Tuesday, March 31, 2009
lets ignore the obvious for a bit and just write. see how long i can put off the inevitable slide into a self-conciliatory funk
so, i am here. i am doing good. i am looking good. what do we have on our hands? a man of many faces. this is a topic i skirt around. i don't really feel like i have a distinct personality. i don't have a set of actions that really define me, that people can take across experiences and use to compare notes when trying to figure me out. i tend to have a much more malleable way of approaching things. i am not one to really care. most of the time, i don't let pride or moral considerations dictate the way things are going to be. if i am around someone, i am just naturally going to adjust the way i act to make things amenable to them. i don't see it as a denial of myself, or a compromise of my true character, it is just the way i operate. i feel i can just experience a fuller range of human emotions and perceptions than most without passing judgments on myself or others. i guess to put it bluntly, however you are, i can be. that is, if you and your actions are worth my time. i had to throw that in there, but that isn't ever really a problem. i tend not to surround myself with people i don't find interesting. if i do, it is usually happenstance, and either cold neutrality or empty platitudes will lubricate the situation until they aren't around anymore.
anyways, i guess i am something of a doppelganger. i have always wanted to talk about this, i have tried and failed, but now that i am, i am not sure what that says about me. mostly, it is just kind of baseline traits that take over, goofiness, cynicism, nerdiness, whatever. sometimes it does bleed over into moods and conversations and what have you, but that is hardly unique to me and what we are talking about, so i'll kind of gloss over that, even if it is something of a symptom. anyways, i imagine it can put a fair amount of stress on people, when i become something of a mirror for them. most people are much more fragile than they let on, and that i can totally understand. it took me a long time facing some hard truths to build the inner strength i feel i possess. is it fair to other people? i don't know, that seems like a silly question though. i am not doing anything malicious, i am really just reading people, picking up on who they are, and aligning the similarities in our personalities. if they are uncomfortable with who they are, or unready to face themselves, how can i avoid that? it isn't like i am fully incorporating them. i am not everything at the same time. i am many things, maybe more than most which is why i can find common ground with just about everyone, but it is not like i co opt the entirety of who they are.
i don't know. i guess that is why i am introvert. i make sense to myself. if there is something that bothers me, i have built the systems needed to find some sort of answer or solution, if not fix things. other people are more of a mystery. i want to know and understand things. i want to dialogue with people like i do here. and sometimes i can do that. some people, more so than others.
so, who the fuck am i? i mean, i admit to myself i don't have solid personality traits. i haven't really known many people long enough, in solid stretches of time, for trends to really develop in their eyes, not that i would expect most people to really take the time to make those connections. the one person, really, is ryan, and that is kind of another weird circumstance. i mean, we have known each other for a long time to varying degrees, and for almost a decade now have had this somewhat unnatural insight into the metaphysical through these blogs. i don't know if he could even begin to deconstruct me in a way that would even help. for me, it is kind of like, well, he's just ryan... you want to know about his personality? well, what part. when he is in social situations, when he is alone, when he is out on the town, when he is around his wife... i don't even know what i would say. it would all be the same empty, expected tripe to feed whoever was dumb enough to ask such a weird question in the first place.
so, it is down to me, and i'm not sure even i have the answers right now. i am sure there are some things that will shine through. i really would like a way to be, you know? it is actually somewhat exhausting being me sometimes. i wish i was simple enough that i had one set of mannerisms that ruled who i was. i think it would be really nice to have some sort of fall back that isn't just straight up blank-faced introversion. pulling back behind my eyes never really helps things.
now that i just realized that, i have this hunger. i have this need for answers. i want to know, and i want it to be simple, and i want it right now. i want, i want, i want, but i can't have. i have to wait, and even if i do, there is no saying whether i will ever find resolution. probably not. at least not positive resolution. things are never that simple, you very rarely end up with an outcome that you can claim categorically positive. but hey, give up immediately, and there is always a negative outcome. i really fucking hate that saying. i just hate the realization after the fact that yes, you really did waste that time and effort. at that point, you just have to pull whatever lessons you can out of it. this goes back to the whole "what have i learned today?" it is really ironic, that statement. it was universally taken as a positive, uplifting exercise, and i definitely intended it to be taken this way by other people. in reality, it was just another way for me to come to grips with life's constant disappointment, and move on and take what i could out of situations without cycling into a destructive pattern. so yes, it did have it's positive aspects, but i never really wanted anyone to know that it was just a gussied up version of the same.
and that has helped. it actually was one of the better things i have done for my own well-being, forcing myself to actually sit down and take notice of situations and what lessons i can take from them. it is way too easy to look at something uncomfortable or potentially uncomfortable and push it completely out of mind, because it would be hard to deal with. well, i am way off point, in any case, let me try to circle the wagons a little bit.
resolution. this search for some concrete semblance of self could be one of those things that i just never touch on again. it could be something i get all gung ho about, and incorporate as a pillar of my life, and drag behind me like a weight until it becomes a bitter, sad little delusion. but it could be another thing that actually helps me gain bearing. i see no downside beyond the typical downsides of self-observation, and i feel i am beyond the point where i have to worry about bearing those loads. i've shoveled enough shit in my time, that i don't really worry about it. it would just be nice, really nice to have something, no matter how small it starts, to point at and come back too when i am feeling out of touch with myself. instead of seeking blindly for that golden ray of inspiration that shows me some sort of inner truth about myself, actually constructing something piece by piece, scientifically.
hmm... there is something to begin with. i am a man of science. i am only attracted to the spiritual side of things because i am fucking lazy. i want some sort of answer with out the work, the aforementioned golden ray of inspiration. but those don't happen. i don't believe in miracles. sure i believe in connections i don't as of yet understand, but mostly i believe in misunderstood coincidence. there is a plausible answer, somewhere, but i wait around too much hoping for that answer to find me. i should just formulate a hypothesis, test it, even if only internally, and then work out a theory that will allow me to carry on with my life. when that theory is inevitably disproven, start the process anew. every time you do, you touch on a purer form of truth. because that truth is always what i am searching for. it would be nice if it was just dropped on me, but how is that a realistic thing to expect?
meh, i am running out of steam. i don't know what happened. life just plays games sometimes. i just look back in time, and i want to capture that moment again. i don't know where it went, or how it disappeared so abruptly. that is the best way to describe everything. abrupt. i am oddly calm, though. we'll see how that works tomorrow though...
yeah, i have some things i need to reconcile. i wrap myself in nice feelings to try to keep them alive. is that a bad thing? it would be a cold world if couldn't do this. i feel a little self-conscious about it, but i deserve to be comfortable and happy once in a while. it isn't like i am creating feelings out of thin air, but i am still walking a that fine line of delusion... i guess as long as i am not lying to myself. i can own up to the feelings i am having, i just can't let them blind me from reality. there we go, i am comfortable with that. that would have been a really bummer of a way to end this post
so, i am here. i am doing good. i am looking good. what do we have on our hands? a man of many faces. this is a topic i skirt around. i don't really feel like i have a distinct personality. i don't have a set of actions that really define me, that people can take across experiences and use to compare notes when trying to figure me out. i tend to have a much more malleable way of approaching things. i am not one to really care. most of the time, i don't let pride or moral considerations dictate the way things are going to be. if i am around someone, i am just naturally going to adjust the way i act to make things amenable to them. i don't see it as a denial of myself, or a compromise of my true character, it is just the way i operate. i feel i can just experience a fuller range of human emotions and perceptions than most without passing judgments on myself or others. i guess to put it bluntly, however you are, i can be. that is, if you and your actions are worth my time. i had to throw that in there, but that isn't ever really a problem. i tend not to surround myself with people i don't find interesting. if i do, it is usually happenstance, and either cold neutrality or empty platitudes will lubricate the situation until they aren't around anymore.
anyways, i guess i am something of a doppelganger. i have always wanted to talk about this, i have tried and failed, but now that i am, i am not sure what that says about me. mostly, it is just kind of baseline traits that take over, goofiness, cynicism, nerdiness, whatever. sometimes it does bleed over into moods and conversations and what have you, but that is hardly unique to me and what we are talking about, so i'll kind of gloss over that, even if it is something of a symptom. anyways, i imagine it can put a fair amount of stress on people, when i become something of a mirror for them. most people are much more fragile than they let on, and that i can totally understand. it took me a long time facing some hard truths to build the inner strength i feel i possess. is it fair to other people? i don't know, that seems like a silly question though. i am not doing anything malicious, i am really just reading people, picking up on who they are, and aligning the similarities in our personalities. if they are uncomfortable with who they are, or unready to face themselves, how can i avoid that? it isn't like i am fully incorporating them. i am not everything at the same time. i am many things, maybe more than most which is why i can find common ground with just about everyone, but it is not like i co opt the entirety of who they are.
i don't know. i guess that is why i am introvert. i make sense to myself. if there is something that bothers me, i have built the systems needed to find some sort of answer or solution, if not fix things. other people are more of a mystery. i want to know and understand things. i want to dialogue with people like i do here. and sometimes i can do that. some people, more so than others.
so, who the fuck am i? i mean, i admit to myself i don't have solid personality traits. i haven't really known many people long enough, in solid stretches of time, for trends to really develop in their eyes, not that i would expect most people to really take the time to make those connections. the one person, really, is ryan, and that is kind of another weird circumstance. i mean, we have known each other for a long time to varying degrees, and for almost a decade now have had this somewhat unnatural insight into the metaphysical through these blogs. i don't know if he could even begin to deconstruct me in a way that would even help. for me, it is kind of like, well, he's just ryan... you want to know about his personality? well, what part. when he is in social situations, when he is alone, when he is out on the town, when he is around his wife... i don't even know what i would say. it would all be the same empty, expected tripe to feed whoever was dumb enough to ask such a weird question in the first place.
so, it is down to me, and i'm not sure even i have the answers right now. i am sure there are some things that will shine through. i really would like a way to be, you know? it is actually somewhat exhausting being me sometimes. i wish i was simple enough that i had one set of mannerisms that ruled who i was. i think it would be really nice to have some sort of fall back that isn't just straight up blank-faced introversion. pulling back behind my eyes never really helps things.
now that i just realized that, i have this hunger. i have this need for answers. i want to know, and i want it to be simple, and i want it right now. i want, i want, i want, but i can't have. i have to wait, and even if i do, there is no saying whether i will ever find resolution. probably not. at least not positive resolution. things are never that simple, you very rarely end up with an outcome that you can claim categorically positive. but hey, give up immediately, and there is always a negative outcome. i really fucking hate that saying. i just hate the realization after the fact that yes, you really did waste that time and effort. at that point, you just have to pull whatever lessons you can out of it. this goes back to the whole "what have i learned today?" it is really ironic, that statement. it was universally taken as a positive, uplifting exercise, and i definitely intended it to be taken this way by other people. in reality, it was just another way for me to come to grips with life's constant disappointment, and move on and take what i could out of situations without cycling into a destructive pattern. so yes, it did have it's positive aspects, but i never really wanted anyone to know that it was just a gussied up version of the same.
and that has helped. it actually was one of the better things i have done for my own well-being, forcing myself to actually sit down and take notice of situations and what lessons i can take from them. it is way too easy to look at something uncomfortable or potentially uncomfortable and push it completely out of mind, because it would be hard to deal with. well, i am way off point, in any case, let me try to circle the wagons a little bit.
resolution. this search for some concrete semblance of self could be one of those things that i just never touch on again. it could be something i get all gung ho about, and incorporate as a pillar of my life, and drag behind me like a weight until it becomes a bitter, sad little delusion. but it could be another thing that actually helps me gain bearing. i see no downside beyond the typical downsides of self-observation, and i feel i am beyond the point where i have to worry about bearing those loads. i've shoveled enough shit in my time, that i don't really worry about it. it would just be nice, really nice to have something, no matter how small it starts, to point at and come back too when i am feeling out of touch with myself. instead of seeking blindly for that golden ray of inspiration that shows me some sort of inner truth about myself, actually constructing something piece by piece, scientifically.
hmm... there is something to begin with. i am a man of science. i am only attracted to the spiritual side of things because i am fucking lazy. i want some sort of answer with out the work, the aforementioned golden ray of inspiration. but those don't happen. i don't believe in miracles. sure i believe in connections i don't as of yet understand, but mostly i believe in misunderstood coincidence. there is a plausible answer, somewhere, but i wait around too much hoping for that answer to find me. i should just formulate a hypothesis, test it, even if only internally, and then work out a theory that will allow me to carry on with my life. when that theory is inevitably disproven, start the process anew. every time you do, you touch on a purer form of truth. because that truth is always what i am searching for. it would be nice if it was just dropped on me, but how is that a realistic thing to expect?
meh, i am running out of steam. i don't know what happened. life just plays games sometimes. i just look back in time, and i want to capture that moment again. i don't know where it went, or how it disappeared so abruptly. that is the best way to describe everything. abrupt. i am oddly calm, though. we'll see how that works tomorrow though...
yeah, i have some things i need to reconcile. i wrap myself in nice feelings to try to keep them alive. is that a bad thing? it would be a cold world if couldn't do this. i feel a little self-conscious about it, but i deserve to be comfortable and happy once in a while. it isn't like i am creating feelings out of thin air, but i am still walking a that fine line of delusion... i guess as long as i am not lying to myself. i can own up to the feelings i am having, i just can't let them blind me from reality. there we go, i am comfortable with that. that would have been a really bummer of a way to end this post
