Sunday, April 12, 2009
gathering my thoughts. so, that happened indeed. anyways
lets dive right in. the fictionalization of my world. there is a layer, a filter laid down over the top of the world i live in. it is like there is a movie being shot around real life, and i am writing and directing it. a subconscious visual monologue. naturally, i take great comfort in works of fiction. tv shows, movies, books, my mind revels in the chance to just absorb for a while. it gets to play, without repercussion. it can dance and extrapolate, it can assign value and formulate prophetic expectations, because there is no consequence to failure, and answers are usually on the way. when there are no answers? well, then the product of my imagination is correct by default. hmmm... i believe we can follow this train of thought and say i draw more meaning and place a higher importance on a world of fiction. i think i can say that, and not even have any problems saying it, beyond admitting it out loud. i wrote that, and hoped for a hesitation, but it seems pretty solid, so i guess we go with it.
what does this say? about me, or real life. the reality i live in. reality seems to be something of a disappointment, now that we are forced to deal with it, but i think that is more a function of unrealistic expectations. i guess my illusions of a world of splendor and awe ended when i realized i would never be the next einstein in 7th grade or so, and i've been trudging along ever since. but we work with what we have, right? after that moment, we can basically boil life down to a long string of comparisons between the value of the effort exerted and the value of the product of said effort. the more disillusioned i get, the less effort i deem worthy. something odd happened at some point though. i started to miss effort. eventually, i just need something to work on, to work through, problems to solve. those things i deem worthy of effort, either with good reason or arbitrarily receive a higher quality effort as a welcome side effect of my cultural apathy. that is something i did not expect.
anyways, back to fiction. i work with what i've got, right? reality can't hold my attention, or at least doesn't require enough of my attention to provide the stimulus my brain needs to function. so i change things around a little. spruce things up, fill in the blanks, whatever inane term you want to call it. it just adds the extra sauce i need. yes, it does get annoying sometimes. it gets annoying knowing things will not satisfy me in as meaningful a way as they could. but i get bored enough as it is, and start messing with things. if i didn't have that distraction, i would become a true scion of chaos. my mind would turn on my, and start tearing things down, just for the sake of entertainment.
i don't know, it all seems so poorly conceptualized right now. instead of bittersweet, it feels downright dour, and that is not the way i meant it. this isn't exactly rocket science, it is the human condition. the box i am in can't hold me. under different circumstance, we all could have been emperors or philosophers or whatever the hell kind of over-hyped name managed to make a permanent mark on history. nah, most of us won't be able to find our path to success, let alone glory. but we don't surrender. we lay in wait, honing ourselves for that one moment in time that we will be needed. because over our ever extending lifespans, there will be a time for each of us to step into the spotlight and take control of the situation in front of us. will you be ready? or will you keep your head down and put your earbuds back as you increase your pace to carry you away from perceived effort and potential hardship.
we live with what we have to. there is just too much we can't change on an individual basis, and in the end we all have to learn to function as individuals. sometimes that turns into a slog through urban drudgery, smoothed over with pleasant or engaging fictions. that slog is better than abdicating who you are as an individual. it is just one of the hardships we suffer to keep control over our lives. to be able to say "i deserve the right to live as i choose, because i value my judgment over all others."
lets dive right in. the fictionalization of my world. there is a layer, a filter laid down over the top of the world i live in. it is like there is a movie being shot around real life, and i am writing and directing it. a subconscious visual monologue. naturally, i take great comfort in works of fiction. tv shows, movies, books, my mind revels in the chance to just absorb for a while. it gets to play, without repercussion. it can dance and extrapolate, it can assign value and formulate prophetic expectations, because there is no consequence to failure, and answers are usually on the way. when there are no answers? well, then the product of my imagination is correct by default. hmmm... i believe we can follow this train of thought and say i draw more meaning and place a higher importance on a world of fiction. i think i can say that, and not even have any problems saying it, beyond admitting it out loud. i wrote that, and hoped for a hesitation, but it seems pretty solid, so i guess we go with it.
what does this say? about me, or real life. the reality i live in. reality seems to be something of a disappointment, now that we are forced to deal with it, but i think that is more a function of unrealistic expectations. i guess my illusions of a world of splendor and awe ended when i realized i would never be the next einstein in 7th grade or so, and i've been trudging along ever since. but we work with what we have, right? after that moment, we can basically boil life down to a long string of comparisons between the value of the effort exerted and the value of the product of said effort. the more disillusioned i get, the less effort i deem worthy. something odd happened at some point though. i started to miss effort. eventually, i just need something to work on, to work through, problems to solve. those things i deem worthy of effort, either with good reason or arbitrarily receive a higher quality effort as a welcome side effect of my cultural apathy. that is something i did not expect.
anyways, back to fiction. i work with what i've got, right? reality can't hold my attention, or at least doesn't require enough of my attention to provide the stimulus my brain needs to function. so i change things around a little. spruce things up, fill in the blanks, whatever inane term you want to call it. it just adds the extra sauce i need. yes, it does get annoying sometimes. it gets annoying knowing things will not satisfy me in as meaningful a way as they could. but i get bored enough as it is, and start messing with things. if i didn't have that distraction, i would become a true scion of chaos. my mind would turn on my, and start tearing things down, just for the sake of entertainment.
i don't know, it all seems so poorly conceptualized right now. instead of bittersweet, it feels downright dour, and that is not the way i meant it. this isn't exactly rocket science, it is the human condition. the box i am in can't hold me. under different circumstance, we all could have been emperors or philosophers or whatever the hell kind of over-hyped name managed to make a permanent mark on history. nah, most of us won't be able to find our path to success, let alone glory. but we don't surrender. we lay in wait, honing ourselves for that one moment in time that we will be needed. because over our ever extending lifespans, there will be a time for each of us to step into the spotlight and take control of the situation in front of us. will you be ready? or will you keep your head down and put your earbuds back as you increase your pace to carry you away from perceived effort and potential hardship.
we live with what we have to. there is just too much we can't change on an individual basis, and in the end we all have to learn to function as individuals. sometimes that turns into a slog through urban drudgery, smoothed over with pleasant or engaging fictions. that slog is better than abdicating who you are as an individual. it is just one of the hardships we suffer to keep control over our lives. to be able to say "i deserve the right to live as i choose, because i value my judgment over all others."
