Thursday, January 30, 2003
hee heee, i just read ryans blog. ryan is one of the people in life i trust almost absolutely and unconditionally. he and i are pretty much always on the same page. you can throw us together, and nothing bad really happens. even after months and months of not seeing each other, its like no time has passed in between. i respect what he has to say on just about every subject. there are certain things i'm sure we just don't agree on, but they are usually fairly unimportant, and we both respect it.
anyways, yeah, one day one of us is going to win the lottery or something, and we are going to buy a castle and fill it with everything we could ever possibly want, bring all our friends and our girlfriends and such, and just chill for the rest of the rest of our days running around with swords chasing squirrel around our huge, meticulously groomed garden. everyone is invited, we'll have more rooms than people i know.
this is what i aspire towards. my goals in life have surprisingly little to do with money and job and career and family and stuff like that. my goal in life is to be happy, lazy, and around people i enjoy being around. the rest of the world can do whatever the hell they want. the problem is, if you don't have money, you can't have happyness, because without money you will die. money doesn't = happyness. money = the difference between life and death.
anyways, yeah, one day one of us is going to win the lottery or something, and we are going to buy a castle and fill it with everything we could ever possibly want, bring all our friends and our girlfriends and such, and just chill for the rest of the rest of our days running around with swords chasing squirrel around our huge, meticulously groomed garden. everyone is invited, we'll have more rooms than people i know.
this is what i aspire towards. my goals in life have surprisingly little to do with money and job and career and family and stuff like that. my goal in life is to be happy, lazy, and around people i enjoy being around. the rest of the world can do whatever the hell they want. the problem is, if you don't have money, you can't have happyness, because without money you will die. money doesn't = happyness. money = the difference between life and death.
do you smell that, do you? what is that smell!!! oh, its my dirty laundry......
so yeah, why did i quit my job...... i quit my job because i couldn't take it anymore. my job was changing, my responsibilities were changing, the whole company was changing. the old company was bad enough, but at least i was invisible. i had a new boss that i didn't get along with at all who has a very abrupt way of speaking and who has this inability to compromise that ground all forward progress to a halt. she came into a system that was already working to the best of its potential, and assumed it was something it wasn't. thus, the expectations of me were raised, and my job became hell. to begin with, my job was in a field that i didn't really care about, was doing things i didn't really agree with, and was doing things that were pointless and ass-backwards. there is a 0% chance that any of the projects i worked on's goals will every be met due to the rediculous nature of the goals, and the rediculous way we were forced to try and meet them. i was forced to do things i didn't agree with, accept responsibilty for things i had no control over, and try to do things i didn't know how to do without any training or room for error. i wasn't qualified, interested, or willing to do the shit they wanted me to do. the reason i stayed as long as i did is because all of my other coworkers left before me, and i felt guilty about leaving them because the foundation had stated that there would be no more hiring in the forseeable future. well, they are hiring again, so i took the chance to leave. i am unwilling to put forth the effort that was necessary, because i really don't care at all about the cause. its hard to bust your ass for something you really don't agree with, no matter what the pay is.
anyways, i don't really want to go into this now. i just don't care anymore. i hated that job. after 2 weeks at that job i wanted to quit. my job was stupid, but pretended to be real. the only reason i managed to stay as long as i did is because i could get away with doing very little work and still get paid for it. with the new manager, i could no longer get away with not working, so i quit so i can go find a new slack job. pizza delivery is sounding better every day.
i got in over my head. i mean, i wasn't over my head. i knew how to do everything. i did what was necessary of me, and i did it very well. i was just put in a position i didn't want. i am 21, i don't want a bunch of responsibilty and accountability out of a job. i want something easy and unassuming, with very few expectations. at my old job, the expectations were very high. i found little tricks and such that made it very very easy for me to live up to these expectations with the absolute minimum amount of effort. so, even though i was getting everything that was expected of me done, i was still in trouble because i did it too fast. there was nothing more for me to do, really. i could have gotten more shit to do, but that would have made the busy times overwhelming. i don't understand how my coworkers were always so busy. i don't think they actually were as busy as i think they were. i'm not sure what is going on there, because if i had actually worked as much as it seems like they worked...... granted, they all had wierd things to do like calling people and such, which i still don't understand. how were they all on their damn phones so much. i never used my phone. i don't know why they were on their phones.
so yeah, i went as long as i could flying under the radar to avoid unnecessary bullshit. my new boss made sure i had to deal with the bullshit. so i left. i was like fuck this, if you have a problem with the way i'm doing things, go find someone else who can do it better. just try. try to find someone who did all the shit i did as well as i did for as little money as i did. go ahead, try to find someone. i'm not going to put up with all the crap anymore. no one need that much frustration, especially at a job as absolutely retarded as this one. the cause the cause the cause, blah blah blah, the cause is fucking bullshit. there is no way we can do the things you tell us too. there is absolutely no chance for success. none, absolutely none. yet, we have all these goals that we are supposed to meet. we have deadlines for things that are impossible. we know these things are impossible. we try to say these things are impossible. what happens when we voice our concerns? i have to cut my fucking yearly labor allocation in fucking half and still have to meet the fucking goals that were impossible before. what the fuck am i supposed to do!!!!! there is no way it is going to work. everyone knows it. yet every month i have to update you on my project, how things are going. i have to outline all of my strategies in this stupid document that no one even fucking reads. and when i finish it earlier than everyone else, obviously i'm doing something wrong. it doesn't even matter if i'm right, i'm wrong because i'm not management. it doesn't matter that management has no fucking clue what is actually going on in the field. it doesn't matter that they are so far detached from reality that they think these things are possible. they are management. they make the goals, it is my job to achieve them.
i came in as grunt labor. i think it was the first time they had hired some wanker just to move dirt and do all the other shit other people were unwilling to do. i had no real responsibilities besides "show up here at this time." i was basically invisible to the management, and an absolute godsend to the rest of the staff. i see myself as a very curious, very attentive person. but i am also very comfortable in the shadows. i caught on very quickly. i saw what the place was really about, the way things were run, and how absolutely rediculous things were. i treated the job as such. after a while, they started putting me in charge of things, which i always thought was just funny, because at that point whenever i could get away with something, i would. i always say "life is all about appearances" and it is because of this job that i say it. i did as little as possible while still floating under the radar. eventually i realized i could do absolutely nothing, and get away with it. the great thing was, no one even noticed that i did absolutely nothing. so i did for a while. then everyone quit, and the responsibility of 17 people was dropped on the 4 of us who remained. so now there was no real flying under the radar, i had responsibilities and such. hell, i was actually in charge of shit, like really in charge. all the hours and stuff that i had always taken for granted were now created by me. i also see myself as a very intelligent person, so i picked up the easiest way to do things very quickly. the fact that i didn't give a rats ass really helped, because i put as little thought as possible into my numbers. i think that this is what made me so good at what i did. i had a very utilitarian approach to my actual responsibilities. i knew what needed to be done, and i knew how to do it. i didn't really think about it a lot. when things needed to be changed, i changed them. when plant lists needed to be made, i just threw something together that would work, because perfection really was wasted on this job. thats another problem with this job. you can put so much thought into things, and have things all planned out perfectly, but you will never get what you want. things always change. you can't control these things. so i always focused on covering all my bases, instead of covering what would be best for the project, because i knew what was best for the project had a snowball's chance in hell of happening.
i didn't care about my job, or the cause, so i really didn't think twice about doing this. it didn't matter to me at all what plants went where, so i just put the same plants everyone else was putting in the same places. people put so much thought into this shit. i just slapped it all together, and said this will work best, and it did. i was very good at finding easy, good solutions to everything. i didn't go for anything flashy like everyone else seemed to do. everyone was always so proud of putting new plants and such in certain areas. i didn't care, i put things in that would work, and that would make things the easiest for everyone who has to work with them. that was what i did. how can i do this that will be the easiest for me and everyone else. there wasn't much thought into is this the best way for this or that, but what will make the rest of the job easier on everyone. so i came up with great, workable solutions very quickly. then i had nothing else to do, so i did as little as possible, because there wasn't anything else to do. i made sure i had something going all the time, so i always had something to do. but the rest of the shit i had was shit that no one else wanted to do, or cared about. it was all just retarded crap that didn't matter at all to anyone. so when i was doing it, and it didn't get done, no one noticed or cared, least of all me. i could leave early if i wanted too, show up late, as long as i got the things that were absolutely necessary done. because i was doing my job, and in everyone elses eyes doing it very well, no one really cared. until this new boss showed up. she wanted to have full control of everything. she thought everything we did was stupid, and then attacked us as if we had any choice in the way we did things. let me add something here, we were all working within the very twisted guidelines that the foundation had. there were certain things we just didn't have control over, and that we had to deal with. these were the things that she would yell at US about. i just wanted to sit her down and started yelling at her about how she was chastizing us about things that we have been arguing about with our old boss forever, but were overruled on. and of course, she always knew the absolute best way things should be done. if you veered off that path at all, AT ALL, she was on your ass. the worst thing was, she expected you to know how she wanted shit done. the few weeks before i quit were really painful. anything i did, i would get an email about how i did it wrong, and that i should stop being wrong because being wrong was stupid, and stupid workers are the scum of the earth. but she never told me what i was doing wrong. it was all such vague bullshit, that i never knew what she wanted. so i'd try to fix it, and she'd get really mad at me. i'd ask her what i was doing wrong, and what she wanted done, and she wouldn't tell me. she literally wouldn't tell me. i would straight up say "tell me what i did wrong so i can correcty my mistakes and not make them in the future" and i would get angry, belittling emails back about how if i didn't know how to do my job, maybe i should talk to someone about it. FUCK YOU!!! I AM TALKING TO YOU ABOUT IT NOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! so, nothing ever got done, because the way we were doing things was not the way she wanted things done. but she wouldn't tell us how she wanted things done. it got really old, because everytime i did something, even if it was exactly the way i had been doing things all along which followed starflower protocals to the best of my knowledge, it was wrong. it was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life, because i knew i was at least partially in the right, and that she was yelling about shit she doesn't even know about it. but i can't tell her she is a fucking moron because she is my boss. i have to go along with what she says, because she is the boss.
the shit that really got to me was the little things she disagreed with us all on. things that didn't fucking matter at all, and that i knew i was right about. like, for example.... i had to research digital cameras for the project we were doing. she told us to research digital cameras and report back with which one we should get. so i did. and i did a great job. like, this was something i could actually pay attention too and was kind of interested in. i mean, i really couldn't give a rats ass which digital camera we get, but i care a lot more about digital cameras than i do about ecology and restoration. this is not going to matter at all, to anyone. but still, i went to all sorts of webpages, read every review i could, and eventually decided on one. i was like, this is the one we should get. it does everything we want it too, has the highest ratings on every pages i go to, and has the best customer feed back and the fewest complaints. i turned in my research to my partner, and he was like hell yeah, this is the one. so, we turn it in to her, and we have a meeting. she gets this incredulous look on her face, and she's like why did you pick this one? kind of taken aback, i list all my reasons, and make my case. she didn't even fucking listen what i had to say, nothing i said even registered in her eyes. she didn't even respond to what i had to say. she just said "well i have this camera. why would you get that one when you could get this one. i have it, and i love it." it was so fucking stupid. i almost yelled out, why the fuck did you have me do all this research, just so you could make me look like an idiot and tell me that i'm wrong, without even listening to what i had to say. i don't care about the damn camera. you told me to research so i did. i gave you what i thought, and you just threw it all away and had me do something else. why did you make me waste my fucking time just so you could make me feel like an idiot at the end. it was all such a stupid thing, but the way it all happened reallly got under my skin. this woman made me feel like nothing.
i didn't want this job. i was doing all these things because everyone else quit, and i was the only one left. i saved the foundations ass, and did a damn good job. i exceeded everyone's expectations, and did it easily. i am doing a bunch of shit i never wanted to do because they drove the other people away and then weren't willing to hire anyone else to do it. i did it all on time, how i was told, and with a smile on my face. i dare you to try and find someone who will do my job better than me and who will put up with all the bullshit i put up with. i would have stayed forever if they had just left me alone, and let me do my job. but no, we can't have that. who cares if he's doing everything we ask him, he doesn't check in every day. he didn't tell us that he was going out to the jobsite to make sure everything was ready for the next week. we didn't know where he was for that four hours!!!!!!!!!! end of the world, obviously. lets crack down on him. lets watch him like a hawk and jump on everything we perceive he is doing wrong. lets give him as little information as possible about why we are picking on him, and expect him to put up with it, and then do more work. i do feel like i was singled out. no, i didn't always tell them where i was going. i didn't see how it could possibly be necessary. the type of control they wanted over the where and the when would have made it impossible for me to do my job as well as i did. i didn't care enough to want to put for the extra effort they wanted me too.
fuck them anyways. i'm not going to deal with the frustration anymore. i'd much rather be a nameless slave who goes to work with his head down and picks up a paycheck every 2 weeks. i'll show up on time, do my job, and leave. i don't have any grand plans about making a difference, or having a "good" career. any job will just be another shat job to me. i don't need all the extra frustration that that job provided. i just want to blend in to the background, do my job, and collect my money so i can eat. i don't care about success, a job is just a job. you are paying me for a service. i do that service, and get my money. i'll stand around and do some repetetive task as long as you leave me alone and pay me.
anyways yeah, sorry, i needed to vent. this is a jumbled mass of feelings i've been holding in because i think my bosses read my blog. whatever, i'm over it. bring on the lazy. oh, the sweet lazy
so yeah, why did i quit my job...... i quit my job because i couldn't take it anymore. my job was changing, my responsibilities were changing, the whole company was changing. the old company was bad enough, but at least i was invisible. i had a new boss that i didn't get along with at all who has a very abrupt way of speaking and who has this inability to compromise that ground all forward progress to a halt. she came into a system that was already working to the best of its potential, and assumed it was something it wasn't. thus, the expectations of me were raised, and my job became hell. to begin with, my job was in a field that i didn't really care about, was doing things i didn't really agree with, and was doing things that were pointless and ass-backwards. there is a 0% chance that any of the projects i worked on's goals will every be met due to the rediculous nature of the goals, and the rediculous way we were forced to try and meet them. i was forced to do things i didn't agree with, accept responsibilty for things i had no control over, and try to do things i didn't know how to do without any training or room for error. i wasn't qualified, interested, or willing to do the shit they wanted me to do. the reason i stayed as long as i did is because all of my other coworkers left before me, and i felt guilty about leaving them because the foundation had stated that there would be no more hiring in the forseeable future. well, they are hiring again, so i took the chance to leave. i am unwilling to put forth the effort that was necessary, because i really don't care at all about the cause. its hard to bust your ass for something you really don't agree with, no matter what the pay is.
anyways, i don't really want to go into this now. i just don't care anymore. i hated that job. after 2 weeks at that job i wanted to quit. my job was stupid, but pretended to be real. the only reason i managed to stay as long as i did is because i could get away with doing very little work and still get paid for it. with the new manager, i could no longer get away with not working, so i quit so i can go find a new slack job. pizza delivery is sounding better every day.
i got in over my head. i mean, i wasn't over my head. i knew how to do everything. i did what was necessary of me, and i did it very well. i was just put in a position i didn't want. i am 21, i don't want a bunch of responsibilty and accountability out of a job. i want something easy and unassuming, with very few expectations. at my old job, the expectations were very high. i found little tricks and such that made it very very easy for me to live up to these expectations with the absolute minimum amount of effort. so, even though i was getting everything that was expected of me done, i was still in trouble because i did it too fast. there was nothing more for me to do, really. i could have gotten more shit to do, but that would have made the busy times overwhelming. i don't understand how my coworkers were always so busy. i don't think they actually were as busy as i think they were. i'm not sure what is going on there, because if i had actually worked as much as it seems like they worked...... granted, they all had wierd things to do like calling people and such, which i still don't understand. how were they all on their damn phones so much. i never used my phone. i don't know why they were on their phones.
so yeah, i went as long as i could flying under the radar to avoid unnecessary bullshit. my new boss made sure i had to deal with the bullshit. so i left. i was like fuck this, if you have a problem with the way i'm doing things, go find someone else who can do it better. just try. try to find someone who did all the shit i did as well as i did for as little money as i did. go ahead, try to find someone. i'm not going to put up with all the crap anymore. no one need that much frustration, especially at a job as absolutely retarded as this one. the cause the cause the cause, blah blah blah, the cause is fucking bullshit. there is no way we can do the things you tell us too. there is absolutely no chance for success. none, absolutely none. yet, we have all these goals that we are supposed to meet. we have deadlines for things that are impossible. we know these things are impossible. we try to say these things are impossible. what happens when we voice our concerns? i have to cut my fucking yearly labor allocation in fucking half and still have to meet the fucking goals that were impossible before. what the fuck am i supposed to do!!!!! there is no way it is going to work. everyone knows it. yet every month i have to update you on my project, how things are going. i have to outline all of my strategies in this stupid document that no one even fucking reads. and when i finish it earlier than everyone else, obviously i'm doing something wrong. it doesn't even matter if i'm right, i'm wrong because i'm not management. it doesn't matter that management has no fucking clue what is actually going on in the field. it doesn't matter that they are so far detached from reality that they think these things are possible. they are management. they make the goals, it is my job to achieve them.
i came in as grunt labor. i think it was the first time they had hired some wanker just to move dirt and do all the other shit other people were unwilling to do. i had no real responsibilities besides "show up here at this time." i was basically invisible to the management, and an absolute godsend to the rest of the staff. i see myself as a very curious, very attentive person. but i am also very comfortable in the shadows. i caught on very quickly. i saw what the place was really about, the way things were run, and how absolutely rediculous things were. i treated the job as such. after a while, they started putting me in charge of things, which i always thought was just funny, because at that point whenever i could get away with something, i would. i always say "life is all about appearances" and it is because of this job that i say it. i did as little as possible while still floating under the radar. eventually i realized i could do absolutely nothing, and get away with it. the great thing was, no one even noticed that i did absolutely nothing. so i did for a while. then everyone quit, and the responsibility of 17 people was dropped on the 4 of us who remained. so now there was no real flying under the radar, i had responsibilities and such. hell, i was actually in charge of shit, like really in charge. all the hours and stuff that i had always taken for granted were now created by me. i also see myself as a very intelligent person, so i picked up the easiest way to do things very quickly. the fact that i didn't give a rats ass really helped, because i put as little thought as possible into my numbers. i think that this is what made me so good at what i did. i had a very utilitarian approach to my actual responsibilities. i knew what needed to be done, and i knew how to do it. i didn't really think about it a lot. when things needed to be changed, i changed them. when plant lists needed to be made, i just threw something together that would work, because perfection really was wasted on this job. thats another problem with this job. you can put so much thought into things, and have things all planned out perfectly, but you will never get what you want. things always change. you can't control these things. so i always focused on covering all my bases, instead of covering what would be best for the project, because i knew what was best for the project had a snowball's chance in hell of happening.
i didn't care about my job, or the cause, so i really didn't think twice about doing this. it didn't matter to me at all what plants went where, so i just put the same plants everyone else was putting in the same places. people put so much thought into this shit. i just slapped it all together, and said this will work best, and it did. i was very good at finding easy, good solutions to everything. i didn't go for anything flashy like everyone else seemed to do. everyone was always so proud of putting new plants and such in certain areas. i didn't care, i put things in that would work, and that would make things the easiest for everyone who has to work with them. that was what i did. how can i do this that will be the easiest for me and everyone else. there wasn't much thought into is this the best way for this or that, but what will make the rest of the job easier on everyone. so i came up with great, workable solutions very quickly. then i had nothing else to do, so i did as little as possible, because there wasn't anything else to do. i made sure i had something going all the time, so i always had something to do. but the rest of the shit i had was shit that no one else wanted to do, or cared about. it was all just retarded crap that didn't matter at all to anyone. so when i was doing it, and it didn't get done, no one noticed or cared, least of all me. i could leave early if i wanted too, show up late, as long as i got the things that were absolutely necessary done. because i was doing my job, and in everyone elses eyes doing it very well, no one really cared. until this new boss showed up. she wanted to have full control of everything. she thought everything we did was stupid, and then attacked us as if we had any choice in the way we did things. let me add something here, we were all working within the very twisted guidelines that the foundation had. there were certain things we just didn't have control over, and that we had to deal with. these were the things that she would yell at US about. i just wanted to sit her down and started yelling at her about how she was chastizing us about things that we have been arguing about with our old boss forever, but were overruled on. and of course, she always knew the absolute best way things should be done. if you veered off that path at all, AT ALL, she was on your ass. the worst thing was, she expected you to know how she wanted shit done. the few weeks before i quit were really painful. anything i did, i would get an email about how i did it wrong, and that i should stop being wrong because being wrong was stupid, and stupid workers are the scum of the earth. but she never told me what i was doing wrong. it was all such vague bullshit, that i never knew what she wanted. so i'd try to fix it, and she'd get really mad at me. i'd ask her what i was doing wrong, and what she wanted done, and she wouldn't tell me. she literally wouldn't tell me. i would straight up say "tell me what i did wrong so i can correcty my mistakes and not make them in the future" and i would get angry, belittling emails back about how if i didn't know how to do my job, maybe i should talk to someone about it. FUCK YOU!!! I AM TALKING TO YOU ABOUT IT NOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! so, nothing ever got done, because the way we were doing things was not the way she wanted things done. but she wouldn't tell us how she wanted things done. it got really old, because everytime i did something, even if it was exactly the way i had been doing things all along which followed starflower protocals to the best of my knowledge, it was wrong. it was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life, because i knew i was at least partially in the right, and that she was yelling about shit she doesn't even know about it. but i can't tell her she is a fucking moron because she is my boss. i have to go along with what she says, because she is the boss.
the shit that really got to me was the little things she disagreed with us all on. things that didn't fucking matter at all, and that i knew i was right about. like, for example.... i had to research digital cameras for the project we were doing. she told us to research digital cameras and report back with which one we should get. so i did. and i did a great job. like, this was something i could actually pay attention too and was kind of interested in. i mean, i really couldn't give a rats ass which digital camera we get, but i care a lot more about digital cameras than i do about ecology and restoration. this is not going to matter at all, to anyone. but still, i went to all sorts of webpages, read every review i could, and eventually decided on one. i was like, this is the one we should get. it does everything we want it too, has the highest ratings on every pages i go to, and has the best customer feed back and the fewest complaints. i turned in my research to my partner, and he was like hell yeah, this is the one. so, we turn it in to her, and we have a meeting. she gets this incredulous look on her face, and she's like why did you pick this one? kind of taken aback, i list all my reasons, and make my case. she didn't even fucking listen what i had to say, nothing i said even registered in her eyes. she didn't even respond to what i had to say. she just said "well i have this camera. why would you get that one when you could get this one. i have it, and i love it." it was so fucking stupid. i almost yelled out, why the fuck did you have me do all this research, just so you could make me look like an idiot and tell me that i'm wrong, without even listening to what i had to say. i don't care about the damn camera. you told me to research so i did. i gave you what i thought, and you just threw it all away and had me do something else. why did you make me waste my fucking time just so you could make me feel like an idiot at the end. it was all such a stupid thing, but the way it all happened reallly got under my skin. this woman made me feel like nothing.
i didn't want this job. i was doing all these things because everyone else quit, and i was the only one left. i saved the foundations ass, and did a damn good job. i exceeded everyone's expectations, and did it easily. i am doing a bunch of shit i never wanted to do because they drove the other people away and then weren't willing to hire anyone else to do it. i did it all on time, how i was told, and with a smile on my face. i dare you to try and find someone who will do my job better than me and who will put up with all the bullshit i put up with. i would have stayed forever if they had just left me alone, and let me do my job. but no, we can't have that. who cares if he's doing everything we ask him, he doesn't check in every day. he didn't tell us that he was going out to the jobsite to make sure everything was ready for the next week. we didn't know where he was for that four hours!!!!!!!!!! end of the world, obviously. lets crack down on him. lets watch him like a hawk and jump on everything we perceive he is doing wrong. lets give him as little information as possible about why we are picking on him, and expect him to put up with it, and then do more work. i do feel like i was singled out. no, i didn't always tell them where i was going. i didn't see how it could possibly be necessary. the type of control they wanted over the where and the when would have made it impossible for me to do my job as well as i did. i didn't care enough to want to put for the extra effort they wanted me too.
fuck them anyways. i'm not going to deal with the frustration anymore. i'd much rather be a nameless slave who goes to work with his head down and picks up a paycheck every 2 weeks. i'll show up on time, do my job, and leave. i don't have any grand plans about making a difference, or having a "good" career. any job will just be another shat job to me. i don't need all the extra frustration that that job provided. i just want to blend in to the background, do my job, and collect my money so i can eat. i don't care about success, a job is just a job. you are paying me for a service. i do that service, and get my money. i'll stand around and do some repetetive task as long as you leave me alone and pay me.
anyways yeah, sorry, i needed to vent. this is a jumbled mass of feelings i've been holding in because i think my bosses read my blog. whatever, i'm over it. bring on the lazy. oh, the sweet lazy
END OF AN ERA!!!
i was actually singing out loud when i was walking away from work for the last time today. i don't do that very often
i was actually singing out loud when i was walking away from work for the last time today. i don't do that very often
Monday, January 27, 2003
actually what i was trying to say, is that matt is listening to nine inch nails realllllly loud, and has been all day. so yeah, that gave me the fake "dark and pissed off because it is cool" attitude that a lot of people seem to associate with it. i mean really, that is why most people listen to things like marilyn manson and stuff, right?
people aren't really dark and tortured. most people that is. i mean, i'm sure there are some people who actually are fairly twisted, but most people are faking it. most people are faking it anyways, so it really doesn't matter. i like nine inch nails, i think they have some great stuff and all, but i don't ever really claim to be able to associate with the darkness or whatever.
in essence, yeah, people can do whatever they want, and i'll always make fun of things that i think are stupid. this is always changing, so no one is safe....... someday, i will make fun of you probably. its kind of like what matt parker and trey stone were talking about on the special features in baseketball. it was something along the lines of "we make fun of everything, so its not hypocritical or bigotted of us to make fun of you." i thought that was pretty funny.
people aren't really dark and tortured. most people that is. i mean, i'm sure there are some people who actually are fairly twisted, but most people are faking it. most people are faking it anyways, so it really doesn't matter. i like nine inch nails, i think they have some great stuff and all, but i don't ever really claim to be able to associate with the darkness or whatever.
in essence, yeah, people can do whatever they want, and i'll always make fun of things that i think are stupid. this is always changing, so no one is safe....... someday, i will make fun of you probably. its kind of like what matt parker and trey stone were talking about on the special features in baseketball. it was something along the lines of "we make fun of everything, so its not hypocritical or bigotted of us to make fun of you." i thought that was pretty funny.
so yeah.... 3 days of work left. fuck that. 3 more days to endure. it isn't long at all. i really have nothing to complain about besides these 3 days, so hey, i will :)
i still need to go to the bank. i need to do that today. note to self, go to bank.
i don't understand people. it isn't necessarily a bad thing, i just can't make any sense out of a lot of things. i can't cite any examples or anything, because i'm confused. i see myself as an intelligent person in certain ways. generally a smart guy. i mean, there are a lot of things i don't know, and a lot of things i'm not good at. there are a lot of things i do that i think are just stupid. a lot of times, i think that i'm pretty much stupid, because i do things that i think are stupid. but when you compare things that i do that i think are stupid to things that everyone else does that i think are stupid... there is no comparison. the world is filled with morons. absolute morons. and, it takes one to know one.
i would never give myself any sort of power or anything. i don't see myself as a good leader. i don't think i am qualified to make decisions that might adversely affect other people. i don't understand how other people can think that they are qualified to do so. there is a part of me that wants people to trust me as little as possible, because i don't trust myself to make the right decision.
the way i live my life does not work for everyone. in fact, i wouldn't suggest that people try to borrow life lessons from me. these are things that have worked for me, and are usually pretty theoretically sound. i don't think many people can actually pull it off though. i have found this path for life that works for me. what it comes down to is this. i think i am stupid. i don't have a lot of faith in myself a lot of times. i know what i know, but i know that i don't know everything. but, as little as i trust myself to make the right decision, i trust other people less than myself. if it is a truely difficult situation, something that really means something, i would rather have myself make that decision, because i think people are idiots. so as stupid as i think i am, i am confident in the fact that my decision will be good by comparison.
in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.
ok so yeah, that was really cheesy but hey. i don't know where i heard that saying, but in the past 2 months or so it has been everywhere. i figured since i have heard it so much, i might as well find a way to put it down here. that way, when people are analyzing all this in the future when i am famous and probably dead, people will think i am all profound and such. really, i'm not. HAH. take that you researchers. i'm just a 21 year old shmuck on a digital grandstand yammering about whatever random thought happens to be floating around his head. most of the time, i have no idea what i am writing. most of the crap you see on this page is new to me too. i start on an idea and just kind of write. then i can go back and say, oh hey, thats probably what my opinion is on this subject. did i know that is what my opinion is? no, usually not.
thats why this thing makes me look like i have viscious mood swings. these are all internal. if you look in your mind, it is probably a convoluted mass of emotions too. if you see me on the street, or have any interaction with me, i don't seem violent like i was in that blog i had after i got that parking ticket, or bleak and untrusting like in this one.
i guess what i am really getting at, is that i am mad at myself for holding back on this thing because of work. i mean, thats not what i was trying to say at all, but i just realized that i am. so yeah. i'm confused again
i still need to go to the bank. i need to do that today. note to self, go to bank.
i don't understand people. it isn't necessarily a bad thing, i just can't make any sense out of a lot of things. i can't cite any examples or anything, because i'm confused. i see myself as an intelligent person in certain ways. generally a smart guy. i mean, there are a lot of things i don't know, and a lot of things i'm not good at. there are a lot of things i do that i think are just stupid. a lot of times, i think that i'm pretty much stupid, because i do things that i think are stupid. but when you compare things that i do that i think are stupid to things that everyone else does that i think are stupid... there is no comparison. the world is filled with morons. absolute morons. and, it takes one to know one.
i would never give myself any sort of power or anything. i don't see myself as a good leader. i don't think i am qualified to make decisions that might adversely affect other people. i don't understand how other people can think that they are qualified to do so. there is a part of me that wants people to trust me as little as possible, because i don't trust myself to make the right decision.
the way i live my life does not work for everyone. in fact, i wouldn't suggest that people try to borrow life lessons from me. these are things that have worked for me, and are usually pretty theoretically sound. i don't think many people can actually pull it off though. i have found this path for life that works for me. what it comes down to is this. i think i am stupid. i don't have a lot of faith in myself a lot of times. i know what i know, but i know that i don't know everything. but, as little as i trust myself to make the right decision, i trust other people less than myself. if it is a truely difficult situation, something that really means something, i would rather have myself make that decision, because i think people are idiots. so as stupid as i think i am, i am confident in the fact that my decision will be good by comparison.
in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.
ok so yeah, that was really cheesy but hey. i don't know where i heard that saying, but in the past 2 months or so it has been everywhere. i figured since i have heard it so much, i might as well find a way to put it down here. that way, when people are analyzing all this in the future when i am famous and probably dead, people will think i am all profound and such. really, i'm not. HAH. take that you researchers. i'm just a 21 year old shmuck on a digital grandstand yammering about whatever random thought happens to be floating around his head. most of the time, i have no idea what i am writing. most of the crap you see on this page is new to me too. i start on an idea and just kind of write. then i can go back and say, oh hey, thats probably what my opinion is on this subject. did i know that is what my opinion is? no, usually not.
thats why this thing makes me look like i have viscious mood swings. these are all internal. if you look in your mind, it is probably a convoluted mass of emotions too. if you see me on the street, or have any interaction with me, i don't seem violent like i was in that blog i had after i got that parking ticket, or bleak and untrusting like in this one.
i guess what i am really getting at, is that i am mad at myself for holding back on this thing because of work. i mean, thats not what i was trying to say at all, but i just realized that i am. so yeah. i'm confused again
Sunday, January 26, 2003
bloop.
so yeah, i haven't really wanted to write and such. i quit my job, thats the real news. i don't have plans to go anywhere else. i don't know what i'm going to do, and i don't really care. i was worried for a bit about money and such, but i'm not really worried anymore.
i just haven't had anything to write. on friday i can write anything and everything i want again. i don't have to worry about someone from work finding this site. i know people have to have found it. i have a tracker that pops up the last 20 search strings people have hit my site, so i know people have. but i've been good, i haven't written anything bad. so, either the wrong people have found it, or they haven't done any digging through my archives.
so yeah, i haven't really wanted to write and such. i quit my job, thats the real news. i don't have plans to go anywhere else. i don't know what i'm going to do, and i don't really care. i was worried for a bit about money and such, but i'm not really worried anymore.
i just haven't had anything to write. on friday i can write anything and everything i want again. i don't have to worry about someone from work finding this site. i know people have to have found it. i have a tracker that pops up the last 20 search strings people have hit my site, so i know people have. but i've been good, i haven't written anything bad. so, either the wrong people have found it, or they haven't done any digging through my archives.
Friday, January 10, 2003
bleeeeeeeeendabashpeeeeeennnnnnnnn
so yeah, werd and all that usual appropriateness.
its funny, when you start second guessing yourself on the way a word is spelled, because thats always when you get screwed. whenever you start, you end up blowing it, 9 times out of 10. screwed!!!!! its like, you stare at a word, and you know its speeld right and you think its not. appropriateness is one such word at the moment. i will preface this comment with another comment. there are a lot of words that don't make any sense right now.
its like at this staff meeting, i was counting hours up in my head, but no matter how many times i added correctly, it didn't seem like they were adding up correctly. so i stared blankly. this is definitely one of the downsides of smoking a lot. oh yes, there are downsides, but they are really such trivial little things. like, really, who cares. drinking all the time did have serious problems. like wierd gastrointestinal and hangoverial problems of the head and such. this is why smoking is better. what does gastrointestinal really mean? who knows if i got that one right. thats another thing, i find myself sitting there searching for words more. but its ok, because the amount of time i spend talking about something of any importance during the day is a fairly small slice of ryan's time/energy pie.
i think i neglect my creative side. it seems pretty small. creativity is such an complicated and competetive thing. seriously, if you are creative, you are doing things differently and better than everyone else. people who are deemed creative like authors and artists and stuff are only there because they do shit better than other people. it always scared me, like having to compare stuff to other people, so i went for easier things. if you are faster and numbers and math and such, you got the same kind of recognition, but anyone could do it. it was a lot easier than being an artist. so yeah, i've always just figured i had no creative side, that i was a man bred for science. but me as a scientist? hah, no way, i couldn't handle it. i'm too flighty. i have no attention span for that sort of thing. mixing chemicals? report my results? fuck that.
i've always thought i would make a good writer, but i don't think i would. i've always wanted to try, but i have never gotten around too it. being a writer seems like such a difficult thing to get any recognition at all at, and writing for myself only doesn't seem like greatest thing. if i do something good, i want people to know about it. otherwise, how will other people know? how will you know that it is good if it is everyone elses opinion that matters to make it actually good. i mean, you don't want something you think is good, because you are bias. you want other people to tell you its good, because then you know it actually is. i mean, some stuff its ok for just you to think its good, because people are knobs some times, but over all, yeah.... what was i talking about again?
crap, i'll see you later, this is making no sense
so yeah, werd and all that usual appropriateness.
its funny, when you start second guessing yourself on the way a word is spelled, because thats always when you get screwed. whenever you start, you end up blowing it, 9 times out of 10. screwed!!!!! its like, you stare at a word, and you know its speeld right and you think its not. appropriateness is one such word at the moment. i will preface this comment with another comment. there are a lot of words that don't make any sense right now.
its like at this staff meeting, i was counting hours up in my head, but no matter how many times i added correctly, it didn't seem like they were adding up correctly. so i stared blankly. this is definitely one of the downsides of smoking a lot. oh yes, there are downsides, but they are really such trivial little things. like, really, who cares. drinking all the time did have serious problems. like wierd gastrointestinal and hangoverial problems of the head and such. this is why smoking is better. what does gastrointestinal really mean? who knows if i got that one right. thats another thing, i find myself sitting there searching for words more. but its ok, because the amount of time i spend talking about something of any importance during the day is a fairly small slice of ryan's time/energy pie.
i think i neglect my creative side. it seems pretty small. creativity is such an complicated and competetive thing. seriously, if you are creative, you are doing things differently and better than everyone else. people who are deemed creative like authors and artists and stuff are only there because they do shit better than other people. it always scared me, like having to compare stuff to other people, so i went for easier things. if you are faster and numbers and math and such, you got the same kind of recognition, but anyone could do it. it was a lot easier than being an artist. so yeah, i've always just figured i had no creative side, that i was a man bred for science. but me as a scientist? hah, no way, i couldn't handle it. i'm too flighty. i have no attention span for that sort of thing. mixing chemicals? report my results? fuck that.
i've always thought i would make a good writer, but i don't think i would. i've always wanted to try, but i have never gotten around too it. being a writer seems like such a difficult thing to get any recognition at all at, and writing for myself only doesn't seem like greatest thing. if i do something good, i want people to know about it. otherwise, how will other people know? how will you know that it is good if it is everyone elses opinion that matters to make it actually good. i mean, you don't want something you think is good, because you are bias. you want other people to tell you its good, because then you know it actually is. i mean, some stuff its ok for just you to think its good, because people are knobs some times, but over all, yeah.... what was i talking about again?
crap, i'll see you later, this is making no sense
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
oh yeah, and i don't really know the lyrics to that song. but yeah, shoot me in the head. i wish i was bon jovi. that would be a pretty sweet deal. that guy seems pretty pimpin, even if some people think he's a knob. when i saw the triumph thing at his concert, he didn't seem all that bad. and i bet he gets tons of groupies if he wants them. and that dude is married to heather locklear, so he gets to hang around her. i bet she'd do anything when she's drunk, she married some dude from bon jovi. who wouldn't want to be around her.
but anyways, i have a confession to make about my post from a few days ago. before you ask, it has nothing to do with she-males. its abotu that underwear. i ordered it online, but where did i order it from!!!!!! fucked.... old navy. i'm a tool. don't hate me because it was on mega-clearance at amazon.com. i've never owned anything from old navy before. i have that grey shirt from the gap thats treated me pretty well. now i have this shirt i got for christmas that i will probably never wear from abercrombie and whatnot. underwear from old navy? see before, if someone thought i was stupid because of it, i could always say it was a gift. because both those shirts were gifts. if someone gives me something i like, i'll use it, even if it is overpriced. now i'm just another dude with old navy underwear. maybe i will start acting all respectable like now. this underwear could change my life!
but really, who cares. i thought i did. i even posted about it. but its underwear. why it even deserves thought is unknown. underwear without holes will be nice though.... boxers that don't let my balls fall out through the busted seam in the crotch! living the high life!!! the funny thing is, it took me this long to get new underwear. i have all this stuff i've had sine like junior high and high school in my dresser. i have 4 pairs of underwear that actually fit me. 2 of these pairs have large holes in them somewhere. most of the time, i'm wearing underwear that is many years old and doesn't fit at all. half of the rest of the time, my underwear is held together with electrical tape. the more i think about it, the more i laugh about it. i mean, seriously. who the fuck fixes their underwear with electrical tape instead of buying new ones? it has worked for months and months and months......
there are certain things i used to hate doing. things like changing in a locker room, using a public restroom, buying underwear, you kind of get the gist. drunkeness has cured me of my fear of nakedness. it really doesn't matter. it is definitely funny when someone is in their underwear when they should be wearing pants. sometimes, that person happens to be me. i've accepted that fact, and don't really care anymore. hell, i got naked in front of a bunch of strangers, and then let them video tape my naked wang. that was a huge step towards normalcy, as wierd as it may seem. buying underwear isn't so bad, i guess. i mean, its just not the sort of thing you do when you are out doing stuff. you kind of go do that alone. when we go to fred meyer, the people i'm with don't want to wait for me to go find new underwear, and then stand in line with me as i buy it. not that it really matters, i'm sure they wouldn't care too much, but that kind of behind the scenes stuff is done on your own time. and i don't shop on my own time. anything worth getting can be found on the internet, and anything i need can wait a few days. when i actually buy stuff, its because i've needed it for a long time and am just now getting around to it. i still can't piss while other people are around. i can't explain that one. even when it was just matt and katy here, i had trouble sometimes. explain THAT one. not being able to piss in your own home because your roomates girlfriend is over? does she care if i'm taking a leak? doesn't she suspect thats whats going to happen when i go in the damn bathroom? why am i the way i am? i have no idea.
but anyways, i have a confession to make about my post from a few days ago. before you ask, it has nothing to do with she-males. its abotu that underwear. i ordered it online, but where did i order it from!!!!!! fucked.... old navy. i'm a tool. don't hate me because it was on mega-clearance at amazon.com. i've never owned anything from old navy before. i have that grey shirt from the gap thats treated me pretty well. now i have this shirt i got for christmas that i will probably never wear from abercrombie and whatnot. underwear from old navy? see before, if someone thought i was stupid because of it, i could always say it was a gift. because both those shirts were gifts. if someone gives me something i like, i'll use it, even if it is overpriced. now i'm just another dude with old navy underwear. maybe i will start acting all respectable like now. this underwear could change my life!
but really, who cares. i thought i did. i even posted about it. but its underwear. why it even deserves thought is unknown. underwear without holes will be nice though.... boxers that don't let my balls fall out through the busted seam in the crotch! living the high life!!! the funny thing is, it took me this long to get new underwear. i have all this stuff i've had sine like junior high and high school in my dresser. i have 4 pairs of underwear that actually fit me. 2 of these pairs have large holes in them somewhere. most of the time, i'm wearing underwear that is many years old and doesn't fit at all. half of the rest of the time, my underwear is held together with electrical tape. the more i think about it, the more i laugh about it. i mean, seriously. who the fuck fixes their underwear with electrical tape instead of buying new ones? it has worked for months and months and months......
there are certain things i used to hate doing. things like changing in a locker room, using a public restroom, buying underwear, you kind of get the gist. drunkeness has cured me of my fear of nakedness. it really doesn't matter. it is definitely funny when someone is in their underwear when they should be wearing pants. sometimes, that person happens to be me. i've accepted that fact, and don't really care anymore. hell, i got naked in front of a bunch of strangers, and then let them video tape my naked wang. that was a huge step towards normalcy, as wierd as it may seem. buying underwear isn't so bad, i guess. i mean, its just not the sort of thing you do when you are out doing stuff. you kind of go do that alone. when we go to fred meyer, the people i'm with don't want to wait for me to go find new underwear, and then stand in line with me as i buy it. not that it really matters, i'm sure they wouldn't care too much, but that kind of behind the scenes stuff is done on your own time. and i don't shop on my own time. anything worth getting can be found on the internet, and anything i need can wait a few days. when i actually buy stuff, its because i've needed it for a long time and am just now getting around to it. i still can't piss while other people are around. i can't explain that one. even when it was just matt and katy here, i had trouble sometimes. explain THAT one. not being able to piss in your own home because your roomates girlfriend is over? does she care if i'm taking a leak? doesn't she suspect thats whats going to happen when i go in the damn bathroom? why am i the way i am? i have no idea.
dun dun dun DUNNNN
you know, what does it REALLY matter if i get fired. there is something beyond hatred. what is it? i don't know.
Shot through the head, but your tooooo late, you give WAnk a bad day
you know, what does it REALLY matter if i get fired. there is something beyond hatred. what is it? i don't know.
Shot through the head, but your tooooo late, you give WAnk a bad day
Monday, January 06, 2003
alright, other things that happened today...
when i woke up, i ordered underwear online. i thought that was pretty cool. you've heard about getting your degree in your underwear, grocery shopping in your underwear, now underwear in your underwear!!!! i thought it was kind of funny. someone has to package up my underwear and mail it to me hee hee hee :)
matt had requested an anime series that had lots of naked chicks and stuff. i agreed that this would be a great idea, so i downloaded a few episodes of an anime called F3. i only have episode 1 and 3, so i am basing my opinion off these. it started off very innocently, with this girl trying to get herself off, but WAIT!!! she can't. thus the name, F3. Frantic, Frustrated, Female... so yeah, her sister comes home from college, and sees her, so she's like, alright, i'll help her out. after hours of trying, she finally hypnotizes her, which does the trick. the only problem, the only way she can get off now is if her sister touches her. see, now i'd argue that this is better than not coming at all, but hey, i'm not a blue haired little anime chick, am i. so after this, they go around trying to find a real solution. the psychic they see can't help them, the scientist they see hookes her up to a tentacle sex robot thing, which promptly overheats and blows up, and even mom trys to help out by getting out the whips and the dominatrix outfit at the end. so far the scientist tentacle thing and the incest thing is kind of wierd, but i looked past it and went on to episode 3. there are new characters introduced in episode 2 i guess, because she wakes up on a pile of leather clad lesbians. then things got kind of wierd. she is possessed by an evil ghost, and grows a penis. the problem now, she can't stop coming. she can't get enough. its kind of wierd, because she can also make things grow dildos and such. so now, there is an army of lobsters with wangs instead of claws flying around the house chasing all the lesbians. so they call in some chick. i don't know why they called her, but they did. she gets the devil/girl hybrid off, then takes off her panties to reveal her own wang. this was kind of wierd i though. it got so much worse though.... it ended with both the she males doing each other in this wierd 69 thing. i stopped watching at this point.
BLOOP!!!! anyone who wants some shemale on shemale action, tell me
when i woke up, i ordered underwear online. i thought that was pretty cool. you've heard about getting your degree in your underwear, grocery shopping in your underwear, now underwear in your underwear!!!! i thought it was kind of funny. someone has to package up my underwear and mail it to me hee hee hee :)
matt had requested an anime series that had lots of naked chicks and stuff. i agreed that this would be a great idea, so i downloaded a few episodes of an anime called F3. i only have episode 1 and 3, so i am basing my opinion off these. it started off very innocently, with this girl trying to get herself off, but WAIT!!! she can't. thus the name, F3. Frantic, Frustrated, Female... so yeah, her sister comes home from college, and sees her, so she's like, alright, i'll help her out. after hours of trying, she finally hypnotizes her, which does the trick. the only problem, the only way she can get off now is if her sister touches her. see, now i'd argue that this is better than not coming at all, but hey, i'm not a blue haired little anime chick, am i. so after this, they go around trying to find a real solution. the psychic they see can't help them, the scientist they see hookes her up to a tentacle sex robot thing, which promptly overheats and blows up, and even mom trys to help out by getting out the whips and the dominatrix outfit at the end. so far the scientist tentacle thing and the incest thing is kind of wierd, but i looked past it and went on to episode 3. there are new characters introduced in episode 2 i guess, because she wakes up on a pile of leather clad lesbians. then things got kind of wierd. she is possessed by an evil ghost, and grows a penis. the problem now, she can't stop coming. she can't get enough. its kind of wierd, because she can also make things grow dildos and such. so now, there is an army of lobsters with wangs instead of claws flying around the house chasing all the lesbians. so they call in some chick. i don't know why they called her, but they did. she gets the devil/girl hybrid off, then takes off her panties to reveal her own wang. this was kind of wierd i though. it got so much worse though.... it ended with both the she males doing each other in this wierd 69 thing. i stopped watching at this point.
BLOOP!!!! anyone who wants some shemale on shemale action, tell me
and thusly, i edit
you know, i'll be honest with you. when i said i cared more, i was full of shit. i guess i was just reaching for a way to explain the fact that being at church really annoyed me. it did, blah blah, now it doesn't really matter. i'll be honest with you. my hold on anything that matters to me is a little fleeting. its gotten kind of bad. my personal hygene is pretty much non-existant. it has been at least 2 months since i've done laundry now, i'm pretty sure. i honestly couldn't tell you. i've been saying truthfully that its been at least a month for the last 2 or 3 weeks, so i'm guessing its been 2 months, just simple calender math. i shower maybe every 3rd, 4th day. i haven't shaved in months, half the time i don't wash my hair all the way because we run out of hot water before i get done with it because i'm forgetful and lazy. i brush my teeth when it suits me, i never floss, but then again, what else is new. the dishes are all in the sink. when i need to microwave something, i wipe one down. sometimes i even use soap. i live in a pit, its dirty, smelly, and i don't care. it really doesn't bother me. it doesn't really bother matt, either. every month or two, it gets to the point where we can't walk, eat or drink, because there is too much shit around, so we clean the place. we both kind of know when we need to do it, because we have been thinking the same thing for a while. then we spend a half hour, hour maybe and clean shit. if people didn't come over from time to time, people who care, who knows what shit would be like. most of the time when we straighten up, its because our dealer is coming over, which i think is kind of hilarious.
and you know, i'll say it again, just in case you don't believe me, it doesn't really bother me. i don't care what i smell like, i don't care if i'm dirty, i don't care if i'm living in unsanitary conditions. it takes a lot of time to stay clean and fresh 24/7. i don't like to eat when i don't have to, so stupid things like cleaning? lol...
its probably about time for me to get a girlfriend or something, give me a whip back in the direction of the general population. but that doesn't seem like a lot of fun. i don't want a girlfriend. she'll want me to smell good, and clean my clothes, and keep my apartment straightened up and stuff. that just sucks.
i have been reaquainting myself with my playstation 2 lately. it kind of sat there for a long time, with the whole camelot addiction and all. like all my addictions in the past, dark age of camelot has kind of fluttered down to an occasional deal. its like alcohol now, something i do once in a while for nostolgia, but not something i go out of my way to do. anyways, the playstation 2 has made a pretty big comeback. we went through this whole tekken tag and tekken 4 craze a while ago and burnt ourselves out. air acutally bought tekken 4 and left it at our place, so we've been playing again, its pretty sweet. what really made me happy was after tekken, we went through a hardcore hockey phase. i may have mentioned this before, i dunno, but hockey is pretty much the one game i have always liked. i've always thought of myself at the best, probably because hockey was always at my house, so i played it more than anyone. i look at myself as the hockey dojo master. i train my pupils in the art, but when it comes down to it, i am still the master. my pupils will see flashes of greatness in themselves, but greatness can be consistant for just one person. that person is me. i always am the one to up the intensity, to reach that next plateau. the first to hit 10 goals in a game, then 13, then 17, then 21, always 2 steps ahead of the rest of the world (the world being my friends who play hockey with me). it doesn't stop until i get to the point where i score 28 goals in a game, and it isn't physically possible to score more. then it kind of stops, because what is there to do if you can't improve. it got to the point where i would just play along with whatever music was playing, hitting buttons in time with what the song was doing. my instincts took over, and i would just own. when initial d music was playing, i can get into grooves where it is just goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal until the computer assistance kicks in.
anyways, we finished the season, so hopefully hockey is out for a bit. but there are 2 new games. one is multiplayer. it is called frequency. this game...... i have not been sucked into a game like this in a long time. you know, where hours fly by, you wake up and start playing, and next thing you know its 3:45 in the morning and you have to force yourself to go to sleep. everything in between is a blur. anyways, this game has been my weekend. i love this game. the only problem is, i'm at a serious wall right now. this game is insanely hard. to unlock levels, you have to beat it on easy, normal, and hard. certain levels you have to unlock on normal and hard. now, i beat it on easy, which took a whole lot of luck. now, i'm completely stuck on normal. its killing me. i'm forcing myself not to play at this very moment. when i went to sleep last night, i was up for an hour with the game playing in my head along with the music. oh oh oh, so this game, what it is. the game takes songs and breaks them up into different parts. usually there are 2 drums in the background, and depending on what kind of song it is, vocals, guitars, synth, fx, you get the picture. so there are 6 or 7 different parts of each song. each one is turned into a little track dealy. you play in these arenas, where basically you are flying through an octagonal tube. for each track, there are little gems you collect if you play the song right. if you play the track perfectly for long enough, it will keep going on its own, so you can move to a different track and play it along with the first one. this keeps going for a while until you get to a certain spot, then the way the song is meant to be will take over, and you kind of start over again, trying to capture tracks. it is pretty amazing, you kind of have to see it to understand.
also, i got gran turismo 3. 1 and 2 are probably both on my top 5 timesinks of all time, so watch out. i just hope i don't miss work or something and lose my job because of these damn games...
blah. shower, then maybe laundry. i have a new office at work, with a new officemate. tomorrow is the first time we will really meet and work with each other. i guess i should do the right thing and not smell terrible.
shoot me in the head
you know, i'll be honest with you. when i said i cared more, i was full of shit. i guess i was just reaching for a way to explain the fact that being at church really annoyed me. it did, blah blah, now it doesn't really matter. i'll be honest with you. my hold on anything that matters to me is a little fleeting. its gotten kind of bad. my personal hygene is pretty much non-existant. it has been at least 2 months since i've done laundry now, i'm pretty sure. i honestly couldn't tell you. i've been saying truthfully that its been at least a month for the last 2 or 3 weeks, so i'm guessing its been 2 months, just simple calender math. i shower maybe every 3rd, 4th day. i haven't shaved in months, half the time i don't wash my hair all the way because we run out of hot water before i get done with it because i'm forgetful and lazy. i brush my teeth when it suits me, i never floss, but then again, what else is new. the dishes are all in the sink. when i need to microwave something, i wipe one down. sometimes i even use soap. i live in a pit, its dirty, smelly, and i don't care. it really doesn't bother me. it doesn't really bother matt, either. every month or two, it gets to the point where we can't walk, eat or drink, because there is too much shit around, so we clean the place. we both kind of know when we need to do it, because we have been thinking the same thing for a while. then we spend a half hour, hour maybe and clean shit. if people didn't come over from time to time, people who care, who knows what shit would be like. most of the time when we straighten up, its because our dealer is coming over, which i think is kind of hilarious.
and you know, i'll say it again, just in case you don't believe me, it doesn't really bother me. i don't care what i smell like, i don't care if i'm dirty, i don't care if i'm living in unsanitary conditions. it takes a lot of time to stay clean and fresh 24/7. i don't like to eat when i don't have to, so stupid things like cleaning? lol...
its probably about time for me to get a girlfriend or something, give me a whip back in the direction of the general population. but that doesn't seem like a lot of fun. i don't want a girlfriend. she'll want me to smell good, and clean my clothes, and keep my apartment straightened up and stuff. that just sucks.
i have been reaquainting myself with my playstation 2 lately. it kind of sat there for a long time, with the whole camelot addiction and all. like all my addictions in the past, dark age of camelot has kind of fluttered down to an occasional deal. its like alcohol now, something i do once in a while for nostolgia, but not something i go out of my way to do. anyways, the playstation 2 has made a pretty big comeback. we went through this whole tekken tag and tekken 4 craze a while ago and burnt ourselves out. air acutally bought tekken 4 and left it at our place, so we've been playing again, its pretty sweet. what really made me happy was after tekken, we went through a hardcore hockey phase. i may have mentioned this before, i dunno, but hockey is pretty much the one game i have always liked. i've always thought of myself at the best, probably because hockey was always at my house, so i played it more than anyone. i look at myself as the hockey dojo master. i train my pupils in the art, but when it comes down to it, i am still the master. my pupils will see flashes of greatness in themselves, but greatness can be consistant for just one person. that person is me. i always am the one to up the intensity, to reach that next plateau. the first to hit 10 goals in a game, then 13, then 17, then 21, always 2 steps ahead of the rest of the world (the world being my friends who play hockey with me). it doesn't stop until i get to the point where i score 28 goals in a game, and it isn't physically possible to score more. then it kind of stops, because what is there to do if you can't improve. it got to the point where i would just play along with whatever music was playing, hitting buttons in time with what the song was doing. my instincts took over, and i would just own. when initial d music was playing, i can get into grooves where it is just goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal until the computer assistance kicks in.
anyways, we finished the season, so hopefully hockey is out for a bit. but there are 2 new games. one is multiplayer. it is called frequency. this game...... i have not been sucked into a game like this in a long time. you know, where hours fly by, you wake up and start playing, and next thing you know its 3:45 in the morning and you have to force yourself to go to sleep. everything in between is a blur. anyways, this game has been my weekend. i love this game. the only problem is, i'm at a serious wall right now. this game is insanely hard. to unlock levels, you have to beat it on easy, normal, and hard. certain levels you have to unlock on normal and hard. now, i beat it on easy, which took a whole lot of luck. now, i'm completely stuck on normal. its killing me. i'm forcing myself not to play at this very moment. when i went to sleep last night, i was up for an hour with the game playing in my head along with the music. oh oh oh, so this game, what it is. the game takes songs and breaks them up into different parts. usually there are 2 drums in the background, and depending on what kind of song it is, vocals, guitars, synth, fx, you get the picture. so there are 6 or 7 different parts of each song. each one is turned into a little track dealy. you play in these arenas, where basically you are flying through an octagonal tube. for each track, there are little gems you collect if you play the song right. if you play the track perfectly for long enough, it will keep going on its own, so you can move to a different track and play it along with the first one. this keeps going for a while until you get to a certain spot, then the way the song is meant to be will take over, and you kind of start over again, trying to capture tracks. it is pretty amazing, you kind of have to see it to understand.
also, i got gran turismo 3. 1 and 2 are probably both on my top 5 timesinks of all time, so watch out. i just hope i don't miss work or something and lose my job because of these damn games...
blah. shower, then maybe laundry. i have a new office at work, with a new officemate. tomorrow is the first time we will really meet and work with each other. i guess i should do the right thing and not smell terrible.
shoot me in the head
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
