Sunday, August 09, 2009
somewhat derelict in my duties, i suppose. there has been stress. there has been exhaustion. there has been unnatural heat. there have been extended periods of pure happiness, and that is the dominant thread of my life these days. i am leading a charmed life in the moment, and i see that trajectory extending into the future
i've wanted to talk about love, lust, and and attraction, but how could i do them justice? no time like the present to find out i suppose. i have a rough time reconciling the two types of attraction that seem to crop up, the whole opposites attract vs. like attracts like. mainly, i have never understood how opposites could attract in a meaningful, constructive way. i can understand the curiosity one would have with a polar opposite, but is simple curiosity enough to build a productive relationship? it seems irrational to me, built out of a need for conflict. then again, some people seek out and thrive on conflict. they have a burning need for chaos and upheaval. so for them, i guess having a constant source of turmoil is exactly what they are looking for. but that is not me. i strive to avoid conflict when possible. i am not really adverse to dealing with it when it crops up, i would just rather not have to. i am more comfortable when things are more... comfortable. i would rather have things make sense and flow naturally than be punctuated by constant struggle.
i wanted someone like me, and therein lied the problem. i am an odd person. i would even say i am a rare person, unique if you will, so i thought. the odds of meeting someone like myself were near impossible. there were people out there who shared some similarities and mutual interest, and i believe my magnetic nature amplified those feelings into the illusion of something more. but now i have experienced real attraction, with someone who shares the same proclivity for heightened feeling. it was instant, it was undeniable, and i couldn't have broken us apart if i had tried. every day i marvel at what happened. the impossible, or at least the highly unlikely occurred, and i feel charmed by fate because of it.
lust is a funnier thing. lust in this instance is an almost hilarious thing to me. not to make light of it, but the depths of my lust have reached new levels. i have always considered myself a lustful person, driven by a overdeveloped sexual nature. thus, i have had to build a discipline and self control to be able to function in polite society. and so it was, all discipline without even being aware of it. i did not want uncontrollable lust to get in the way of love. but there was no hiding behind that wall. the barrier came down quickly, and in a fairly dramatic fashion, and there has been no looking back. it lends itself to a theory i have always had, that lustful thoughts are mostly fleeting, but true lust is built out of love, and in conjunction that great sex is fueled by love more than any sort of skill or simple physical desire. that is why sex had been able to survive as a hugely important thing to me, but largely unexplored. i wasn't in a position to explore it in a way that did it justice. what i had not anticipated, is that this lust would also accentuate and heighten love itself. i always figured love on its own was some sort of pristine, untouchable thing rising above everything. i have found that love likes it a little dirty. love will seek out and wrap itself in any connection it can find. now i find myself in a cycle of lust fueling love fueling lust fueling love, and it is glorious.
but love is not all lust. this was all built without lust, which is why the sexual aspect has just been a happy side effect. this was built out of a sort of mental lust. she is my equal. no, she is a better version of me. she inspires me to think, and that is the way to win my eternal affection. i could spend hours here exploring the multifaceted nature of love itself, but i would rather do that with her. our love is just that, ours, and you won't be able to pull anything fully interchangeable out of that. it manifests itself in different ways for everyone.
still, as private as it is, i felt compelled to share. you know you wanted to know, so i gave you your understated, honest glimpse into our world. because, really, i can't do it justice.
i've wanted to talk about love, lust, and and attraction, but how could i do them justice? no time like the present to find out i suppose. i have a rough time reconciling the two types of attraction that seem to crop up, the whole opposites attract vs. like attracts like. mainly, i have never understood how opposites could attract in a meaningful, constructive way. i can understand the curiosity one would have with a polar opposite, but is simple curiosity enough to build a productive relationship? it seems irrational to me, built out of a need for conflict. then again, some people seek out and thrive on conflict. they have a burning need for chaos and upheaval. so for them, i guess having a constant source of turmoil is exactly what they are looking for. but that is not me. i strive to avoid conflict when possible. i am not really adverse to dealing with it when it crops up, i would just rather not have to. i am more comfortable when things are more... comfortable. i would rather have things make sense and flow naturally than be punctuated by constant struggle.
i wanted someone like me, and therein lied the problem. i am an odd person. i would even say i am a rare person, unique if you will, so i thought. the odds of meeting someone like myself were near impossible. there were people out there who shared some similarities and mutual interest, and i believe my magnetic nature amplified those feelings into the illusion of something more. but now i have experienced real attraction, with someone who shares the same proclivity for heightened feeling. it was instant, it was undeniable, and i couldn't have broken us apart if i had tried. every day i marvel at what happened. the impossible, or at least the highly unlikely occurred, and i feel charmed by fate because of it.
lust is a funnier thing. lust in this instance is an almost hilarious thing to me. not to make light of it, but the depths of my lust have reached new levels. i have always considered myself a lustful person, driven by a overdeveloped sexual nature. thus, i have had to build a discipline and self control to be able to function in polite society. and so it was, all discipline without even being aware of it. i did not want uncontrollable lust to get in the way of love. but there was no hiding behind that wall. the barrier came down quickly, and in a fairly dramatic fashion, and there has been no looking back. it lends itself to a theory i have always had, that lustful thoughts are mostly fleeting, but true lust is built out of love, and in conjunction that great sex is fueled by love more than any sort of skill or simple physical desire. that is why sex had been able to survive as a hugely important thing to me, but largely unexplored. i wasn't in a position to explore it in a way that did it justice. what i had not anticipated, is that this lust would also accentuate and heighten love itself. i always figured love on its own was some sort of pristine, untouchable thing rising above everything. i have found that love likes it a little dirty. love will seek out and wrap itself in any connection it can find. now i find myself in a cycle of lust fueling love fueling lust fueling love, and it is glorious.
but love is not all lust. this was all built without lust, which is why the sexual aspect has just been a happy side effect. this was built out of a sort of mental lust. she is my equal. no, she is a better version of me. she inspires me to think, and that is the way to win my eternal affection. i could spend hours here exploring the multifaceted nature of love itself, but i would rather do that with her. our love is just that, ours, and you won't be able to pull anything fully interchangeable out of that. it manifests itself in different ways for everyone.
still, as private as it is, i felt compelled to share. you know you wanted to know, so i gave you your understated, honest glimpse into our world. because, really, i can't do it justice.
