Thursday, September 03, 2009
there has been no excess thought. there hasn't really been a need to temper the roiling clouds of intellect, lest they start wearing holes in my psyche. i have had other distractions i suppose.
life rolls right along. i look forward to the future not because i am curious, but because i am expectant. so, i am just a little impatient not because i have a burning need to know. i already know what i want, and i already have it. now, i just have to wait as the details coalesce, and that is fine too.
it is kind of funny, because i think in the last week or so i have told marlena this three or four times. people keep asking me, how are you, how are you doing? and not just out of common courtesy, but seemingly actually asking because they want to know. each time, i am a little taken aback, a little dumbfounded. i think to myself, don't you know? can't you see? and they can, but i put a good front, be it my base of neutral calm or my general good nature, so i guess looking at it now it makes sense that they have to make sure. i play act well enough that people need to hear the details from me, as it were. but i am great, with no qualifiers or exemptions. i am happy, i am confident, and i am active, for me at least. as irony would have it, i am the one skipping out on climbing and social events because i have things to do, and it feels great. although monday at ryan's i just slept through, but that probably came as no shock to anyone.
it is still the same old me, but the circumstances surrounding my life are changing. positive changes are the name of the game. i am sitting here trying to decide whether it is my doing, whether i have been driving this change, but i think that is the wrong question to ask. i am not really driving anything. i am just moving forward towards the outcomes that serve me the best, just like i always have. my opportunities are just on a whole different level, and i am having no problems recognizing them early enough to adjust my actions. that is why things are so effortless, and why i am having no problems accepting all the positives without any qualms whatsoever. my life is moving along with a decided strut. there is such a laid back ease surrounding everything that is happening. it is just going how it is supposed to, so there is really nothing to analyze. it just is. why would i question it? sure, i get moments of confusion, like a sort of reverse deja vu. we are dealing with things i had long since deemed impossible. i look at it, and am overcome with a sense of bafflement that the moment i am in is real. but that passes, and i am even more intensely happy, so even that propels me further forward.
like i keep saying, i live a charmed life. i always have. the thing is, this has always been happening. maybe the way i feel now isn't really that different from the way i have always felt, and the reasons behind the way i am have just finally been revealed. maybe our paths were just split into parallel existences that have finally been nudged back together, and thus, everything is illuminated...
life rolls right along. i look forward to the future not because i am curious, but because i am expectant. so, i am just a little impatient not because i have a burning need to know. i already know what i want, and i already have it. now, i just have to wait as the details coalesce, and that is fine too.
it is kind of funny, because i think in the last week or so i have told marlena this three or four times. people keep asking me, how are you, how are you doing? and not just out of common courtesy, but seemingly actually asking because they want to know. each time, i am a little taken aback, a little dumbfounded. i think to myself, don't you know? can't you see? and they can, but i put a good front, be it my base of neutral calm or my general good nature, so i guess looking at it now it makes sense that they have to make sure. i play act well enough that people need to hear the details from me, as it were. but i am great, with no qualifiers or exemptions. i am happy, i am confident, and i am active, for me at least. as irony would have it, i am the one skipping out on climbing and social events because i have things to do, and it feels great. although monday at ryan's i just slept through, but that probably came as no shock to anyone.
it is still the same old me, but the circumstances surrounding my life are changing. positive changes are the name of the game. i am sitting here trying to decide whether it is my doing, whether i have been driving this change, but i think that is the wrong question to ask. i am not really driving anything. i am just moving forward towards the outcomes that serve me the best, just like i always have. my opportunities are just on a whole different level, and i am having no problems recognizing them early enough to adjust my actions. that is why things are so effortless, and why i am having no problems accepting all the positives without any qualms whatsoever. my life is moving along with a decided strut. there is such a laid back ease surrounding everything that is happening. it is just going how it is supposed to, so there is really nothing to analyze. it just is. why would i question it? sure, i get moments of confusion, like a sort of reverse deja vu. we are dealing with things i had long since deemed impossible. i look at it, and am overcome with a sense of bafflement that the moment i am in is real. but that passes, and i am even more intensely happy, so even that propels me further forward.
like i keep saying, i live a charmed life. i always have. the thing is, this has always been happening. maybe the way i feel now isn't really that different from the way i have always felt, and the reasons behind the way i am have just finally been revealed. maybe our paths were just split into parallel existences that have finally been nudged back together, and thus, everything is illuminated...
