Friday, April 17, 2009
i am here because i had a good idea once, that needs to be simplified and then expanded upon. i am here because once i realize this idea ends with more long term ramifications, i will be able to derive short term mental objectives in the never ending spy games i play against my head. i am here because i am stoned, and being stoned allows me to take thought processes from one problem to another set of concepts entirely, and use the reasoning to work towards solutions unrelated to the original. alright three reasons, i can go on.
finding a way to be. what is the real idea? am i looking for the way i default too? am i looking for the way i wish i was? i say neither, or more a combination of the two. if i am just looking for the way i act naturally, how is there any progress in that idea? if i am looking for the way i wish i was, i am just looking to build another illusion to hide behind. i think this needs to tone down a little, it can't be about building a complete picture and then dropping it like a warhead. consider us in an information gathering stage.
first up, finding which of my default actions i think are positive additions. this can't be about stripping negative habits away. default actions are default actions, i can't just force myself to not do something. eventually, i will slip, and what choice do i have then, besides punishing myself for slipping? no, it can be so much easier. there is no need to get worked up about anything. i need to notice when i do something right. that thing i just did? that was hilarious and awesome. that was dumb, but it worked. that was solid and well reasoned. just like building muscle memory in climbing, i need to build synapse memory for the everyday. that is how i will find the raw material to build something worth my attention.
i want those synapse memories. these last two months or so, having so many things in climbing fall into place organically due to hard work has opened my eyes a little. i remember how i felt when i started, wishing i could do certain moves, knowing my body physically couldn't at this point. there was just so much to work on, i had to be one thing at a time. everything had to be built from scratch, and slowly i could do certain moves, that turned into more moves, and on and on until we are where we are now, which was my goal from the start, to finish all of the wall. now i have done them all, both ways. so now we get to start from here. i see this as the beginning. i was joking around with my coworkers, it only took a year and two months, but i can finally call myself in shape. now it is time to learn how to climb, to learn my climbing.
it may go slowly, but if i can build up those reactions, to notice what works, and focus on hopefully being able to replicate that until it happens by instinct, well that seems like that fits right along the goals of the original idea. that seems like a good solid foundation to build on.
the great thing? climbing wasn't the correlation i was originally working from. climbing was just the vocabulary i used to build the idea. i have another post i wanted to do on vocabulary, but that can wait. that is an idea that needs more structure. anyways, climbing was just a side benefit, a third application for this swirl of ideas. and, it has been very prevalent in my thoughts. i am surprised it doesn't come up in every conversation i have, considering how much of my life and thoughts i dedicate to climbing. i am obsessed, in a good way. it is a fucking rad hobby.
finding a way to be. what is the real idea? am i looking for the way i default too? am i looking for the way i wish i was? i say neither, or more a combination of the two. if i am just looking for the way i act naturally, how is there any progress in that idea? if i am looking for the way i wish i was, i am just looking to build another illusion to hide behind. i think this needs to tone down a little, it can't be about building a complete picture and then dropping it like a warhead. consider us in an information gathering stage.
first up, finding which of my default actions i think are positive additions. this can't be about stripping negative habits away. default actions are default actions, i can't just force myself to not do something. eventually, i will slip, and what choice do i have then, besides punishing myself for slipping? no, it can be so much easier. there is no need to get worked up about anything. i need to notice when i do something right. that thing i just did? that was hilarious and awesome. that was dumb, but it worked. that was solid and well reasoned. just like building muscle memory in climbing, i need to build synapse memory for the everyday. that is how i will find the raw material to build something worth my attention.
i want those synapse memories. these last two months or so, having so many things in climbing fall into place organically due to hard work has opened my eyes a little. i remember how i felt when i started, wishing i could do certain moves, knowing my body physically couldn't at this point. there was just so much to work on, i had to be one thing at a time. everything had to be built from scratch, and slowly i could do certain moves, that turned into more moves, and on and on until we are where we are now, which was my goal from the start, to finish all of the wall. now i have done them all, both ways. so now we get to start from here. i see this as the beginning. i was joking around with my coworkers, it only took a year and two months, but i can finally call myself in shape. now it is time to learn how to climb, to learn my climbing.
it may go slowly, but if i can build up those reactions, to notice what works, and focus on hopefully being able to replicate that until it happens by instinct, well that seems like that fits right along the goals of the original idea. that seems like a good solid foundation to build on.
the great thing? climbing wasn't the correlation i was originally working from. climbing was just the vocabulary i used to build the idea. i have another post i wanted to do on vocabulary, but that can wait. that is an idea that needs more structure. anyways, climbing was just a side benefit, a third application for this swirl of ideas. and, it has been very prevalent in my thoughts. i am surprised it doesn't come up in every conversation i have, considering how much of my life and thoughts i dedicate to climbing. i am obsessed, in a good way. it is a fucking rad hobby.
