Sunday, June 07, 2009
here, we have words playing in their natural habitat. watch, as they bound around their enclosure, oblivious to the entranced onlookers hovering above them.
when i get annoyed at myself, in particular my writing, this is where i should return. it happens, you return to your previous flirtations with genius, and there is, a steaming pile of muddled and mediocre pretension. and you say to yourself, 'who is this fool? how did i ever think this had any sort of value?' and it is a blow, it causes legitimate physical pain. however, our cute little personificative paragraph (-oh god, this deserves its own little side note. i originally put alliterative, but i realized that was wrong figure of speech. so now, because i can't figure out how to describe giving non-living objects animal traits, i put personification down. i somewhat enjoy the irony of the thought that the people are the ones in the zoo being observed. i imagine it is animals above, watching them below. anyways, so now that i did that, we are left with an alliteration. oh words! anyways, what would the word be? lets make something up. animification? zooification? faunification? my vote is for animification) above is where everything starts. before we study ourselves, or the world around us, or the existential, or the abstract, we study language and words. we come to see how we communicate, how we combine words to transmit ideas. it is all about wordplay.
so, lets play. i am in a playful mood anyways. i have been sharing too much information. more, i have too much information to share, and i don't think i should be sharing it all, but some of it just comes out because i am not very good at keeping secrets. which begs the point, should i really be keeping any of it secret? do i really follow social norms enough to not talk about the things that are important to me? it is one thing to keep information back from people who don't deserve it, but from my friends, or family? bah, i don't know. i am still so very wary of my interaction with women, especially women i am involved with. it usually doesn't go well for me when i don't have some sort of filter over my actions and words. i think this is because i haven't had a girl who was a good fit for me. that is weird for me to say, but there it is. i've found a girl enough like me, and i have tiptoed along my lines of action and words long enough that i can start stripping some of those filters off. i guess they served their purpose? was their purpose merely to expose the obvious fallacy of their existence? so yeah, they didn't have a purpose, but they made me feel better about myself. they helped me from sabotaging something by letting my tripped out emotions whip me into an overenthusiastic frenzy. that is what they are there for, to keep me from dumping the entirety of my eccentricity onto someone without warning. actually, you have no idea how nice it has been, feeling like the slightly more reserved one at the beginning of things. i am just cautious, i guess, guarded, because since i don't do this often, and wait until there is what i perceive to be a real connection, i usually just put myself out there and charge ahead and it creates a bigger drop for me to crash from. when i am like that, i tend to sweep people up into my swirling emotions, and up we go , so when eventually they shake off the haze they feel like they have made a mistake because they were experiencing my emotions and not their own. it isn't like i have been hiding things, or even suppressing my emotions, i have just tried to keep things on a scale that i can wrap my head around at the start here, to give us both the space to get a handle on things. and now, i feel like the filters have been dropped one by one, or not dropped, they just haven't really been needed or used, and so they are obsolete. and i am happy, and i think i make her happy. and things just seem to get better, and we find more and more that we have in common the more levels we expose to each other. so, i shouldn't say they didn't serve a purpose. their purpose was to keep me comfortable with myself until they weren't needed.
so yes, i am happy, and there is this girl who dropped into my life out of nowhere. that is the part i am still trying to wrap my head around. where did this girl come from? how does she even exist, and how did she end up in the tiny little bubble i live in? i leave a pretty tight little life here, there isn't much room for overlap with the rest of the world. and yet, here we are.
see, see, jesus, here we are. even on my blog, i haven't been posting about it. shit, you probably have noticed that, i have said nothing, like NOTHING on this subject until right now, to the point of not even posting at all. why? because my blog was caught behind those filters, perceived to be part of the potential problems i create for myself. i am trying to figure it out. did i handle this better than usual? i'll never know, because i don't think it would have mattered at all. the only real mistake i could have made is not asking her out, or rejecting her when she asked me out after i didn't. because i am pretty sure she would have. she has basically told me as much, which i very much enjoyed hearing.
you know, this is a pointless discussion anyways. it helped me. whether or not it was good to hold myself back doesn't matter at all, because it helped me, so it was positive, and there is no denying the current results. lets bring this back to me. separating myself from everything, holding certain information back helps me, whether it is just information i don't want to share, or if it is information i am still trying to process, or it is information i don't think you should have, it helps me keep things flowing smoothly. sit down brain! learn from this. all of this. LEARN DAMN YOU. i don't even know exactly what the lesson is right now. something about information flow, that seems to be what this whole conversation has been about. i think that more could be said, but i am kind of spent. i'll have to come back to this, this has a decidedly incomplete feeling
when i get annoyed at myself, in particular my writing, this is where i should return. it happens, you return to your previous flirtations with genius, and there is, a steaming pile of muddled and mediocre pretension. and you say to yourself, 'who is this fool? how did i ever think this had any sort of value?' and it is a blow, it causes legitimate physical pain. however, our cute little personificative paragraph (-oh god, this deserves its own little side note. i originally put alliterative, but i realized that was wrong figure of speech. so now, because i can't figure out how to describe giving non-living objects animal traits, i put personification down. i somewhat enjoy the irony of the thought that the people are the ones in the zoo being observed. i imagine it is animals above, watching them below. anyways, so now that i did that, we are left with an alliteration. oh words! anyways, what would the word be? lets make something up. animification? zooification? faunification? my vote is for animification) above is where everything starts. before we study ourselves, or the world around us, or the existential, or the abstract, we study language and words. we come to see how we communicate, how we combine words to transmit ideas. it is all about wordplay.
so, lets play. i am in a playful mood anyways. i have been sharing too much information. more, i have too much information to share, and i don't think i should be sharing it all, but some of it just comes out because i am not very good at keeping secrets. which begs the point, should i really be keeping any of it secret? do i really follow social norms enough to not talk about the things that are important to me? it is one thing to keep information back from people who don't deserve it, but from my friends, or family? bah, i don't know. i am still so very wary of my interaction with women, especially women i am involved with. it usually doesn't go well for me when i don't have some sort of filter over my actions and words. i think this is because i haven't had a girl who was a good fit for me. that is weird for me to say, but there it is. i've found a girl enough like me, and i have tiptoed along my lines of action and words long enough that i can start stripping some of those filters off. i guess they served their purpose? was their purpose merely to expose the obvious fallacy of their existence? so yeah, they didn't have a purpose, but they made me feel better about myself. they helped me from sabotaging something by letting my tripped out emotions whip me into an overenthusiastic frenzy. that is what they are there for, to keep me from dumping the entirety of my eccentricity onto someone without warning. actually, you have no idea how nice it has been, feeling like the slightly more reserved one at the beginning of things. i am just cautious, i guess, guarded, because since i don't do this often, and wait until there is what i perceive to be a real connection, i usually just put myself out there and charge ahead and it creates a bigger drop for me to crash from. when i am like that, i tend to sweep people up into my swirling emotions, and up we go , so when eventually they shake off the haze they feel like they have made a mistake because they were experiencing my emotions and not their own. it isn't like i have been hiding things, or even suppressing my emotions, i have just tried to keep things on a scale that i can wrap my head around at the start here, to give us both the space to get a handle on things. and now, i feel like the filters have been dropped one by one, or not dropped, they just haven't really been needed or used, and so they are obsolete. and i am happy, and i think i make her happy. and things just seem to get better, and we find more and more that we have in common the more levels we expose to each other. so, i shouldn't say they didn't serve a purpose. their purpose was to keep me comfortable with myself until they weren't needed.
so yes, i am happy, and there is this girl who dropped into my life out of nowhere. that is the part i am still trying to wrap my head around. where did this girl come from? how does she even exist, and how did she end up in the tiny little bubble i live in? i leave a pretty tight little life here, there isn't much room for overlap with the rest of the world. and yet, here we are.
see, see, jesus, here we are. even on my blog, i haven't been posting about it. shit, you probably have noticed that, i have said nothing, like NOTHING on this subject until right now, to the point of not even posting at all. why? because my blog was caught behind those filters, perceived to be part of the potential problems i create for myself. i am trying to figure it out. did i handle this better than usual? i'll never know, because i don't think it would have mattered at all. the only real mistake i could have made is not asking her out, or rejecting her when she asked me out after i didn't. because i am pretty sure she would have. she has basically told me as much, which i very much enjoyed hearing.
you know, this is a pointless discussion anyways. it helped me. whether or not it was good to hold myself back doesn't matter at all, because it helped me, so it was positive, and there is no denying the current results. lets bring this back to me. separating myself from everything, holding certain information back helps me, whether it is just information i don't want to share, or if it is information i am still trying to process, or it is information i don't think you should have, it helps me keep things flowing smoothly. sit down brain! learn from this. all of this. LEARN DAMN YOU. i don't even know exactly what the lesson is right now. something about information flow, that seems to be what this whole conversation has been about. i think that more could be said, but i am kind of spent. i'll have to come back to this, this has a decidedly incomplete feeling
