Thursday, March 27, 2003
ok, in that first paragraph, i used the word exact too much. with the things scaling up and down, i'm kind of thinking about how the pattern of life is more or less the same, its just as you go up or down through these different levels, things get more complex or less complex around these same patterns that keep popping up.... i think
sleeeeeep, i just want to sleep.
i don't know what is up with my sleeping shit now. i just woke up at 7.... i don't know why. i'm not fighting it, but i don't know why.
so yeah, about this religion thing. it is kind of hard to explain, but let me give it a shot here. i was thinking to myself about how i wish i had something to believe in kind of thing, like having a religion. but religions pretty much suck. so i said to myself, what would my IDEAL religion look like, if it could be anything i wanted. without going overboard and declaring myself god of everything, i came up with this loose jumble of thoughts that i haven't quite been able to tie all together yet into some sort of unifying theory.
first off, hmmmm..... alright, first off let me kinda spill out a few things i was thinking about when i was blabbling to myself about it, because it will explain one of the major theories. i don't know where i heard this term, or if it is even a real term. life emulates life? like things scaling up or down, but still having the exact same characteristics. its like fractals, where you can find the same exact patterns popping up whether you go really big, or really small. basically, so there are different levels of existance, i guess you would say. like, there are certain thresholds that we as humans think are impossible to cross. think in math, when you have hyperbola's or whatever, where you are approaching an axis line with your curve, but you can never quite reach it, so your number keeps getting huge on one axis, and keeps getting closer and closer and closer, but never quite there (there is a term for this i wish i could think of it, asymptote?). kind of like how it is impossible to reach the speed of light. you can cross them, but it takes some help from the other side. we'll get to that later though. so anyways, this whole approaching the curve thing, it is a metaphor for human potential. we as humans can keep pushing ourselves, but we always hit a wall where improvement isn't really feasible. to do this, we kind of end up neglecting everything else. think olympic atheletes. they are ungodly at that one thing they do, but they have to forget about everything else to do it. ok, another visual to kind of explain this. the whole range of human activity and thought is shown in a circle. you can pick one point out to focus on, and stretch your circle towards that. you can get to a certain point really easily. but when you try to stretch it to two points, or three points, you have to press harder and it still doesn't stretch as far. we reach our limits, but we know it is possible to go farther in any particular direction.
so kind of the main theory is that there is another phase of existance beyond us with a bigger circle to play with, so simple human functions are no problem to them. it is possible to be better at humans at everything simultaneously. everyone has this ability, i mean really. everyone has had that moment where everything fell into place and anything seemed possible. where you did things you never thought you were able to do. people getting shots of adrenaline when they are attacked, so they lay out 3 huge guys and run off. basically, everyone has these moments where they push the limits of the human threshold of thought or ability. you know something or did something that for all practical purposes, you can't explain, yet it isn't out of the ordinary enough to worry about. see, this is what i live for. if i can get my mind racing, i am happy. mental stimulation is the name of my game.
so yeah, there are these beings. i'll just call them beings i guess (or probably just "the dudes" because i use that for everything). but yeah, they are a whole different level of existance, that is basically beyond our visions of physical limitation. the best analogy i could come up with is that they are a level above us, kind of like we are a level above furniture or some other inatimate object. but it isn't a linear thing, so it is more complex than them just using us to shine their shoes. we exsist, but they exist in a different plane kind of thing. we don't know about them because we can't comprehend them, it would be too much for us. our level of exsistance isn't equipped to handle the knowledge that their existance exists. but basically, they take our existance and enhance every aspect of it. like, they reach that breaking point, and just bust through, and kind of settle back down into this new existance, and the cycle starts all over again.
editorial note: ok, sideline chatter about breaking through the human threshold. i saw a perfect example of exactly how my thought process was working. i was thinking about all of this, and how to explain it. i couldn't quite do it. then a few days later, i saw the animatrix trailer. they have a shot of this sprinter dude busting through his human limitations, and that is how he busted out of the matrix kind of thing. i was so stoked when i saw that, because it fit in so perfectely, besides the whole mechanical thing.
alright, so if these things exist, how do we know? we know they have to exist any time we see someone pushing the human threshold. because humans are constantly pushing their limits just a little bit further, and without this other phase of existance, eventually we would max out every threshold possible, and then there would be no room for improvement in anything. i like to think that i can always improve at anything, even if i have to summon the supernatural to believe it. so, we see people on the brink of this threshold, and figure there has to be something beyond. we sense it, but we never quite see it. i bet furniture doesn't know that we exsist, but it still reacts to us sitting on it. cushions cush, even if they don't have the capacity to understand what is going on. so yeah, kind of on that vein, this higher level uses us for their own ends. its not some sort of wierd thing, it is more benevolent than you might think. because i don't think existance has to be such a predatory thing. if you can do something without fucking someone else, it is probably better for you anyways. the whole dog eat dog mentality really doesn't sit well with me. i'd like to think that our ability as humans to not have to rely on being the absolute best to survive is what makes our existance better than animals, an evolutionary leap so to speak. our understanding of this should open up whole new worlds of thought. i mean it has, look at our society. we have free will, free thought, art, video games, etc etc etc. if you are worrying about not dying, you don't have much time to worry about which harry potter book was better. so yeah, i figure there has to be something above us, like another phase of existance where you don't have to worry about your next paycheck. everytime we don't have to worry about survival, it opens up the brain for other things.
so yeah, these dudes are kind of an amplification of human existance. there has to be some sort of higher order, some good and evil. i live my life believing that i am generally doing good because i try to find a balance between doing what i want, and not screwing over other people. i don't like hurting other people. so, if i could exist without having to worry about hurting other people, i could do that much more. anyways, so in this ideal existance beyond our existance, in my mind i see an amplification of everything i think is important. like, everything i think i would like to be able to do is possible, without all of what i think is negative in our existance down here. most of what i believe i kind of chalk up to what i see as unwritten laws (which is kind of dangerous), so in the existance above, there are no real laws or anything, because it isn't necessary. all these dudes have the ability to somehow celebrate their differences while knowing that other dudes will do the same, all the while following this unwritten code of ethics that kind of boil down to a base sense of respect and decency towards everything else. its a paradise. if you think about it, if you take away this whole survival complex we have , you would lose a lot of misunderstandings and purely destructive thought processes, and you would end up with this ideal world in which everyone was allowed to do their thing without being hassled. it involves minimal compromise with everyone sure, but the closer you are to being like this when you poop yourself across the threshold, the less you have to compromise. so, i'm going to keep living the way i think is right. sure, i need to focus on survival in this existance, so i won't always be able to do so. i still have always considered myself a somewhat enlightened person because it makes me happy to think so. now i have an explaination. the closer i get to the threshold, the more of the next existance i understand.
everyone has the ability to poop over. some people are obviously closer to pooping over than others. that is why there are so many morons in the world. they are just several millenia away from rational thought :P
ok everyone, i'll make you a deal here. my head is having trouble tying some other parts together. i don't feel like skimming back through what i just wrote, so i'm going to stop here for today and kind of look things over, and then come back too it. because i have more to add, and probably a lot of editing to do to the above before it makes any sense, but it is a start. a glimpse into my new belief system. huzzah!
we'll just call this blog a work in progress.
i don't know what is up with my sleeping shit now. i just woke up at 7.... i don't know why. i'm not fighting it, but i don't know why.
so yeah, about this religion thing. it is kind of hard to explain, but let me give it a shot here. i was thinking to myself about how i wish i had something to believe in kind of thing, like having a religion. but religions pretty much suck. so i said to myself, what would my IDEAL religion look like, if it could be anything i wanted. without going overboard and declaring myself god of everything, i came up with this loose jumble of thoughts that i haven't quite been able to tie all together yet into some sort of unifying theory.
first off, hmmmm..... alright, first off let me kinda spill out a few things i was thinking about when i was blabbling to myself about it, because it will explain one of the major theories. i don't know where i heard this term, or if it is even a real term. life emulates life? like things scaling up or down, but still having the exact same characteristics. its like fractals, where you can find the same exact patterns popping up whether you go really big, or really small. basically, so there are different levels of existance, i guess you would say. like, there are certain thresholds that we as humans think are impossible to cross. think in math, when you have hyperbola's or whatever, where you are approaching an axis line with your curve, but you can never quite reach it, so your number keeps getting huge on one axis, and keeps getting closer and closer and closer, but never quite there (there is a term for this i wish i could think of it, asymptote?). kind of like how it is impossible to reach the speed of light. you can cross them, but it takes some help from the other side. we'll get to that later though. so anyways, this whole approaching the curve thing, it is a metaphor for human potential. we as humans can keep pushing ourselves, but we always hit a wall where improvement isn't really feasible. to do this, we kind of end up neglecting everything else. think olympic atheletes. they are ungodly at that one thing they do, but they have to forget about everything else to do it. ok, another visual to kind of explain this. the whole range of human activity and thought is shown in a circle. you can pick one point out to focus on, and stretch your circle towards that. you can get to a certain point really easily. but when you try to stretch it to two points, or three points, you have to press harder and it still doesn't stretch as far. we reach our limits, but we know it is possible to go farther in any particular direction.
so kind of the main theory is that there is another phase of existance beyond us with a bigger circle to play with, so simple human functions are no problem to them. it is possible to be better at humans at everything simultaneously. everyone has this ability, i mean really. everyone has had that moment where everything fell into place and anything seemed possible. where you did things you never thought you were able to do. people getting shots of adrenaline when they are attacked, so they lay out 3 huge guys and run off. basically, everyone has these moments where they push the limits of the human threshold of thought or ability. you know something or did something that for all practical purposes, you can't explain, yet it isn't out of the ordinary enough to worry about. see, this is what i live for. if i can get my mind racing, i am happy. mental stimulation is the name of my game.
so yeah, there are these beings. i'll just call them beings i guess (or probably just "the dudes" because i use that for everything). but yeah, they are a whole different level of existance, that is basically beyond our visions of physical limitation. the best analogy i could come up with is that they are a level above us, kind of like we are a level above furniture or some other inatimate object. but it isn't a linear thing, so it is more complex than them just using us to shine their shoes. we exsist, but they exist in a different plane kind of thing. we don't know about them because we can't comprehend them, it would be too much for us. our level of exsistance isn't equipped to handle the knowledge that their existance exists. but basically, they take our existance and enhance every aspect of it. like, they reach that breaking point, and just bust through, and kind of settle back down into this new existance, and the cycle starts all over again.
editorial note: ok, sideline chatter about breaking through the human threshold. i saw a perfect example of exactly how my thought process was working. i was thinking about all of this, and how to explain it. i couldn't quite do it. then a few days later, i saw the animatrix trailer. they have a shot of this sprinter dude busting through his human limitations, and that is how he busted out of the matrix kind of thing. i was so stoked when i saw that, because it fit in so perfectely, besides the whole mechanical thing.
alright, so if these things exist, how do we know? we know they have to exist any time we see someone pushing the human threshold. because humans are constantly pushing their limits just a little bit further, and without this other phase of existance, eventually we would max out every threshold possible, and then there would be no room for improvement in anything. i like to think that i can always improve at anything, even if i have to summon the supernatural to believe it. so, we see people on the brink of this threshold, and figure there has to be something beyond. we sense it, but we never quite see it. i bet furniture doesn't know that we exsist, but it still reacts to us sitting on it. cushions cush, even if they don't have the capacity to understand what is going on. so yeah, kind of on that vein, this higher level uses us for their own ends. its not some sort of wierd thing, it is more benevolent than you might think. because i don't think existance has to be such a predatory thing. if you can do something without fucking someone else, it is probably better for you anyways. the whole dog eat dog mentality really doesn't sit well with me. i'd like to think that our ability as humans to not have to rely on being the absolute best to survive is what makes our existance better than animals, an evolutionary leap so to speak. our understanding of this should open up whole new worlds of thought. i mean it has, look at our society. we have free will, free thought, art, video games, etc etc etc. if you are worrying about not dying, you don't have much time to worry about which harry potter book was better. so yeah, i figure there has to be something above us, like another phase of existance where you don't have to worry about your next paycheck. everytime we don't have to worry about survival, it opens up the brain for other things.
so yeah, these dudes are kind of an amplification of human existance. there has to be some sort of higher order, some good and evil. i live my life believing that i am generally doing good because i try to find a balance between doing what i want, and not screwing over other people. i don't like hurting other people. so, if i could exist without having to worry about hurting other people, i could do that much more. anyways, so in this ideal existance beyond our existance, in my mind i see an amplification of everything i think is important. like, everything i think i would like to be able to do is possible, without all of what i think is negative in our existance down here. most of what i believe i kind of chalk up to what i see as unwritten laws (which is kind of dangerous), so in the existance above, there are no real laws or anything, because it isn't necessary. all these dudes have the ability to somehow celebrate their differences while knowing that other dudes will do the same, all the while following this unwritten code of ethics that kind of boil down to a base sense of respect and decency towards everything else. its a paradise. if you think about it, if you take away this whole survival complex we have , you would lose a lot of misunderstandings and purely destructive thought processes, and you would end up with this ideal world in which everyone was allowed to do their thing without being hassled. it involves minimal compromise with everyone sure, but the closer you are to being like this when you poop yourself across the threshold, the less you have to compromise. so, i'm going to keep living the way i think is right. sure, i need to focus on survival in this existance, so i won't always be able to do so. i still have always considered myself a somewhat enlightened person because it makes me happy to think so. now i have an explaination. the closer i get to the threshold, the more of the next existance i understand.
everyone has the ability to poop over. some people are obviously closer to pooping over than others. that is why there are so many morons in the world. they are just several millenia away from rational thought :P
ok everyone, i'll make you a deal here. my head is having trouble tying some other parts together. i don't feel like skimming back through what i just wrote, so i'm going to stop here for today and kind of look things over, and then come back too it. because i have more to add, and probably a lot of editing to do to the above before it makes any sense, but it is a start. a glimpse into my new belief system. huzzah!
we'll just call this blog a work in progress.
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
has the RIAA started claiming that file sharing promotes terrorism yet? because if it does, i'll be twice the criminal i am today. its funny to think of me committing criminal acts sitting here too lazy to put clothes on at like 3:50 in the morning. i managed to get my hands on the linkin park cd, and people have been diligently snagging it from me for the past few days. i've actually left kazaa up, i even upped my filesharing capacity in anticipation. actually, its a pretty good album. better than hybrid theory. very well produced album, it has a really really cool sound to it. check it out, they do a lot of cool stuff on it, and every song is worth listening too.
shameless pimping shpeil over.... (linkin park. meteora. download. yesssssssss.....)
other than that, whats to say. i don't have time to go into this new religion. i need a few more nights to ponder a few things before i start laying stuff down for outside inspection. i should just make a whole new page and link it so i don't get stuck with more of those damn [big body] messages like the last time i overloaded blogger with a huge thing. but right now, i just don't have the energy. well ok, i do have the energy. and i do have the time. oh wait, i don't need to make excuses anymore, i already made one at the top, woo hoo!!! but yeah. a little precursor. my religion really works on a loop hole that every religion has. if you pluck it out of the eternal number of possibilities, good things happen. so i am taking everything i would want and need a religion to be, and creating it to believe in. i think i have a pretty cool little idea to base it on too. well, cool to me. it might be nonesense to everyone else because i am only having moderate success translating the images in my head into words. but yeah, its good stuff. i believe it, and i don't get excited about much. and if i am making it as my own personal religion, it is obvious that i won't know everything about it at first. it starts with a bunch of theories, man trying to explain things in the world he doesn't understand. well, i don't really care about the rest of the world. my religion doesn't really pertain to the physical aspect of existance, well it kinda does, but is more directed at other things......... SEE SEE!! i see it in my head, and it comes out a jumble. i'll work at it. as the creator and prophet or whatever i'm making myself, i have the right to tweak it before it goes live, so to speak.
cripes, time to go to bed and such. i just downloaded a new album, and sleep time is the best time i get to listen to music baby. at least the first few tracks.... although lately i can stay up through the whole thing, no matter when i start it. lator gator
shameless pimping shpeil over.... (linkin park. meteora. download. yesssssssss.....)
other than that, whats to say. i don't have time to go into this new religion. i need a few more nights to ponder a few things before i start laying stuff down for outside inspection. i should just make a whole new page and link it so i don't get stuck with more of those damn [big body] messages like the last time i overloaded blogger with a huge thing. but right now, i just don't have the energy. well ok, i do have the energy. and i do have the time. oh wait, i don't need to make excuses anymore, i already made one at the top, woo hoo!!! but yeah. a little precursor. my religion really works on a loop hole that every religion has. if you pluck it out of the eternal number of possibilities, good things happen. so i am taking everything i would want and need a religion to be, and creating it to believe in. i think i have a pretty cool little idea to base it on too. well, cool to me. it might be nonesense to everyone else because i am only having moderate success translating the images in my head into words. but yeah, its good stuff. i believe it, and i don't get excited about much. and if i am making it as my own personal religion, it is obvious that i won't know everything about it at first. it starts with a bunch of theories, man trying to explain things in the world he doesn't understand. well, i don't really care about the rest of the world. my religion doesn't really pertain to the physical aspect of existance, well it kinda does, but is more directed at other things......... SEE SEE!! i see it in my head, and it comes out a jumble. i'll work at it. as the creator and prophet or whatever i'm making myself, i have the right to tweak it before it goes live, so to speak.
cripes, time to go to bed and such. i just downloaded a new album, and sleep time is the best time i get to listen to music baby. at least the first few tracks.... although lately i can stay up through the whole thing, no matter when i start it. lator gator
Monday, March 24, 2003
ding ding we have a winner! #2 on google for the search string "I think I just pooped iwill check my pants and see if I pooped"
combine that with "dolphin sluts", its turning out to be a rather hilarious day
combine that with "dolphin sluts", its turning out to be a rather hilarious day
Saturday, March 22, 2003
any one who was out with me tonight must understand that at this point, i am more fucked than you can ever dream. i am the fuckedest of any fucke of all tonight with the fucked of the OH YEAH
like 2 days from now is my TWO YEAR blogiversery. that is something a little special, that is two years of my retardedness. retardapeness to the max, i mean, i am cracksanitity, what is the dealy, yo....... yo, snibbles... bwah!!!
anyways, i figured i should mention this now, because in a few days i will really all out forget, so now when i am off my rocker seemed like a good moment to bring it up to immortalize it. because really, for this blog it is quite the accomplishment. bwar, chek you on the shnib side
anyways, i figured i should mention this now, because in a few days i will really all out forget, so now when i am off my rocker seemed like a good moment to bring it up to immortalize it. because really, for this blog it is quite the accomplishment. bwar, chek you on the shnib side
Friday, March 21, 2003
ok, so my friend mileena took this picture (i think at least). its in downtown San Francisco i believe. there were some protests, and a yoga class broke out in the middle of the riots. who would have thought?
yogurtesters comin through
yogurtesters comin through
Thursday, March 20, 2003
having nothing to say is always fairly disheartening. i mean, not trying is one thing, but actually wanting to write because its like 5:30 in the morning and you are feeling creative, only to be slapped in the face with reality is quite another.
so, if i can't be outright creative and write something of substance, i'll reach into my brain and pull out whatever i can come up with. i did this once with fairly good results, and once with disasterous results. i thought it was kind of cool, just because it broke up the monotany of my usual rant. i'll call it a rant in the singular form, because it is usually the same arguement, just directed towards one aspect of life or another. the only rule, is that nothing can be premeditated (with the exception of the first thing of course, you have to get the ball rolling). i'll try to do it, just change subject whenever my mind changes subjects. who knows, its worth a shot, and at least its moderately creative by my own standards. so without further ado....
american idol is a great show this year. there are some very talented people, but a few just outshine everyone. i am convinced that clay is not human. he is some sort of elf or something. he has superhuman powers, and he's just kind of showing off. i feel a wierd connection too him, because i see the same sort of quiet arrogance in the way he looks and talks that i have all the time. except he is actually better than other people at singing, so his arrogance is justified. my arrogance is the creation of my own boredom. if i am bored with life, it must mean i am above this meager existance. who knows, maybe i am actually from clay's superior inhuman race, and i just haven't found that one thing i was genetically programmed to be perfect at.
perfection is kind of a tricky subject. it takes an unbelievable amount of skill at something to even flirt with perfection. the point where you are so in tune with your senses, that simply getting something done without screwing up isn't even part of the picture, and that you can take miniscule risks that flirt with disaster to push your overall skill that much closer to being perfect. its wierd, because there is no way to be perfect. you can do things perfectly, but 9 times out of 10, it will be completely by accident. you can push your skill level, until you can reproduce this fluke result, but it means taking risks. my current view of perfections comes from car racing, in particular the anime series Initial D and the video game Gran Turismo. see, i was always incredible at Gran Turismo. i spent so much time dinking around the first time i played it, just in awe with the game that i didn't know you could make your car better. so i had to find a way to beat the other cars, even though my car was slower than theirs. i didn't know that i was taking forever, because i had never played the game. but i spent a loooong time trying to beat these cars, figuring that this sort of thing was normal. i played with that one car so much, trying to make more money, that i was good enough to know exactly how my car would react in any situation, and i could manipulate this to get through the course faster. it was something i always understood, but i could never put into words. it was a need for perfection, because there is a perfect way through each course, where you maintain a maximum overall speed and take the most advantageous line, so there is no way anyone could do it faster. this is what i always looked for. i never really felt anyone else understood, even though everyone did. when i watched initial d, it felt like i was playing gran turismo again, like at the peak of my form, when i was so good i was trying to shave that extra hundredth of a second off to get a better lap time by going through a corner at the edge of control, yet still taking the best line physically possible. i feel like i am getting pretty good at the game again. i'm probably better than i ever was in the past, but no where near as good as i could be. it is frustrating, and why i don't play more. it is a big time commitment, even though time is the only thing i have tons of right now. maybe i'm not willing to commit the attention. why bother searching for perfection when i can watch takumi and experience it with him, without the frustration of never being able to do it in a video game.
time is going by waaaay too quickly. i mean, its almost the end of march? february is a blur. the entire time since my last day of work is a blur. it has felt like no time at all, but when i think about it, it feels like forever. it is glorious. i really really enjoy doing nothing. i could do this for the rest of my life. when you aren't doing anything, you don't care if your nothing gets recognized by other people. your happiness is your number one priority, and after a while you don't care about pleasing other people. sure its nice, but when you are home on your ass, there is no one else to please but yourself, and it is mighty fine. you always have weekends, when the rest of the world is ready to unwind. of course, you never had the chance to get wound up, so you slip into the whole mood very well. it is kind of fun, as long as you don't mind the boredom, because boredom because the overriding emotion. boredom is better than bitterness or blind rage.
of course, i have no mental stimulation these days, besides writing in this here journal. it is the only thing that keeps my mind working. i feel myself dulling, which is a little annoying. thats what is different about me these days. i'm almost longing for school. i think about school and look forward to lectures, and homework, and tests. i don't have to worry about work, or anything, and i really wish i was in school right now. it may sound perverted, but NOTHING can compare to the satisfaction of pouring your entire mental capacity into a problem or a paper, and doing things correctly. i have nothing in my life that stimulates me, at least not in the way school did. i really miss the way i felt when i was actually good at school, when i could figure anything out. being pushed by chemistry, or calculus, or physics, or whatever i was doing. i really really miss that. i feel stupid these days. i want to feel smart again. i want something to tell me to do something so i can work and figure it out. and i want people to tell me i did a good job when i do it perfectly. i miss it. there is something lacking in my life, and i think it is mental stimulation. it is really wierd, because it is all i think about these days, and it scares the shit out of me. because, what if i go back to school, and just fuck up again? i am really not a fan of fucking up, and i'll tell you straight out that i fucked up with school. there is no one to blame but myself. i make excuses every damn day, but i just blew it. i know i can do it. i very rarely reach my full potential. even half my potential could get me anything i wanted in life. but i didn't even reach any of my potential in college. i just blew it. i fucked up big time, and it is eating me inside. i want to go back and prove to myself that i'm not just a fuck up, and that i can do it. but what if i go back, and i blow it again. it will prove that everything i believe about myself is a sham, and that i am really not good enough, and that i will never be good enough, and it is not really a matter of potential, because this is it. this is the extent of my potential. i know its not true, but how many chances will i get. i don't know, i just don't know. a part of me feels like i am more ready now to be in school than i ever have been in my life, but another part of me is smacking the first part of me for being so dillusional. can i find a way to strike a balance between the two sides? if i go to school, can i keep them both happy, the part that needs to succeed, and the part that needs to be lazy? there has to be a way to find a balance, otherwise i'm screwed in life. like, this is it, i'll be the same person i am today in 20 years, even though everyone else i know has grown beyond me. there has to be a way to keep the lazy ass part of me happy, while still keeping the smart side of me sharp enough to concentrate on school.
i am a fairly hypocritcal person. i condemn people for beliefs i think are stupid, but i refuse to put my own beliefs out in the open, with the fear that someone else might do the same to me. i talk a lot without thinking. i just assume i am right. i don't know why i do this. i guess it is because i don't know any better. i mean, i don't know anyone elses arguement straight off, so why wouldn't i believe the arguement my own mind has put forth? i tend to trust my minds judgement, at least on the thinking side of things. there are parts of the whole decision making process and social interaction process that i truely question, but with each poor judgement call or stupid moment, i feel i learn something. someday i'll have enough figured out where i can just talk without holding back, because i will believe in myself enough to let people attack my beliefs, and believe that i can defend them, or at least be able to modify them without losing sight of the original belief. because i know i can't do that now, but i live under the assumption that i will be able to, so i keep talking about things as if i were right. because to me, i am right. why would i think i was wrong? i mean, thinking other people are wrong is one thing, because you don't know the though process behind their idea. my mind created my ideas, why would i want to doubt such brilliance?
i don't know what i need, but i do know some form of structure would be really good for me. since i can't see myself in the military and i really have a hate affair with work right now, the only thing i can come up with is school, or a girl. a girl is an entirely different beast, one i don't think i could deal with. i'd be eaten alive. i mean, its not that i don't want a girlfriend, i'm dying for one. i just don't think i could handle it. i'm not ready. i'd put forth the effort and still manage to blow it. i'd go in with good intentions and come out looking like the king of all turds because i'm stupid and don't stop to think about what i'm doing. i'd drive her off, and drive all her friends off and be left with nothing again. eventually, it will be time to step up and start taking risks, but i'm not ready for it. i've found a nice little rut here. at first it was just a road i was going down, until i started wearing my little rut down. eventually it became a hassle, but i kept going until things all kind of smoothed out. now i'm perfecting it, i've got this nice marble tile thing going on, with plush carpeting for my trudging pleasure. who cares, living in a fancy rut is better than living in a run down failing relationship, at least at this point. eventually my rut will collapse in on itself, but it just keeps getting better. when i get sick of being single, i'll probably stop and do something about it (i hope). but until then, i don't see how i could function with a girlfriend. more importantly, i don't see how a girl could function with me, and i don't want ANOTHER person pissed at me. thats the last thing i need. i seem to piss people off well enough without even trying. who would have known, i always thought i was a fairly agreeable guy, but i'm really not. i'm rude and often blunt, with a short attention span. i forget common social curtesies because i'm lazy, and tend to annoy people. tip top!!!! but i have fun, and its a classic case of "once you get to know me, i'm really a great guy!" someday, someone is going to come to their senses and realize that i'm an ok guy to be around. hopefully i feel the same way about said person. chances are i will. i mean, it doesn't take much to win me over. i have high standard, but not that high. of course, this is all moot. the chances of another girl just falling into my lap are slim to none. i've used up all my freebies, i have to work for it from now on. i'm convinced of this. its kind of a daunting prospect. someday i'll snap out of it. it will probably be the same day i can call up pizza hut and order stuff without getting all freaked out about having to use the phone.
i swear, i have the wierdest phobias. they aren't even really phobias, because it isn't really about being afraid. i mean, it is and it isn't. i can't screw up everytime. actually, i can and will screw up everything, all the time. the thing is, it doesn't matter. people make mistakes. no one cares if you make a mistake but you. i make them every day. i make mistakes every time i try to do something, but they don't really matter. the big ones stand out, but they don't happen that often. if you live your life afraid of messing everything up you end up like me, unemployed sitting in a little crack house apartment jabbering to a freaking computer screen at strange hours of the morning, only to turn around and realize it is now light out and you've wasted another day. was it really wasted? did i do anything yesterday that is hurting me as a person? i don't think so. chalk it up to another learning experience.
i'm thirsty, so chew on that for a bit. i just sat down and typed about nothing for an hour straight. that felt really damn good
so, if i can't be outright creative and write something of substance, i'll reach into my brain and pull out whatever i can come up with. i did this once with fairly good results, and once with disasterous results. i thought it was kind of cool, just because it broke up the monotany of my usual rant. i'll call it a rant in the singular form, because it is usually the same arguement, just directed towards one aspect of life or another. the only rule, is that nothing can be premeditated (with the exception of the first thing of course, you have to get the ball rolling). i'll try to do it, just change subject whenever my mind changes subjects. who knows, its worth a shot, and at least its moderately creative by my own standards. so without further ado....
american idol is a great show this year. there are some very talented people, but a few just outshine everyone. i am convinced that clay is not human. he is some sort of elf or something. he has superhuman powers, and he's just kind of showing off. i feel a wierd connection too him, because i see the same sort of quiet arrogance in the way he looks and talks that i have all the time. except he is actually better than other people at singing, so his arrogance is justified. my arrogance is the creation of my own boredom. if i am bored with life, it must mean i am above this meager existance. who knows, maybe i am actually from clay's superior inhuman race, and i just haven't found that one thing i was genetically programmed to be perfect at.
perfection is kind of a tricky subject. it takes an unbelievable amount of skill at something to even flirt with perfection. the point where you are so in tune with your senses, that simply getting something done without screwing up isn't even part of the picture, and that you can take miniscule risks that flirt with disaster to push your overall skill that much closer to being perfect. its wierd, because there is no way to be perfect. you can do things perfectly, but 9 times out of 10, it will be completely by accident. you can push your skill level, until you can reproduce this fluke result, but it means taking risks. my current view of perfections comes from car racing, in particular the anime series Initial D and the video game Gran Turismo. see, i was always incredible at Gran Turismo. i spent so much time dinking around the first time i played it, just in awe with the game that i didn't know you could make your car better. so i had to find a way to beat the other cars, even though my car was slower than theirs. i didn't know that i was taking forever, because i had never played the game. but i spent a loooong time trying to beat these cars, figuring that this sort of thing was normal. i played with that one car so much, trying to make more money, that i was good enough to know exactly how my car would react in any situation, and i could manipulate this to get through the course faster. it was something i always understood, but i could never put into words. it was a need for perfection, because there is a perfect way through each course, where you maintain a maximum overall speed and take the most advantageous line, so there is no way anyone could do it faster. this is what i always looked for. i never really felt anyone else understood, even though everyone did. when i watched initial d, it felt like i was playing gran turismo again, like at the peak of my form, when i was so good i was trying to shave that extra hundredth of a second off to get a better lap time by going through a corner at the edge of control, yet still taking the best line physically possible. i feel like i am getting pretty good at the game again. i'm probably better than i ever was in the past, but no where near as good as i could be. it is frustrating, and why i don't play more. it is a big time commitment, even though time is the only thing i have tons of right now. maybe i'm not willing to commit the attention. why bother searching for perfection when i can watch takumi and experience it with him, without the frustration of never being able to do it in a video game.
time is going by waaaay too quickly. i mean, its almost the end of march? february is a blur. the entire time since my last day of work is a blur. it has felt like no time at all, but when i think about it, it feels like forever. it is glorious. i really really enjoy doing nothing. i could do this for the rest of my life. when you aren't doing anything, you don't care if your nothing gets recognized by other people. your happiness is your number one priority, and after a while you don't care about pleasing other people. sure its nice, but when you are home on your ass, there is no one else to please but yourself, and it is mighty fine. you always have weekends, when the rest of the world is ready to unwind. of course, you never had the chance to get wound up, so you slip into the whole mood very well. it is kind of fun, as long as you don't mind the boredom, because boredom because the overriding emotion. boredom is better than bitterness or blind rage.
of course, i have no mental stimulation these days, besides writing in this here journal. it is the only thing that keeps my mind working. i feel myself dulling, which is a little annoying. thats what is different about me these days. i'm almost longing for school. i think about school and look forward to lectures, and homework, and tests. i don't have to worry about work, or anything, and i really wish i was in school right now. it may sound perverted, but NOTHING can compare to the satisfaction of pouring your entire mental capacity into a problem or a paper, and doing things correctly. i have nothing in my life that stimulates me, at least not in the way school did. i really miss the way i felt when i was actually good at school, when i could figure anything out. being pushed by chemistry, or calculus, or physics, or whatever i was doing. i really really miss that. i feel stupid these days. i want to feel smart again. i want something to tell me to do something so i can work and figure it out. and i want people to tell me i did a good job when i do it perfectly. i miss it. there is something lacking in my life, and i think it is mental stimulation. it is really wierd, because it is all i think about these days, and it scares the shit out of me. because, what if i go back to school, and just fuck up again? i am really not a fan of fucking up, and i'll tell you straight out that i fucked up with school. there is no one to blame but myself. i make excuses every damn day, but i just blew it. i know i can do it. i very rarely reach my full potential. even half my potential could get me anything i wanted in life. but i didn't even reach any of my potential in college. i just blew it. i fucked up big time, and it is eating me inside. i want to go back and prove to myself that i'm not just a fuck up, and that i can do it. but what if i go back, and i blow it again. it will prove that everything i believe about myself is a sham, and that i am really not good enough, and that i will never be good enough, and it is not really a matter of potential, because this is it. this is the extent of my potential. i know its not true, but how many chances will i get. i don't know, i just don't know. a part of me feels like i am more ready now to be in school than i ever have been in my life, but another part of me is smacking the first part of me for being so dillusional. can i find a way to strike a balance between the two sides? if i go to school, can i keep them both happy, the part that needs to succeed, and the part that needs to be lazy? there has to be a way to find a balance, otherwise i'm screwed in life. like, this is it, i'll be the same person i am today in 20 years, even though everyone else i know has grown beyond me. there has to be a way to keep the lazy ass part of me happy, while still keeping the smart side of me sharp enough to concentrate on school.
i am a fairly hypocritcal person. i condemn people for beliefs i think are stupid, but i refuse to put my own beliefs out in the open, with the fear that someone else might do the same to me. i talk a lot without thinking. i just assume i am right. i don't know why i do this. i guess it is because i don't know any better. i mean, i don't know anyone elses arguement straight off, so why wouldn't i believe the arguement my own mind has put forth? i tend to trust my minds judgement, at least on the thinking side of things. there are parts of the whole decision making process and social interaction process that i truely question, but with each poor judgement call or stupid moment, i feel i learn something. someday i'll have enough figured out where i can just talk without holding back, because i will believe in myself enough to let people attack my beliefs, and believe that i can defend them, or at least be able to modify them without losing sight of the original belief. because i know i can't do that now, but i live under the assumption that i will be able to, so i keep talking about things as if i were right. because to me, i am right. why would i think i was wrong? i mean, thinking other people are wrong is one thing, because you don't know the though process behind their idea. my mind created my ideas, why would i want to doubt such brilliance?
i don't know what i need, but i do know some form of structure would be really good for me. since i can't see myself in the military and i really have a hate affair with work right now, the only thing i can come up with is school, or a girl. a girl is an entirely different beast, one i don't think i could deal with. i'd be eaten alive. i mean, its not that i don't want a girlfriend, i'm dying for one. i just don't think i could handle it. i'm not ready. i'd put forth the effort and still manage to blow it. i'd go in with good intentions and come out looking like the king of all turds because i'm stupid and don't stop to think about what i'm doing. i'd drive her off, and drive all her friends off and be left with nothing again. eventually, it will be time to step up and start taking risks, but i'm not ready for it. i've found a nice little rut here. at first it was just a road i was going down, until i started wearing my little rut down. eventually it became a hassle, but i kept going until things all kind of smoothed out. now i'm perfecting it, i've got this nice marble tile thing going on, with plush carpeting for my trudging pleasure. who cares, living in a fancy rut is better than living in a run down failing relationship, at least at this point. eventually my rut will collapse in on itself, but it just keeps getting better. when i get sick of being single, i'll probably stop and do something about it (i hope). but until then, i don't see how i could function with a girlfriend. more importantly, i don't see how a girl could function with me, and i don't want ANOTHER person pissed at me. thats the last thing i need. i seem to piss people off well enough without even trying. who would have known, i always thought i was a fairly agreeable guy, but i'm really not. i'm rude and often blunt, with a short attention span. i forget common social curtesies because i'm lazy, and tend to annoy people. tip top!!!! but i have fun, and its a classic case of "once you get to know me, i'm really a great guy!" someday, someone is going to come to their senses and realize that i'm an ok guy to be around. hopefully i feel the same way about said person. chances are i will. i mean, it doesn't take much to win me over. i have high standard, but not that high. of course, this is all moot. the chances of another girl just falling into my lap are slim to none. i've used up all my freebies, i have to work for it from now on. i'm convinced of this. its kind of a daunting prospect. someday i'll snap out of it. it will probably be the same day i can call up pizza hut and order stuff without getting all freaked out about having to use the phone.
i swear, i have the wierdest phobias. they aren't even really phobias, because it isn't really about being afraid. i mean, it is and it isn't. i can't screw up everytime. actually, i can and will screw up everything, all the time. the thing is, it doesn't matter. people make mistakes. no one cares if you make a mistake but you. i make them every day. i make mistakes every time i try to do something, but they don't really matter. the big ones stand out, but they don't happen that often. if you live your life afraid of messing everything up you end up like me, unemployed sitting in a little crack house apartment jabbering to a freaking computer screen at strange hours of the morning, only to turn around and realize it is now light out and you've wasted another day. was it really wasted? did i do anything yesterday that is hurting me as a person? i don't think so. chalk it up to another learning experience.
i'm thirsty, so chew on that for a bit. i just sat down and typed about nothing for an hour straight. that felt really damn good
Saturday, March 15, 2003
day 7:
saturday (it ends, finally!)
if last night was my last night to live, what a way to go. ooooooh man, jeebies my head hurtsbe back later, hahhaa
saturday (it ends, finally!)
if last night was my last night to live, what a way to go. ooooooh man, jeebies my head hurtsbe back later, hahhaa
Friday, March 14, 2003
day 6:
friday
day 6 is actually the same day as day 5. maybe if i make days 5-7 all run together, i'll trick the ring out of killing me. can i last 3 days? i've done that and more in the past. lets weigh some pros and cons. pro, i don't die. con, i don't get to sleep. pro i can sleep after i don't die. con, i don't get to sleep now. pro, i can't sleep now anyways. con, i won't be able to sleep later if i want too. pro, i don't have anything pressing that needs me coherent. con, my incoherency would be the product of lack of sleep and not something else. pro, its already day 6. con, its only day 6
friday
day 6 is actually the same day as day 5. maybe if i make days 5-7 all run together, i'll trick the ring out of killing me. can i last 3 days? i've done that and more in the past. lets weigh some pros and cons. pro, i don't die. con, i don't get to sleep. pro i can sleep after i don't die. con, i don't get to sleep now. pro, i can't sleep now anyways. con, i won't be able to sleep later if i want too. pro, i don't have anything pressing that needs me coherent. con, my incoherency would be the product of lack of sleep and not something else. pro, its already day 6. con, its only day 6
so, people are now hitting my site looking for sluts who sit and crush cans, anything related to 5 sluts at once, good friday on march 23, 1951, the ever popular suv's on dubs, and my personal favorite google string "now wank me, after you suck it you can thank me, frankly i want hanky panky if you're skanky"
i'm dead serious. someone searched for that on google and hit my site. thank god for trackers, what else would i do at 6 am on a friday
i'm dead serious. someone searched for that on google and hit my site. thank god for trackers, what else would i do at 6 am on a friday
Thursday, March 13, 2003
day 5:
thursday
so yeah, knowing that i only have 2 days to live hasn't really changed my life much, i must admit. i mean seriously, what would happen if i died right now? not that i'm looking forward to death or anything, but seriously. being dead will be a lot like being alive, only i'll never get out of bed to surf the internet :p
bah, anyways. i thought i'd look like more of a tool if i didn't at least finish this seven day posting thing, so here it is.... day 5, in all its glory
thursday
so yeah, knowing that i only have 2 days to live hasn't really changed my life much, i must admit. i mean seriously, what would happen if i died right now? not that i'm looking forward to death or anything, but seriously. being dead will be a lot like being alive, only i'll never get out of bed to surf the internet :p
bah, anyways. i thought i'd look like more of a tool if i didn't at least finish this seven day posting thing, so here it is.... day 5, in all its glory
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
day 4:
wednesday
i have a new dream. someday i want to be in a position of power, get overthrown, and then retake my throne and live out my days as a benevolent and happy rule. my people will love me, and help me with my counter-revolution. when i'm a king, i'll be able to fly. i wish i could fly.
also, i realized why i love victoria's secret so much. i have this little thing about flying. if there was a flying girl, i'd marry her no matter what she looked like. victoria's secret angels collection dresses up really really hot girls in wings. i bet they could fly if they wanted too. this makes the fantasy that much better. mmmm, flying lingere models.
-wanksinthe
wednesday
i have a new dream. someday i want to be in a position of power, get overthrown, and then retake my throne and live out my days as a benevolent and happy rule. my people will love me, and help me with my counter-revolution. when i'm a king, i'll be able to fly. i wish i could fly.
also, i realized why i love victoria's secret so much. i have this little thing about flying. if there was a flying girl, i'd marry her no matter what she looked like. victoria's secret angels collection dresses up really really hot girls in wings. i bet they could fly if they wanted too. this makes the fantasy that much better. mmmm, flying lingere models.
-wanksinthe
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
day 3:
tuesday
FREEDOM FRIES!!! i saw an article about the government renaming french fries to freedom fries. hahahhahahahahaa, the fench are funny. still not enough time (this is getting old, i saw that damn movie 3 days ago)
but yeah, the tried to take down that puma ad, so i put it back up. enjoy.
tuesday
FREEDOM FRIES!!! i saw an article about the government renaming french fries to freedom fries. hahahhahahahahaa, the fench are funny. still not enough time (this is getting old, i saw that damn movie 3 days ago)
but yeah, the tried to take down that puma ad, so i put it back up. enjoy.
Monday, March 10, 2003
so yeah, check out these puma ads. apparently they were in maxim magazine in brazil, and are going to run in europe or something. the puma dudes deny it. i don't care, they are funny. who cares if they are real!
see, to me, this is one of the most effective ads i've ever seen. it may be wrong, but it makes me want to buy some damn pumas, thats for sure.
see, to me, this is one of the most effective ads i've ever seen. it may be wrong, but it makes me want to buy some damn pumas, thats for sure.
haw, HAW!!!!! some sort of content!!!! wankthoughts on the page, for the first time in forever, hee hee!!
ack, ACK, WAH!! self righteous blog alert. must resist the temptationto follow suit. although, it would be a funny thing to read in about 6 months when hopefully i have a few things in order. funny thing about complaining though. the things i tend to complain about in other people are things i do myself. i always feel so guilty and stupid. if i could just stop bitching about things, i would probably be a much happier and well rounded person. but i'm not, so i'll continue bitching.
ryan was talking about conversations though, and i pretty much agree with him. i always end up getting sucked into these arguements because someone else cares more than me about something i said in passing, and it would be rude to brush them off once they get all riled up. the main reason i end up explaining things is because i want people to see where i'm coming from so they don't misquote me. i say a lot of stuff that can be taken out of context, and it always bites me in the ass, so i always have to explain myself. too many people take these explainations as some sort of declaration of a belief, and feel the need to go on and on about what they think on whatever side subject they've pulled out of it. conversation is such a wierd thing. i'm wondering if conversation itself is actually dying, or if its just me being jaded, because it seems every conversation i get into ends up the same way. 4 people yelling about 4 different things, not even listening to what the other people have to say. its talking for the sake of talking. no one is paying attention to anyone but themselves, and no actual information is exchanged. everyone is looking for that sympathetic ear that they can unload their mind on, and no one wants to let other people get a word in edgewise because that will steal from their valuable talking time. i'm getting terrible at this, because i've gotten to the point where i just can't listen to someone else's one sided little diatribe about whatever without zoning off and continuing my own conversation in my head. the problem is, i've gotten so used to doing it that my attention span for other people is almost zero. so i come off as hugely insincere to other people, especially other people i don't know, and rightly so, because i'm really not paying attention to them because i've fried that part of my brain on countless meaningless exchanges about the inadequacy of american society and how it has been amplified by GW, or listening to such and such explain how much they know about so and so. the latter is reaaaally dangerous for me, because when it comes down too it, i'm a really competetive person. i try to suppress these competetive urges, but they always fly out. the real problem is, i'm not one who can be bothered to do little things like, oh, find the facts about the subject or even knowing anything at all. so i just sit there and throw out the 3 little tidbits i know on the subject in hopes that they hold up against the 3 contradictory tidbits someone else has on the subject, when really neither of us know jack shit about anything, and we really have no right to be talking in the first place. we just sit there making more and more stuff up because neither of us want to admit that we might be full of shit, and in the process we both end up looking like asses.
i am what i hate, which is probably why i gravitate towards people who do things that really piss me off.
why do i need to tell other people what i know? why do i even think that they are going to care about what i like or what my problems are. and thus, we get to the subject of idle curiousity. the thing that draws me back to conversation like it draws me to so many things. conversation is a spectator sport for me. i mean, i can go on and on about how i don't pay attention, but that really only applies to certain scenarios. the scenarios that piss me off, which are obviously the scenarios i remember. because if i care about someone, or even recognize someone, i'll usually listen to what they are saying and try to understand what they mean. i consider myself an average conversationalist, because i can at least pluck the meaning out of what other people are saying and comment on it before launching into my own shpiel about whatever i wanted to talk about. you never know what other people are going to say if you let them keep talking. sometimes i'll just let people keep talking as a game to see when they'll stop. usually i get bored before they do and get distracted and wander off. conversations suck, but part of knowing people is being interested in what they have to say, so i really shouldn't bitch so much about it. listening is a lot easier than having to think of things to talk about, which i must admit is something i'm not so good at. i'm very comfortable in silence, but other people aren't. so their discomfort wears off on me, and all of the sudden i'm uncomfortable because their uncomfortable because i'm not talking at all, so i try to talk, and its just more uncomfortable because i don't know what i'm saying, or even really thinking at all.
but i am rambling. rambling is a healthy thing. i am a BIG fan of conversations that ramble. i love people i can carry on a conversation with pretty much indefinitely. see, this is a weird idea, because i've gone on and on about how i can't carry on a conversation with a topic. if a conversation doesn't have a topic, but it still keeps going, that is happiness for me. its a hard thing to do, because most people want to talk about certain things that are on their mind, instead of just talking about stuff. not me. i come into a conversation with a clean slate. if you go into a conversation with something to say, you'll just end up pissed in the end. i can keep up a conversation in my head, i don't need to talk to other people. well i do, but it is kind of a rare thing. so i don't dictate the direction of the conversation. if no one is dictating the direction of the conversation, and everyone else just kind of hops fluidly from topic to topic with whoever happens to be doing the hopping at the time, anything and everything can and will be said, and it is hilarious. i'm reminded of the Lords of the Universe conversation at work with Ryan, countless conversations stoned and not on the couch in my house here or the couch on airs porch. this is the kind of communication i like, where people are just kind of flowing with their thought process instead of rehashing the same stupid stuff they've already planned in their head, just waiting for some poor unsuspecting fool like me to wander by so they can start going off on whatever topic is their pet of the moment. thats not real, thats like debate in high school. i hated debating in high school.
ok, so right now i can't remember anything i've said in this whole thing. i remember debate, and i can look up and see i talked about rambling, but before that is a mystery. i've probably contradicted myself in every other sentance. it just goes to show, i don't have many set beliefs. my views on everything are constantly changing. i change views in mid explaination, when some other thought or little nugget of wisdom presents itself, and it is necessary to do a little tweaking. i don't think i believe in anything strongly enough to actually go through the time and trouble of defending it to other people. i'm much more comfortable not talking about things, but rambling about stuff.
the end
ryan was talking about conversations though, and i pretty much agree with him. i always end up getting sucked into these arguements because someone else cares more than me about something i said in passing, and it would be rude to brush them off once they get all riled up. the main reason i end up explaining things is because i want people to see where i'm coming from so they don't misquote me. i say a lot of stuff that can be taken out of context, and it always bites me in the ass, so i always have to explain myself. too many people take these explainations as some sort of declaration of a belief, and feel the need to go on and on about what they think on whatever side subject they've pulled out of it. conversation is such a wierd thing. i'm wondering if conversation itself is actually dying, or if its just me being jaded, because it seems every conversation i get into ends up the same way. 4 people yelling about 4 different things, not even listening to what the other people have to say. its talking for the sake of talking. no one is paying attention to anyone but themselves, and no actual information is exchanged. everyone is looking for that sympathetic ear that they can unload their mind on, and no one wants to let other people get a word in edgewise because that will steal from their valuable talking time. i'm getting terrible at this, because i've gotten to the point where i just can't listen to someone else's one sided little diatribe about whatever without zoning off and continuing my own conversation in my head. the problem is, i've gotten so used to doing it that my attention span for other people is almost zero. so i come off as hugely insincere to other people, especially other people i don't know, and rightly so, because i'm really not paying attention to them because i've fried that part of my brain on countless meaningless exchanges about the inadequacy of american society and how it has been amplified by GW, or listening to such and such explain how much they know about so and so. the latter is reaaaally dangerous for me, because when it comes down too it, i'm a really competetive person. i try to suppress these competetive urges, but they always fly out. the real problem is, i'm not one who can be bothered to do little things like, oh, find the facts about the subject or even knowing anything at all. so i just sit there and throw out the 3 little tidbits i know on the subject in hopes that they hold up against the 3 contradictory tidbits someone else has on the subject, when really neither of us know jack shit about anything, and we really have no right to be talking in the first place. we just sit there making more and more stuff up because neither of us want to admit that we might be full of shit, and in the process we both end up looking like asses.
i am what i hate, which is probably why i gravitate towards people who do things that really piss me off.
why do i need to tell other people what i know? why do i even think that they are going to care about what i like or what my problems are. and thus, we get to the subject of idle curiousity. the thing that draws me back to conversation like it draws me to so many things. conversation is a spectator sport for me. i mean, i can go on and on about how i don't pay attention, but that really only applies to certain scenarios. the scenarios that piss me off, which are obviously the scenarios i remember. because if i care about someone, or even recognize someone, i'll usually listen to what they are saying and try to understand what they mean. i consider myself an average conversationalist, because i can at least pluck the meaning out of what other people are saying and comment on it before launching into my own shpiel about whatever i wanted to talk about. you never know what other people are going to say if you let them keep talking. sometimes i'll just let people keep talking as a game to see when they'll stop. usually i get bored before they do and get distracted and wander off. conversations suck, but part of knowing people is being interested in what they have to say, so i really shouldn't bitch so much about it. listening is a lot easier than having to think of things to talk about, which i must admit is something i'm not so good at. i'm very comfortable in silence, but other people aren't. so their discomfort wears off on me, and all of the sudden i'm uncomfortable because their uncomfortable because i'm not talking at all, so i try to talk, and its just more uncomfortable because i don't know what i'm saying, or even really thinking at all.
but i am rambling. rambling is a healthy thing. i am a BIG fan of conversations that ramble. i love people i can carry on a conversation with pretty much indefinitely. see, this is a weird idea, because i've gone on and on about how i can't carry on a conversation with a topic. if a conversation doesn't have a topic, but it still keeps going, that is happiness for me. its a hard thing to do, because most people want to talk about certain things that are on their mind, instead of just talking about stuff. not me. i come into a conversation with a clean slate. if you go into a conversation with something to say, you'll just end up pissed in the end. i can keep up a conversation in my head, i don't need to talk to other people. well i do, but it is kind of a rare thing. so i don't dictate the direction of the conversation. if no one is dictating the direction of the conversation, and everyone else just kind of hops fluidly from topic to topic with whoever happens to be doing the hopping at the time, anything and everything can and will be said, and it is hilarious. i'm reminded of the Lords of the Universe conversation at work with Ryan, countless conversations stoned and not on the couch in my house here or the couch on airs porch. this is the kind of communication i like, where people are just kind of flowing with their thought process instead of rehashing the same stupid stuff they've already planned in their head, just waiting for some poor unsuspecting fool like me to wander by so they can start going off on whatever topic is their pet of the moment. thats not real, thats like debate in high school. i hated debating in high school.
ok, so right now i can't remember anything i've said in this whole thing. i remember debate, and i can look up and see i talked about rambling, but before that is a mystery. i've probably contradicted myself in every other sentance. it just goes to show, i don't have many set beliefs. my views on everything are constantly changing. i change views in mid explaination, when some other thought or little nugget of wisdom presents itself, and it is necessary to do a little tweaking. i don't think i believe in anything strongly enough to actually go through the time and trouble of defending it to other people. i'm much more comfortable not talking about things, but rambling about stuff.
the end
day two:
monday
i couldn't sleep. i didn't know what to do. it was light outside. the only thing i could think of to do was download porn from kazaa, and then not watch it. it was kind of rediculous, but this is how my morning went. i fell asleep about 8 or so, lol, it was all kind of funny. not enough time!!!!
in 5 days when i die, i want people to see that i wasted my time downloading porn, then not even watching it because i was too lazy. this is how i lived my final days.
in other news, sluts FINALLY passed wank as the search engine term that leads people to this page the most. its about damn time, i get so many visitors because i have sluts in my title, not because i'm wank. it was making me cocky.
i've been worrying about not having any content on my blog, but then i realized that i don't have any content in my life. i am content with my lack of content. i also crack myself up. i am also very bored. maybe i'll go watch that porn i downloaded last night. this is the gift that keeps on giving!
monday
i couldn't sleep. i didn't know what to do. it was light outside. the only thing i could think of to do was download porn from kazaa, and then not watch it. it was kind of rediculous, but this is how my morning went. i fell asleep about 8 or so, lol, it was all kind of funny. not enough time!!!!
in 5 days when i die, i want people to see that i wasted my time downloading porn, then not even watching it because i was too lazy. this is how i lived my final days.
in other news, sluts FINALLY passed wank as the search engine term that leads people to this page the most. its about damn time, i get so many visitors because i have sluts in my title, not because i'm wank. it was making me cocky.
i've been worrying about not having any content on my blog, but then i realized that i don't have any content in my life. i am content with my lack of content. i also crack myself up. i am also very bored. maybe i'll go watch that porn i downloaded last night. this is the gift that keeps on giving!
Sunday, March 09, 2003
day one:
sunday
so yeah, watched some good head fuck movies last night, one hour photo and the ring back to back. i was pretty shibbled, so they really drew me in. when we were done, it was like 1 in the morning and i thought i was 9 pm or so. it really threw me for a loop. yesterday just kind of didn't happen, and now i have a week to live. crap, not enough time.
but yeah, i've been having a lot of dreams lately. i've always taken dreams with a grain of salt. i mean, i used to die a lot and stuff in my dreams, so after a while i just stopped taking them seriously. now i love dreams, even when i die and stuff because i've realized that dreams are not real. its like watching a movie starring you, which i think is great. i'd make a great movie star in my own opinion. like any movie, sometimes good things happen to you and you end up getting the girl (well almost, you always wake up right when things start to get good) and sometimes shit happens, and then you wake up. i've never really took too much out of them, but sometimes i can use them to motivate myself. like i've been dreaming about how messy our place was and how girls would come over and be like this place sucks. so now i've been cleaning, just in case girls come over on a whim. if i have a clean place, who knows what kind of erotic adventures might happen. i'll never know, because my place was messy in my dream. anyways, i started a few days ago with a complete overhaul of my room and then the bathroom, now i'm about to lay into the kitchen. if no girls come over, i'm gonna be pissed.
at least when i die, i'll leave a clean house behind
ps: i'm not going to die, go watch the stupid movie
sunday
so yeah, watched some good head fuck movies last night, one hour photo and the ring back to back. i was pretty shibbled, so they really drew me in. when we were done, it was like 1 in the morning and i thought i was 9 pm or so. it really threw me for a loop. yesterday just kind of didn't happen, and now i have a week to live. crap, not enough time.
but yeah, i've been having a lot of dreams lately. i've always taken dreams with a grain of salt. i mean, i used to die a lot and stuff in my dreams, so after a while i just stopped taking them seriously. now i love dreams, even when i die and stuff because i've realized that dreams are not real. its like watching a movie starring you, which i think is great. i'd make a great movie star in my own opinion. like any movie, sometimes good things happen to you and you end up getting the girl (well almost, you always wake up right when things start to get good) and sometimes shit happens, and then you wake up. i've never really took too much out of them, but sometimes i can use them to motivate myself. like i've been dreaming about how messy our place was and how girls would come over and be like this place sucks. so now i've been cleaning, just in case girls come over on a whim. if i have a clean place, who knows what kind of erotic adventures might happen. i'll never know, because my place was messy in my dream. anyways, i started a few days ago with a complete overhaul of my room and then the bathroom, now i'm about to lay into the kitchen. if no girls come over, i'm gonna be pissed.
at least when i die, i'll leave a clean house behind
ps: i'm not going to die, go watch the stupid movie
Sunday, March 02, 2003
shibby
i'm watching this show on cancun, thats showing all the good stuff like girls and drinking. out of this unlikely show, i found a great nugget of wisdom. there is this guy who gathers sluts and throws them onto yachts for rich people. he seems like a great guy. rich people will go down and hire him to take care of the entertainment and take them to clubs and stuff. he's a slutherder. but anyways, he said "the richer you are, the less rules there are to break." i wish i was rich. like dreaming smallberries rich
i'm watching this show on cancun, thats showing all the good stuff like girls and drinking. out of this unlikely show, i found a great nugget of wisdom. there is this guy who gathers sluts and throws them onto yachts for rich people. he seems like a great guy. rich people will go down and hire him to take care of the entertainment and take them to clubs and stuff. he's a slutherder. but anyways, he said "the richer you are, the less rules there are to break." i wish i was rich. like dreaming smallberries rich
Saturday, March 01, 2003
neep neeping!
so yeah, how are all of you, pretty good? yeah.... no one is responding. funny the way that works.
i feel bad that i don't have any content on this bad boy. i used to have like an album of the day thing, but that got old pretty fast, like right after i ran out of albums to remember. i should add random links on the side to things.... things i like. blarg
i'm really grabbing at straws here. i mean, there has to be something for me to talk about. there just has to be. i've been browsing around on a lot of other people's blogs and stuff, like somewhat random people from links for manuels blog and such. a lot of people who blog are tools. the problem with this is, their blogs are just like my blog. some random tool spouting off on the world like they know everything. it pissed me off, because i knew when i was reading it that i come off the same way to most people. this made me rethink my audience for a bit. i'm not going to change the way i sit here and blog because some random internet knob searching for "underage ukranian sluts" and just happened to stumble across my page thinks i'm a tool for yelling about drugs or showers or tiny animate hamsters or whatever happens to be on my mind. i write this stuff for likeminded or at least wank-sympathetic people. most people aren't going to care, because it isn't that exciting. but to me it is. having a way to just vent or whatever it is i do is nice. and the fact that someone like ryan or whoever can wander in whenever they want searching for golden nuggets of truth is kind of fun also.
in conclusion, everyone else is a knob but me, haw haw!
except for a few people, i think you know who you are. if you aren't sure, ask me. i'll probably tell you that you are in fact a knob, but hey.
don't see Cradle 2 the Grave. i feel stupid for allowing myself to be dragged to that movie. i mean, exit wounds was BAD. like, i won't even watch it on digital cable anymore when i'm really freaking bored, and i've only sat through it once. i've sat through the wedding planner at least 4 times, thats how bad exit wounds was. this one was a little better, in that at least the really retarded parts were so retarded that it was funny. but yeah, i'm going to stop going to movies that i don't want to see. it just leaves me pissed. i could have gone a whole lifetime without seeing crap like Jurassic Park 3. but wait, i went to see it with my damn knob friends who seem to love the worst damn movies, tv shows, and commercials ever made. gah
so yeah, how are all of you, pretty good? yeah.... no one is responding. funny the way that works.
i feel bad that i don't have any content on this bad boy. i used to have like an album of the day thing, but that got old pretty fast, like right after i ran out of albums to remember. i should add random links on the side to things.... things i like. blarg
i'm really grabbing at straws here. i mean, there has to be something for me to talk about. there just has to be. i've been browsing around on a lot of other people's blogs and stuff, like somewhat random people from links for manuels blog and such. a lot of people who blog are tools. the problem with this is, their blogs are just like my blog. some random tool spouting off on the world like they know everything. it pissed me off, because i knew when i was reading it that i come off the same way to most people. this made me rethink my audience for a bit. i'm not going to change the way i sit here and blog because some random internet knob searching for "underage ukranian sluts" and just happened to stumble across my page thinks i'm a tool for yelling about drugs or showers or tiny animate hamsters or whatever happens to be on my mind. i write this stuff for likeminded or at least wank-sympathetic people. most people aren't going to care, because it isn't that exciting. but to me it is. having a way to just vent or whatever it is i do is nice. and the fact that someone like ryan or whoever can wander in whenever they want searching for golden nuggets of truth is kind of fun also.
in conclusion, everyone else is a knob but me, haw haw!
except for a few people, i think you know who you are. if you aren't sure, ask me. i'll probably tell you that you are in fact a knob, but hey.
don't see Cradle 2 the Grave. i feel stupid for allowing myself to be dragged to that movie. i mean, exit wounds was BAD. like, i won't even watch it on digital cable anymore when i'm really freaking bored, and i've only sat through it once. i've sat through the wedding planner at least 4 times, thats how bad exit wounds was. this one was a little better, in that at least the really retarded parts were so retarded that it was funny. but yeah, i'm going to stop going to movies that i don't want to see. it just leaves me pissed. i could have gone a whole lifetime without seeing crap like Jurassic Park 3. but wait, i went to see it with my damn knob friends who seem to love the worst damn movies, tv shows, and commercials ever made. gah
