so, i got thise new game in the mail today. it is the first game i've been really excited about in a while. it is so simple, it has to be good. its called katamari damacy or something like that, the intro is this crazy song that shows cows and rainbows and stuff while going KATAMARI DAMACY! i sat there with my mouth open for a minute, then started laughing. but yeah, story of the game. your dad is the king of all cosmos. he is this giant guy with fancy rainbow clothes and really tight pants that show off his package. you are his son, the prince, but you are like 2 inches tall.

so, it shows the king flying around, and he keeps running into all the stars and breaking them. then he comes to you and tells you he was drunk, and that the royal we broke the sky, and now everyone is mad. so, since he brought you into existance, you owe him, so his problem is now your problem. so, you have to take this big lump to earth and roll it around until it is big enough to put back into the sky as a star. only you have to fill the whole sky. and you are two inches tall. so you roll this lump around running into things, and if your lump is big enough it will stick to the outside and make a bigger lump. you've got to watch out though, because if you run over a pencil you'll have this big pencil sticking out and the lump gets hard to roll.

so thats all it is. roll around making your lump bigger. the king said to avoid living things, but that it wouldn't matter too much if you run them over and add them to the lump. i've only made a small lump so far, i haven't even made it out of the house, but apparently eventually you can rampage through town lumping everything, even people. there was this hilarious part of the tutorial where it shows you running over some dude over and over, and every time the dude would throw his hands into the air and scream. the whole game is like that, hilarious. the king is perhaps the best character in history.

frivved up by Ben at 9:56 PM

i just realized something. now that i have a new domain, no one knows how to get here. i can really say anything i want again. this is private, i don't have any audience to entertain, no one to impress. i can commit cardinal blogging sins like talking about my blog. you know what my favorite part about blogging is? when i started things out, i would never edit my posts. at the very beginning, i wouldn't even let myself go back and correct spelling or grammar. i grew out of that, so now there is a few minutes after i post every post where it is up in raw form. usually there are a few things i go back and tidy up because i don't want to give off the wrong impression. i always like to think that there is someone watching, who gets to read the blog in those few minutes and see what i really meant before i edit it, and then they reload later and paragraph shifts to the way everyone else sees it.

but yeah, what do i really want to say? i don't like people. i don't want to be around the people i know. if i had my choice, i would be alone all day. there isn't anyone i really trust enough to have a conversation. this can't be everyone elses fault. this is a clear-cut case of my fault. everything i would talk about seems so pointless. i've simplified too much? i can't talk if i'm not complaining? i'm really starting to believe that all of my conversation skills revolve around the negative. how did i let this happen? if i'm not blowing it, its hard to talk to other people because usually they are.

shit. realization time. my mind just had a rush of memories stretching back to when i first started school. i have always sabotaged myself just to look normal. i started getting bad grades when i started trying to get bad grades because i felt bad. i tried to get in trouble in second grade but my teacher wouldn't let me. i started getting things wrong on tests because people kept asking me what grade i got and i felt awkward saying 100. i started failing to fit in at a young young age, no wonder i can't break out of the habit. i screw things up on purpose just so i can have something to talk about with other people. i still do it. and if i don't screw up, i lie about it and say things are worse than they are so i can hold a conversation. this isn't a new thing at all, i've been doing it all my life. i am actually scared of success because it makes me different from everyone else. at the same time, i'm scared of being the same as everyone else because it will doom me to their failure. i can trace so much of my idiot self back to these two freaking concepts. these two totally misguided, self-perpetuating, conflicting ideas make no sense, but they've been central in my development. when did these two fracture and mutate? why am i constantly trying to fix myself? because i am constantly breaking myself on purpose so i can complain about it to other people. my successes make me the individual i want to be. i shouldn't hide them. i don't need to flaunt them, but purposefully keeping them out of sight and then lying about them is backwards thinking.

frivved up by Ben at 1:37 AM

what have i learned today?

i can't be idle. eventually, i will have to stand up and go get what i want. forward progress. learn from what has happened and move ahead instead of dwelling on what could have happened had things gone differently.

what now?

keep my eyes open, otherwise i'll miss it again. i have to be prepared for anything

frivved up by Ben at 10:58 PM

some days i just want to delete it all. take it all down and get rid of it and start fresh. as much as i hate it, this thing is the closest thing to a personal history i have. if i want to remember, this is what i've got. i can't delete it. it goes in and out of focus, but it still made sense to me at one point. it seems somehow important that i have something like this.

i need it because no matter what i say, i will remember exactly how i felt that day by how i was writing it. i need this because days like this deserve their spot. i'm glad i will be able to look back at when i wrote this and remember that i was waiting to say that for five sentances before i finally got to the point.

short and sweet, to the point. cheers to letting things happen, even if you are prone to wandering.

frivved up by Ben at 10:15 PM

just disregard it all. its all crazy. CRAZY. i'm not even making any sense. i don't even remember what i'm talking about. i'm going to bed

frivved up by Ben at 8:31 PM

i can't give in and believe that everything is as stupid as i think it is. i would have to kill myself, because i don't think i'll make it to 25. i don't think anyone will make it another year and a half in the wasteland of stupidity we get to slog through. there is a point where i have to start laughing instead of wondering why because there is no why in these people's lives. why is giving most people too much credit. my world is turning into a zoo. it is like watching that video of that monkey drinking his own pee. you have to wonder why, but obviously why never crossed this monkeys mind. i'm sure it was perfectly logical to him. all that peeing made him thirsty. two birds with one stone. he could be totally self sufficient. maybe the monkey is the genius and i am the stupid one.

i can't deal with it anymore. i can't take the stupidity. i try to put up iron bars so it can't reach me, but inevitably some gob of feces comes flying through and smacks me in the face. i've been a party to a lot of stupid things. i've seen some stupid shit happen, and thats not even counting what i've seen on tv. somehow, something else always comes along that reminds me that i can't even fathom how far the well of idiocy goes. there is so much potential for stupid that it has to be balanced by something. maybe the stupidity will be a good thing. maybe logic will finally be trampled enough that we will start having logic foci spring up around the world to rebalance things. this could get bloody, i better start stocking up on throwing stars and bombs and other weapons of mass destruction i can fit in my pants. they will never see it coming, and if they do i'll die happy because someone is digging around in my pants.

laughing it off and saying it doesn't bug me gets me through most days. curling up in the fetal position in some corner with my doors locked and all the lights off gets me through the rest. i'll type anything in this little box to try and keep myself sane for another few days. OH WAIT! i've worked for 12 days in a row, i don't get to stay sane. its amazing i can keep any forward momentum at this point

frivved up by Ben at 8:12 PM

in other news, i moved. i have a new place to live! we moved everything in/on my car a few weekends ago. the new place about 4 times as big. i have a hallway even. walking without running in to something is amazing. the other day i ran and threw myself over a couch just because i knew i wouldn't land on anything. i feel so much more relaxed in this place. i'm getting over time for the last two weeks, which will be a good thing in about a week and a half when i've successfully blocked the last week and a half where i've been working over time from my memory. i haven't had a day off, at all. we only have 2 drivers working total, and we both work every day. it is disgusting. but we just hired someone, so i get a day off on sunday. i even have plans already.

dave driscoll just owned the disgruntled snowmen to give the aerospace industry the lead on MXC.

other than that i'm just tired. i want a day off from work. we've been doing jigs when customers come to the counter as an excuse to not help them. somehow we keep getting people their food on time, so its hard to argue with our logic.

frivved up by Ben at 10:53 PM

now that i have broken my css trying to put comments in, blogger won't publish my fixyness. i am great! i am super!

frivved up by Ben at 2:58 PM

questions, questions that need answers. questions that need to be asked before the can be answered.

where am i going? what do i want to be when i get there? how do i get there?

standard nonsense that all leads to the same 'who am i?'

i am talented, but not extraordinary. my search for my own excellence has thus far has resulted in a long list of above average results. this is good, but misleading. i am adaptable, multi-talented, but in the end limited by myself. ultimately, i am only limited by my need for excellence. my demands upon myself to find that one thing that i truely excel at, and my inability to put forth the necessary effort to be the best. why? why do i saddle myself with this responsibility, and constantly undermine my own abilities. truth is, i won't always succeed. i can't always be the best. in fact, i can never be the best. there is no such thing as the best. by expecting perfection, i set myself up for failure every time.

but i don't fail. success happens when i work for it. i don't even have to work very hard because my mind works quickly. am i afraid of success because i will lose the struggle towards it? am i afraid of success because i can't admit to myself that it truely exists? do i really like complaining that much? maybe i do, but i hope not.

i am vain, but accomplishments mean nothing if you ignore what needs to be done in the present. i am hopeful for the future, but future success will never happen if i ignore the present. but ignoring the past and the future will leave me stuck in a single moment when time is endless. balance... finding the natural rhythm of ups and downs that will constantly propel me forward. i assume something wrong when things are going right because it feels like nothing is happening. my past history of worshipping lazyness suddenly makes perfect sense in a way i could never explain to myself. true justified lazyness is the result of consistant success. it is the result of a mental efficiency that has categorized, solved, and summarily dismissed any problem that springs up before it even does. a problem that already has a solution isn't even a problem. it doesn't require much attention, just acknowledgement as it passes. my mind requires activity, so i complain. i create problems so i can solve them. it is a waste of my time. i should not be wasting my time on fictional problems. i should be spending my time progressing forward. this is how i get where i am going.

i am fluid. i am water. my mind should adjust to whatever problem it is dealing with. there is no one thing i need to be. waves do not freeze when they crest, they flow back into themselves. the splash is impressive, but insignificant in comparison to the whole of the ocean. they are just a ripple, a side effect of the constant movement. a single moment of excellence is not something i can force. the more you try to force water to do what you want, the more energy you waste. the best results come from the simplest solutions. a simple nudge to redirect the flow of water can have a powerful impact. one time when i was maybe maybe 15, maybe younger, i went camping on a river. we had innertubes, and we spent most of our time floating around, using the current to race around. at first, we tried kicking to gain speed and get further downstream. of course, we tired ourselves out really fast. slowly, we found the easiest way down river by following the currents that were already there. we would kick slowly at certain points to guide us towards the parts we knew would take us effortlessly. but eventually, i got bored of this. it started with a bridge. i wanted to get from one side of the river to the other without having to paddle across. the current would always take to places i didn't want to go. the bridge worked, i could walk across, but i missed being in the flow of the water. then part of the bridge collapsed. the bridge was redirecting the water. a new current had been created. i spent the rest of the day modifying my bridge, and eventually my new current turned into one of the fastest sections of the entire journey downriver. there are simple solutions that require unnecessary amounts of effort. there are easy solutions that circumvent a portion of the problem, leaving the rest erode the solution-patch over time. real solutions are built with over time with efficient redirection of the forces behind the problem. who do i want to be? i want to be fluid. i want to be water. i want to be able to surrender myself to the flow of my life with confidence that i will be able to react to whatever is ahead of me.

what is ahead of me? i don't know yet. i can guess. i can prepare. i can convince myself that anything is true in the future. i have to be able to adapt. i can't cling to my stupid notions of myself. i have to be able to recognize my problems and react to them with confidence and without any assurance that they will be solved in a timely matter, if at all. there is no wasted effort. even an attempt at a solution that leaves me deeper in the problem is a learning experience that will ultimately leave me closer to a solution. every problem has a solution on an infinite timescale. i don't have an infinite timescale, but what will my problems in life mean when i am dead? nothing. it will be an entirely new set of circumstances, a new set of rules that will render my old problems obsolete. a new set of solutions that i am confident i will find. i am proof to myself that solutions do exist. i can see the progress i have made. i don't need to fear what i can't see, i just need to balance myself so whatever comes up will flow around me, or through me, or wherever it needs to. if anything, i should be excited about the unknown. a simple nudge is all i usually need to head myself in the right direction.

frivved up by Ben at 10:38 PM

this may be working again, or it may not be. in any case, it is in a different spot in a different world with WAAAAAAAAAAANKAHONTAS!!!!

frivved up by Ben at 9:53 PM