Thursday, June 18, 2009
oh god, visitors! sweep the dust bunnies under the bed. everyone act witty and thought provoking!
so, i bet you would like me to start dissecting myself in strange ways. i know that is why i am here. i am sure whatever i rev myself up about will tie back into ryan's little caloric burning cycle information flow correlation. i've had that on my mind, so really anything i have been dwelling on can be directly attributed to that. but yes, let us delve into me and then use that specific microscope lens to see what we can learn about.
something i seem to keep touching on is the communication disconnect between my brain and my mouth. oddly enough, the easiest evidence of this is right here. for me, words just flow onto the page. i can spin them off my fingertips, and watch them coalesce in multilayered metaphor. it taps into a deeper level of subconsciousness than my normal verbal interactions. sometimes this bothers me, it makes me feel somewhat fractured, like there is one personality i can see glimpses of, some overriding being controlling everything that my outward body can't quite reach, but i no longer think it is really a full offshoot of myself. we are both the same people, there is just a different level of completeness to its outward realization? i am not sure if i phrased that right...
alright, so, i think it is more a function of introversion. speaking to mine at least, there is a place inside that as an introvert i go, constantly. i consider it the real, fully functional me. the outside world doesn't get to interact with it fully. the outside world gets to see what i expose of it. in the past i have referred to it as my soul, or the real me, or the consciousness inside me i am constantly trying to connect to. those are all correct, but they aren't quite on target. i think what i am referring to is the full breadth of my mind. the total sum of my knowledge, intelligence, and experiences. when i think about it this way, it makes sense that i can't simply tap into it at will, because it is such a huge and powerful force. to use ryan's comparison, if i tried to use all of that potential at once, it would start a fire. so what we end up with is a slower stream of information transfer. instead of instantly downloading all of the pertinent knowledge, we get something more akin to the data flow between two computers, it is more of a consistent communication than a savage wresting away of knowledge.
so if this is happening internally between my functioning consciousness and the full knowledge base that operates above everything, it seems only natural that the same thing would happen when my functioning consciousness has to externalize itself. sometimes that does happen. now that i am riding these associations, things are dropping into place. because you can open those floodgates. you can overload people with information when you get overly excited, or overly focused on one thing, and when you do it can end up as an intense jet of concentrated thought that descends into gibberish for everyone but yourself.
so, yes, there is something else in here. when you look into my eyes and see more beneath the surface, or when you read between the lines of what i am saying and pick up deeper meaning, that is not just imaginary. there is another person back there. and yes, it is frustrating to not be able to connect directly to that person. because really, that is the person you want to know, the person of real interest. that is the person we all want to know. as frustrating as it is to you, floating on the periphery of my mind, experiencing fleeting contact, it is borderline maddening to me, sitting in here constantly trying to break down the barriers and retake what is rightfully mine. because that is my knowledge; those are my thoughts. it kills me to know that they are there, and that i don't have the complete access to them that i want. so, i come here, and i learn a little more. someday, i will have co opted the rest of who i am, and the full extent of myself will be realized. until then, we get this nice little shell of a person. because it is a fine person, a fully satisfying person, but it is not what it could be. there is more. i would say more to know and be, but i already know and am these things. more to reclaim as my own, i guess?
i don't know, i am trailing off into complete esoteria right now. i should quit while i am ahead.
so, i bet you would like me to start dissecting myself in strange ways. i know that is why i am here. i am sure whatever i rev myself up about will tie back into ryan's little caloric burning cycle information flow correlation. i've had that on my mind, so really anything i have been dwelling on can be directly attributed to that. but yes, let us delve into me and then use that specific microscope lens to see what we can learn about.
something i seem to keep touching on is the communication disconnect between my brain and my mouth. oddly enough, the easiest evidence of this is right here. for me, words just flow onto the page. i can spin them off my fingertips, and watch them coalesce in multilayered metaphor. it taps into a deeper level of subconsciousness than my normal verbal interactions. sometimes this bothers me, it makes me feel somewhat fractured, like there is one personality i can see glimpses of, some overriding being controlling everything that my outward body can't quite reach, but i no longer think it is really a full offshoot of myself. we are both the same people, there is just a different level of completeness to its outward realization? i am not sure if i phrased that right...
alright, so, i think it is more a function of introversion. speaking to mine at least, there is a place inside that as an introvert i go, constantly. i consider it the real, fully functional me. the outside world doesn't get to interact with it fully. the outside world gets to see what i expose of it. in the past i have referred to it as my soul, or the real me, or the consciousness inside me i am constantly trying to connect to. those are all correct, but they aren't quite on target. i think what i am referring to is the full breadth of my mind. the total sum of my knowledge, intelligence, and experiences. when i think about it this way, it makes sense that i can't simply tap into it at will, because it is such a huge and powerful force. to use ryan's comparison, if i tried to use all of that potential at once, it would start a fire. so what we end up with is a slower stream of information transfer. instead of instantly downloading all of the pertinent knowledge, we get something more akin to the data flow between two computers, it is more of a consistent communication than a savage wresting away of knowledge.
so if this is happening internally between my functioning consciousness and the full knowledge base that operates above everything, it seems only natural that the same thing would happen when my functioning consciousness has to externalize itself. sometimes that does happen. now that i am riding these associations, things are dropping into place. because you can open those floodgates. you can overload people with information when you get overly excited, or overly focused on one thing, and when you do it can end up as an intense jet of concentrated thought that descends into gibberish for everyone but yourself.
so, yes, there is something else in here. when you look into my eyes and see more beneath the surface, or when you read between the lines of what i am saying and pick up deeper meaning, that is not just imaginary. there is another person back there. and yes, it is frustrating to not be able to connect directly to that person. because really, that is the person you want to know, the person of real interest. that is the person we all want to know. as frustrating as it is to you, floating on the periphery of my mind, experiencing fleeting contact, it is borderline maddening to me, sitting in here constantly trying to break down the barriers and retake what is rightfully mine. because that is my knowledge; those are my thoughts. it kills me to know that they are there, and that i don't have the complete access to them that i want. so, i come here, and i learn a little more. someday, i will have co opted the rest of who i am, and the full extent of myself will be realized. until then, we get this nice little shell of a person. because it is a fine person, a fully satisfying person, but it is not what it could be. there is more. i would say more to know and be, but i already know and am these things. more to reclaim as my own, i guess?
i don't know, i am trailing off into complete esoteria right now. i should quit while i am ahead.
