve me. i could say after such a time of intense of focus on the mental aspects of my being, i need to focus on the physical. i could say brains need time to recharge, a rest period before being thrust back into full operating mode. i don't believe either of those. they are pretty words on the page, and have the stink of reasonable all over them, but they are just a shell game without a pebble.
the mind atrophies. why is my mind atrophying? oh, i wish i had a straight answer. i will tell you, it has been a year now without smoking weed regularly as a personal source of mental fuel, and it has effected me more than i let on. i smoke probably once or twice a week still, but it is always with other people, and with me, the social aspect burns away most of the desobering aspects, even if i am with people i know very well. there is something about sitting around with nothing to do, smoking a bowl all to yourself at your own pace in your own home without any requirements on your time on the horizon. the most telling thing is, i listen to music maybe once or twice a week, and then i make it through an album, if that. i haven't gone to sleep listening to an album since i moved over a year ago, which is not so ironically when everything had to change. i have lost the inspiration in my life. i've lost the artistry in my thought processes. instead of facing this depressing fact and finding some sort of internal solution, i have retracted the expansive world i built for myself and hid it safely away somewhere where it can't be touched by my depression. i guess depression isn't really the right word. i don't like that word anyways. while the feeling may be real, i think it is misunderstood. it is the ultimate excuse. the cure depression is ultimately fairly simple. you stop thinking about it, stop wallowing in the negativity, and it turns into simple neutrality once your attention is thoroughly distracted. people don't appreciate neutral. adding that one simple idea in the middle can make a huge impact in controlling emotional swings. but we don't want grey. we don't want to go through steps, we want that immediate solution. oh well. yeah, i have been more depressed than usual i guess, that that isn't a new phenomenon. that is more on the scale of the last 6 months, not the last month. the last few months i have been pretty neutral, pretty normal. the overall result has been positive over that time frame. it is just not where i want to be, or feel like i should be.
i need to start digging in. i can safely excavate my world, i think is what i am saying. not that it was ever weak enough to be destroyed by such outside forces, but i obviously felt enough pressure to go into full on turtle mode without consciously seeing it happen. oof, now what do i do to fix it. gah, solutions to problems i hadn't really noticed. i'd like to just ignore it some more, but i'm here, and i'm working things through, so might as well stick with it a little more.
sitting here listening to an album, i think music may be a simple, effortless beginning. i can go dig up my favorite albums again. nothing against the hip hop i've been listening too, since finding good hip hop has been another revelation in my musical enjoyment, but that doesn't even begin to describe my listening tastes. it is the latest flavor of the month, just part of a much much larger whole. another set of great albums that have their own little niche. i need to dig out other albums, because in the absence of weed these albums can serve the same purpose, a connection to different thought processes that i haven't been able to connect to. that can be my link, because right now i don't even know what they are or where to find them. it is like when you wake up from a dream, and even though you were just having it seconds before, you can't remember anything that happened. you still have the feeling, the structure of the thoughts, the shape of the words you would use to describe what you were just thinking and seeing right there in your mind, but it is all gibberish at this point. ahhh, this is instantly comforting, which can only be a good sign. not the instantaneous loss of thought, but using a mental soundtrack as sort of a counterstrike, an instantaneous link to thought, the creation of words and pictures within the structure that is already their, waiting patiently for something to utilize it.
so there we go. something, ANYTHING to try and strike a balance within the all encompassing nothing. something easy enough that i can actually accomplish without effort, and that is the main thing. i am not so keen on effort. i've never really been willing to embrace it, so we'll have to work with that in mind.
the mind atrophies. why is my mind atrophying? oh, i wish i had a straight answer. i will tell you, it has been a year now without smoking weed regularly as a personal source of mental fuel, and it has effected me more than i let on. i smoke probably once or twice a week still, but it is always with other people, and with me, the social aspect burns away most of the desobering aspects, even if i am with people i know very well. there is something about sitting around with nothing to do, smoking a bowl all to yourself at your own pace in your own home without any requirements on your time on the horizon. the most telling thing is, i listen to music maybe once or twice a week, and then i make it through an album, if that. i haven't gone to sleep listening to an album since i moved over a year ago, which is not so ironically when everything had to change. i have lost the inspiration in my life. i've lost the artistry in my thought processes. instead of facing this depressing fact and finding some sort of internal solution, i have retracted the expansive world i built for myself and hid it safely away somewhere where it can't be touched by my depression. i guess depression isn't really the right word. i don't like that word anyways. while the feeling may be real, i think it is misunderstood. it is the ultimate excuse. the cure depression is ultimately fairly simple. you stop thinking about it, stop wallowing in the negativity, and it turns into simple neutrality once your attention is thoroughly distracted. people don't appreciate neutral. adding that one simple idea in the middle can make a huge impact in controlling emotional swings. but we don't want grey. we don't want to go through steps, we want that immediate solution. oh well. yeah, i have been more depressed than usual i guess, that that isn't a new phenomenon. that is more on the scale of the last 6 months, not the last month. the last few months i have been pretty neutral, pretty normal. the overall result has been positive over that time frame. it is just not where i want to be, or feel like i should be.
i need to start digging in. i can safely excavate my world, i think is what i am saying. not that it was ever weak enough to be destroyed by such outside forces, but i obviously felt enough pressure to go into full on turtle mode without consciously seeing it happen. oof, now what do i do to fix it. gah, solutions to problems i hadn't really noticed. i'd like to just ignore it some more, but i'm here, and i'm working things through, so might as well stick with it a little more.
sitting here listening to an album, i think music may be a simple, effortless beginning. i can go dig up my favorite albums again. nothing against the hip hop i've been listening too, since finding good hip hop has been another revelation in my musical enjoyment, but that doesn't even begin to describe my listening tastes. it is the latest flavor of the month, just part of a much much larger whole. another set of great albums that have their own little niche. i need to dig out other albums, because in the absence of weed these albums can serve the same purpose, a connection to different thought processes that i haven't been able to connect to. that can be my link, because right now i don't even know what they are or where to find them. it is like when you wake up from a dream, and even though you were just having it seconds before, you can't remember anything that happened. you still have the feeling, the structure of the thoughts, the shape of the words you would use to describe what you were just thinking and seeing right there in your mind, but it is all gibberish at this point. ahhh, this is instantly comforting, which can only be a good sign. not the instantaneous loss of thought, but using a mental soundtrack as sort of a counterstrike, an instantaneous link to thought, the creation of words and pictures within the structure that is already their, waiting patiently for something to utilize it.
so there we go. something, ANYTHING to try and strike a balance within the all encompassing nothing. something easy enough that i can actually accomplish without effort, and that is the main thing. i am not so keen on effort. i've never really been willing to embrace it, so we'll have to work with that in mind.
