Wednesday, May 20, 2009
i am a ghost floating through the world. i am a glimpse of movement in your peripheral vision, something you briefly acknowledge before you go on your way. my influence is limited to a brief whisper of breath on the back of your neck, steering you towards good decisions, or at least the decisions you want to make for yourself. i only exist concretely in memories, forgotten until random association steers your mind back to me. and then i flit away again.
if only this were the case.
if only i could exist as an observer, above and behind, watching and exerting scant influence on the things around me. if only i didn't have influence.
this is a departure from the past. i have always pretended i am a ghost, that my actions and thoughts have no bearing on the world i live in. i have tried to duck responsibility and and accountability by decrying the world for not giving me access to such situations. i don't think that was really the case. if my thoughts don't have the influence they should, that is because i haven't asserted them. i do impact the world around me, probably more than most. when i talk, people listen. when i say things need to be done, people do them. when i have an idea, more often than not, other people can see the value in it, and use it for their own betterment. i am fully capable of asserting my will on the world around me. in fact, i think people would probably rather i asserted myself more. and, i have been lately. sometimes, i have to purposefully not make a decision when the outcome doesn't matter, so other people can access those critical thinking neurons and work through problems on their own. there will always be a part of me that wants other people to make choices for me, so i don't have to take that weight, but that part doesn't rule me any more. i feel a bit sheepish when i notice it happening, when i have already made a decision, and am actively working towards its realization along with other people, and still act as if there are choices to be made. 'what do you want to do now?' someone asks, and i simply say 'i don't know, but lets go this direction.' 'ok' and so we walk, and talk, and eventually it comes out 'i have been wanting to do this, which just so happens to be in this direction we are already walking.' 'so we do have something we are doing...' '...yes, i suppose we do.' it is a stupid little game, in case my decision disappoints. oh the disappointment! what will happen if someone doesn't fully validate my every waking movement! how would i ever survive without the full approval of everyone at every time!
as i gain more experience, i suppose i am losing that need for approval and replacing it with a need for expedited action. why waste the time when you already know what should be done, or at least what could be done without detriment? there is always a line to draw, i mean, i rail against control enough that i am sensitive to the fact that i can enforce my will almost without abandon if it really comes to that, though part of that stems from the fact that i don't actively seek control, so when i do impose myself, it is probably for good reason.
it all comes back to my long, drawn out and painful campaign to shed myself of unnecessary passive aggressive tendencies. i know i will never be able to fully rid myself of them, they were what i was raised on, but i can at least do whatever i can to nullify their negative impacts. that in itself points to a decisiveness that shouts 'progress!'
if only this were the case.
if only i could exist as an observer, above and behind, watching and exerting scant influence on the things around me. if only i didn't have influence.
this is a departure from the past. i have always pretended i am a ghost, that my actions and thoughts have no bearing on the world i live in. i have tried to duck responsibility and and accountability by decrying the world for not giving me access to such situations. i don't think that was really the case. if my thoughts don't have the influence they should, that is because i haven't asserted them. i do impact the world around me, probably more than most. when i talk, people listen. when i say things need to be done, people do them. when i have an idea, more often than not, other people can see the value in it, and use it for their own betterment. i am fully capable of asserting my will on the world around me. in fact, i think people would probably rather i asserted myself more. and, i have been lately. sometimes, i have to purposefully not make a decision when the outcome doesn't matter, so other people can access those critical thinking neurons and work through problems on their own. there will always be a part of me that wants other people to make choices for me, so i don't have to take that weight, but that part doesn't rule me any more. i feel a bit sheepish when i notice it happening, when i have already made a decision, and am actively working towards its realization along with other people, and still act as if there are choices to be made. 'what do you want to do now?' someone asks, and i simply say 'i don't know, but lets go this direction.' 'ok' and so we walk, and talk, and eventually it comes out 'i have been wanting to do this, which just so happens to be in this direction we are already walking.' 'so we do have something we are doing...' '...yes, i suppose we do.' it is a stupid little game, in case my decision disappoints. oh the disappointment! what will happen if someone doesn't fully validate my every waking movement! how would i ever survive without the full approval of everyone at every time!
as i gain more experience, i suppose i am losing that need for approval and replacing it with a need for expedited action. why waste the time when you already know what should be done, or at least what could be done without detriment? there is always a line to draw, i mean, i rail against control enough that i am sensitive to the fact that i can enforce my will almost without abandon if it really comes to that, though part of that stems from the fact that i don't actively seek control, so when i do impose myself, it is probably for good reason.
it all comes back to my long, drawn out and painful campaign to shed myself of unnecessary passive aggressive tendencies. i know i will never be able to fully rid myself of them, they were what i was raised on, but i can at least do whatever i can to nullify their negative impacts. that in itself points to a decisiveness that shouts 'progress!'
