Thursday, March 26, 2009
yah dee fucking yaaaah
it's wierd. i spend so much time trying to decipher what my emotions are trying to tell me, trying to be totally in tune with the relationships between my mind and my life in general that it is hard to extract myself to them. but i have come to the realization right now that it would just be stupid to try and absorb myself into them. not that they are bad emotions, or that i am ignoring them or anything, it is just a much better idea to try and take more of an observer's view so i don't send my entire life into a raging torrent. at least that is what i think. it seems like a healthy approach.
it is just sort of confusing i guess. not the emotions or my life, just how radically different it seems to me. it is just another balance to seek. everything has it's flipside. if you get caught in an unbreakable routine, eventually life will find a way to screw you because of it.
oh well, anyways, other random transitional phrases i grossly overuse.
i am feeling more normal. i believe i pushed myself beyond my physical capacities, in terms of lack of sleep this weekend/week. that is ok, i had been feeling pretty invincible. i'll have to stop bragging about that crap now, but that is ok too. who wants to hear it anyways. it pretty much took me until today to fully recover, and i am coming out of it a little sick. i blame that on heather though. it is already going away, less than a day after things really hit, so that is good. i get a 4 day weekend now, that is nice. my schedule will be a little wonky over the next two weeks, but that is ok as well. i deserve to take over the load every once in a while. it keeps me on my toes. i feel like i skate by with the shifts i have anyways. i have a pretty sweetheart of a deal, compared to the other girl who opens. i am losing her though. that hurts, it really hurts. she is my protege, the person who has most taken to my style of work. she kicks ass. it has been great to watch her develop over the past few months, i feel she has taken a very similar path to me. she has hit the same barriers and worked through them on her own, just like i did. i am proud of her actually, i mean, we push ourselves pretty hard. it isn't an easy situation we are in, with the hours, and the workload and the consequences of failure. all you can do is go in and do your job and not worry about it. when you do that, things end up working out. you can always fix things if you need too.
it is good to care about that stuff though. i talk a lot of shit, but i care about my job. sure, it pisses me off sometimes, but that isn't the job itself. it is just work in general, and dealing with people (person). that is going to happen no matter what. when it comes down to it, i enjoy what i do, and take my job seriously. yes, i am very good at my job now, so i know know exactly what is needed of me. sometimes i really don't need to pay attention. then again, sometimes i don't need to pay attention, but i do anyways out of boredom. sometimes i push myself just for the fun of it. i really love working on my own, yet still in the presence of other people. i have my own little corner, and my own duties that are completely mine, but there are still other people around. i am sure i would go crazy if i was completely alone, but i like that everything comes down to me when i am on my shifts. it really helps me stay in a rhythm. really, it is why i haven't gotten a mp3 player back there, because i like to know what is going on around me. i could sequester myself off completely, but i feel my shifts would be missing something very important if i did that. i have this closet, i have been thinking about putting some of those cheap tiny speakers in there i can hook up to an mp3 player. the big deal is, there is this window that opens right out to the front, and i can't let the customers hear music. so we can listen to music, we just have to be wearing headphones. but in the closet, with speakers with no bass, i think i might be able to swing it so i can hear it through the little door in the closet, but it won't exactly project out to the front. to do that, i have to wait for our crazy manager to leave though. even if i do something like that, something technically within the spirit of the rule, but against the direct rule we have been given, she will get in a fucking mood and say i can't do it. i know it. but eventually, you know? as long as it doesn't cause problems, heather isn't going to care. it will be worth looking into at least, because that would make my job even better.
blah. blah BLAH BLAH blah blah blah BHAAAALLALALALALALALALA
fucking work. i should stop talking about it. i talk about work way too much. it is pretty all encompassing, it is an intense little place. shit, but without work, where was i going with this? momentum, DEAD.
it's wierd. i spend so much time trying to decipher what my emotions are trying to tell me, trying to be totally in tune with the relationships between my mind and my life in general that it is hard to extract myself to them. but i have come to the realization right now that it would just be stupid to try and absorb myself into them. not that they are bad emotions, or that i am ignoring them or anything, it is just a much better idea to try and take more of an observer's view so i don't send my entire life into a raging torrent. at least that is what i think. it seems like a healthy approach.
it is just sort of confusing i guess. not the emotions or my life, just how radically different it seems to me. it is just another balance to seek. everything has it's flipside. if you get caught in an unbreakable routine, eventually life will find a way to screw you because of it.
oh well, anyways, other random transitional phrases i grossly overuse.
i am feeling more normal. i believe i pushed myself beyond my physical capacities, in terms of lack of sleep this weekend/week. that is ok, i had been feeling pretty invincible. i'll have to stop bragging about that crap now, but that is ok too. who wants to hear it anyways. it pretty much took me until today to fully recover, and i am coming out of it a little sick. i blame that on heather though. it is already going away, less than a day after things really hit, so that is good. i get a 4 day weekend now, that is nice. my schedule will be a little wonky over the next two weeks, but that is ok as well. i deserve to take over the load every once in a while. it keeps me on my toes. i feel like i skate by with the shifts i have anyways. i have a pretty sweetheart of a deal, compared to the other girl who opens. i am losing her though. that hurts, it really hurts. she is my protege, the person who has most taken to my style of work. she kicks ass. it has been great to watch her develop over the past few months, i feel she has taken a very similar path to me. she has hit the same barriers and worked through them on her own, just like i did. i am proud of her actually, i mean, we push ourselves pretty hard. it isn't an easy situation we are in, with the hours, and the workload and the consequences of failure. all you can do is go in and do your job and not worry about it. when you do that, things end up working out. you can always fix things if you need too.
it is good to care about that stuff though. i talk a lot of shit, but i care about my job. sure, it pisses me off sometimes, but that isn't the job itself. it is just work in general, and dealing with people (person). that is going to happen no matter what. when it comes down to it, i enjoy what i do, and take my job seriously. yes, i am very good at my job now, so i know know exactly what is needed of me. sometimes i really don't need to pay attention. then again, sometimes i don't need to pay attention, but i do anyways out of boredom. sometimes i push myself just for the fun of it. i really love working on my own, yet still in the presence of other people. i have my own little corner, and my own duties that are completely mine, but there are still other people around. i am sure i would go crazy if i was completely alone, but i like that everything comes down to me when i am on my shifts. it really helps me stay in a rhythm. really, it is why i haven't gotten a mp3 player back there, because i like to know what is going on around me. i could sequester myself off completely, but i feel my shifts would be missing something very important if i did that. i have this closet, i have been thinking about putting some of those cheap tiny speakers in there i can hook up to an mp3 player. the big deal is, there is this window that opens right out to the front, and i can't let the customers hear music. so we can listen to music, we just have to be wearing headphones. but in the closet, with speakers with no bass, i think i might be able to swing it so i can hear it through the little door in the closet, but it won't exactly project out to the front. to do that, i have to wait for our crazy manager to leave though. even if i do something like that, something technically within the spirit of the rule, but against the direct rule we have been given, she will get in a fucking mood and say i can't do it. i know it. but eventually, you know? as long as it doesn't cause problems, heather isn't going to care. it will be worth looking into at least, because that would make my job even better.
blah. blah BLAH BLAH blah blah blah BHAAAALLALALALALALALALA
fucking work. i should stop talking about it. i talk about work way too much. it is pretty all encompassing, it is an intense little place. shit, but without work, where was i going with this? momentum, DEAD.
