Thursday, April 30, 2009
a broken man in a broken world..
but as a man, a single organism, i can hold the pieces together. everything else lacks the desire for cohesion.
the problem i see, with the order of things as we sit here is the underestimation of intelligence. i see people like myself, who have true natural aptitude completely unwilling to apply it because they have a simple ability to comprehend. we have tolerated a certain amount of manipulation throughout our lives, and seen it lead to ruin almost without fail. there comes a point where one can no longer condone the complete bastardization of ones efforts. ironically, it becomes a question of morality. allowing those you affiliate yourself with to inflict harm without questioning makes you guilty by association. you either remove said affiliation, or you are aiding their goals.
i see those with functional intelligence, with true aptitude instead of the ability to create the illusion of competence slowly making themselves unavailable.
it is a shame.
i curse my luck sometimes
i am apoplectic. it hurts me that i came of age in the time i did. i feel that i have witnessed a blight on civilization. i have literally retreated to the point that i have one reason, one person to derive motivation from. based on the fact that i care about this one person, i have become a pillar to ease the weight crashing towards her. and i am willing to bear it. i take pride in strength. i am yearning for something to implement me. i am practically begging the world to utilize me. i refuse to be used as a tool to achieve goals i see as counter to the advancement of civilization, which leaves me with no options. so i apply my talents in a worthless enterprise that really has no bearing on anything, simply because i can feel happy if i provide her with a way to live a little easier, because i believe in her as a person, that she is one of those people like me who would rather see things done well, and properly. someone who believes in the concept of quality.
sure, if i died today, i would feel that my life has been a waste of time. but that is not what i see in the future. in my position, that is what i draw strength from. if civilization truly continues to diverge from the path i choose to follow, then civilization itself is a waste of time. that is where i draw my comfort, my peace with the world. i know there are people much smarter than me out there. they find themselves in places of learning around the world, unfettered by the troubles of the rest of us. the are placed in a room with the tools they need to create. they are the true pillars. they are propping up the facade, and building the tools to escape it. this, this right here where i stand now is not the future of civilization. this is a stain. i am resigned to watch, with varying levels of patience. i read about it every day. i see advancements are made, foundations for the future of humanity to be built upon. a chance to achieve redemption. a chance to survive this cold period, and find a situation to actually live a life i see as productive.
i am not sure if that place will exist on this planet, or even in this century. i believe there will come a time where i can find a sense of accomplishment in the way i live my life. more than the way i live my life, because i can already find fulfillment in the dubious circumstances i am surrounded by. i will be able to draw gratification from my surroundings. to feel like there is something better than myself i am working as a part of. to feel like the effort i offer is working towards the betterment of my entire condition.
i curse the fact that my best chances to see this feeling realized, under current circumstances, rely on off-earth colonization and the removal of aging from the human genome. i am a battered soul. i have burrowed into the earth, and i am waiting for upheaval and change, or a chance to escape once and for all.
but, a lot can happen in 50 years. a lot can happen in 10 years. i continue to weigh my opportunities as they present themselves. and until then? i will stand tall. i will bear what i need to maintain survival, and support those who are a part of the solution. patience
but as a man, a single organism, i can hold the pieces together. everything else lacks the desire for cohesion.
the problem i see, with the order of things as we sit here is the underestimation of intelligence. i see people like myself, who have true natural aptitude completely unwilling to apply it because they have a simple ability to comprehend. we have tolerated a certain amount of manipulation throughout our lives, and seen it lead to ruin almost without fail. there comes a point where one can no longer condone the complete bastardization of ones efforts. ironically, it becomes a question of morality. allowing those you affiliate yourself with to inflict harm without questioning makes you guilty by association. you either remove said affiliation, or you are aiding their goals.
i see those with functional intelligence, with true aptitude instead of the ability to create the illusion of competence slowly making themselves unavailable.
it is a shame.
i curse my luck sometimes
i am apoplectic. it hurts me that i came of age in the time i did. i feel that i have witnessed a blight on civilization. i have literally retreated to the point that i have one reason, one person to derive motivation from. based on the fact that i care about this one person, i have become a pillar to ease the weight crashing towards her. and i am willing to bear it. i take pride in strength. i am yearning for something to implement me. i am practically begging the world to utilize me. i refuse to be used as a tool to achieve goals i see as counter to the advancement of civilization, which leaves me with no options. so i apply my talents in a worthless enterprise that really has no bearing on anything, simply because i can feel happy if i provide her with a way to live a little easier, because i believe in her as a person, that she is one of those people like me who would rather see things done well, and properly. someone who believes in the concept of quality.
sure, if i died today, i would feel that my life has been a waste of time. but that is not what i see in the future. in my position, that is what i draw strength from. if civilization truly continues to diverge from the path i choose to follow, then civilization itself is a waste of time. that is where i draw my comfort, my peace with the world. i know there are people much smarter than me out there. they find themselves in places of learning around the world, unfettered by the troubles of the rest of us. the are placed in a room with the tools they need to create. they are the true pillars. they are propping up the facade, and building the tools to escape it. this, this right here where i stand now is not the future of civilization. this is a stain. i am resigned to watch, with varying levels of patience. i read about it every day. i see advancements are made, foundations for the future of humanity to be built upon. a chance to achieve redemption. a chance to survive this cold period, and find a situation to actually live a life i see as productive.
i am not sure if that place will exist on this planet, or even in this century. i believe there will come a time where i can find a sense of accomplishment in the way i live my life. more than the way i live my life, because i can already find fulfillment in the dubious circumstances i am surrounded by. i will be able to draw gratification from my surroundings. to feel like there is something better than myself i am working as a part of. to feel like the effort i offer is working towards the betterment of my entire condition.
i curse the fact that my best chances to see this feeling realized, under current circumstances, rely on off-earth colonization and the removal of aging from the human genome. i am a battered soul. i have burrowed into the earth, and i am waiting for upheaval and change, or a chance to escape once and for all.
but, a lot can happen in 50 years. a lot can happen in 10 years. i continue to weigh my opportunities as they present themselves. and until then? i will stand tall. i will bear what i need to maintain survival, and support those who are a part of the solution. patience
