Monday, March 28, 2005
what have i learned today?
never, EVER try to use the stairs at the Columbia Tower in downtown seattle. the doors on every floor are locked. if you go in the stairwell, you have to go down to the 4th floor to get out. luckily, i was only on the 33rd floor when i did this. if i had been on the 76th floor, i would have been in real trouble. curse the helpful mailroom guy who told me i could use the stairs to run up one floor to deliever my package.
never, EVER try to use the stairs at the Columbia Tower in downtown seattle. the doors on every floor are locked. if you go in the stairwell, you have to go down to the 4th floor to get out. luckily, i was only on the 33rd floor when i did this. if i had been on the 76th floor, i would have been in real trouble. curse the helpful mailroom guy who told me i could use the stairs to run up one floor to deliever my package.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
life in stasis. my greatest moneymaking technique because it takes no effort. put yourself in a position where you are making more than you are spending, then put things on autopilot. with my new job hopefully i can regulate my work load a little more. at least until they start getting pissed off about my regular missed days. it won't come to that, i hope. my goal is to keep things on the edges of appropriate so it doesn't become an issue. if they do get mad? no biggie. i'll just buckle down and work everyday for a while. it isn't like they are going to fire me, i am an independent contractor.
pretty soon i will know the boundaries of what is appropriate. my real goal is to have a feel for what days i can miss, and what days i should work. Some days will be so slow that they are a waste of time. i would have to work 2 slow days to make as much money as i make in one good day. i can miss 2 slow days instead of one good day and be fine.
with that in mind, what have i learned today? Fridays are always busy at my new job. i could get away with it for a while because i am still new, but why push it? if a friday is guaranteed to be a good day, it is counterproductive to miss one. the real goal is to make myself valuable enough on the days where i am needed that my absence is overlooked occasionally when i am not needed. i just need to gain enough foresight to be able to strike a balance. i dream of the day when i am considered competant enough by everyone to be universally left to my own devices.
pretty soon i will know the boundaries of what is appropriate. my real goal is to have a feel for what days i can miss, and what days i should work. Some days will be so slow that they are a waste of time. i would have to work 2 slow days to make as much money as i make in one good day. i can miss 2 slow days instead of one good day and be fine.
with that in mind, what have i learned today? Fridays are always busy at my new job. i could get away with it for a while because i am still new, but why push it? if a friday is guaranteed to be a good day, it is counterproductive to miss one. the real goal is to make myself valuable enough on the days where i am needed that my absence is overlooked occasionally when i am not needed. i just need to gain enough foresight to be able to strike a balance. i dream of the day when i am considered competant enough by everyone to be universally left to my own devices.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
in an unforseen about face, it is st. patties day and i am cringing at the thought of drinking tonight. that will probably change after a few guinesses, but still i thought it was worth mentioning because it is so out of character. i'm even part irish. weed is green, does that count? and how am i going to get kisses from drunk irish lasses if i don't go out and drink? i REALLY don't want to have to go to a bar to drink. so why bother drinking?
the answer to that of course is drunk girls. it has been so long since anything has happened that i can't remember how great they are. i am turning into a booze/boobs scrooge, sitting at home alone stacking my porno mags and empty vodka bottles hating everyone else. without a positive ratio, i am nothing. i'll sit back and let everyone else score while i sit alone trying not to step on anyone's feet. it has always been this way. i am someone who does NOT believe in the saying "all is fair in love and war". i think people use this saying as an excuse to stab the people they love in the back for a cheap thrill. i am not going to compromise who i am for a chance at sex. i'd rather go 3 years without any that kick someone else in the balls. NO NO, I TAKE IT BACK!!! I'M SO LOOOOONELY. 3 years is such a long time, i just don't know what to do anymore. i didn't even have a clue in the first place. all the action i have ever gotten, straight down to the lowliest peck on the cheek, was a FLUKE.
at least i don't have to deliver pizzas to sororities anymore. oh, don't get me wrong, it was the greatest part of that job. i loved it more than anything. gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. but completely unobtainable. by enjoying it so much, i was just kidding myself even further. it has just become abundantly clear to me that i gave up a long time ago. 3 years is a long time, and apathy is the only excuse. i still give the same lame attempt at acting normal every time i see new girl, but that act is so old. i know i'm doomed from the start, playing out the same old scene out of habit. but what else do you do? you can noodle over all the theory you want, but it all flies out the window when you see someone you are attacted too. you heart pounds and your hands shake and your mind feels like it is going blank, and the easiest thing to do is avoid all eye-contact or conversation. you tell yourself "keep trying, keep trying, repetition is the key". well, i'll tell you this, repetition sucks. and its scary. the thought of getting turned down MORE is scary.
i just don't know what to do. so i act stupid, a transparent plea that says "i'm really normal, please believe me." it is pathetic, because i am not normal, and no one believes me when i say i am. the cool parts of me are the abnormal parts, the parts that someone potentially might like. but i can't control those parts. i don't even understand those parts. those are the parts i've spent my life hiding because they aren't fit for normal interaction with normal people. i can't drop the act. i want to but i can't because i don't know how. my entire notion of adult conversation revolves around forcing myself to talk in polite tones about things i know nothing about and have no interest in. it seems fake because it is. but that is who i put out for everyone to see. no matter how many times i say i know it is a problem, it still doesn't change the fact that i hate it when i act that way, but i don't know how to act anyway else. i have turned myself into a person who legitimately has nothing to say.
in my book, there was a quote that stuck out. it went something like "He does not respect or fear the things normal people do. this is the definition of madness." color me mad. i don't care about the things people idly chat about. i don't think anyone cares, but admitting it is what makes me crazy. the one normal thing that does fascinate me is sports, and i'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it by the time i get to them, or they are girls and they don't care in the first place. it is enough to make me believe i am crazy. you have to get to know a person's lies before you can actually get to know them. everyone is going around looking for that meaningful conversation that is impossible to find. it leads to HEARTBREAK! OH WHAT A WORLD. i need to find someone else who doesn't care. someone who doesn't mind talking about nothing, or something. and who can tell the difference in me, because i sure have trouble sometimes. i am hopeless, haha.
anyways, back to the topic of the day, st. patties day. how can i abandon one of my favorite holidays? why bother with holidays when i'm not even looking forward too them? do holidays mean anything, or are they just patches on the thin, shredded veneer of our social society? you can't avoid them, because that is where all the people are. but what if you are having a bad day on a holiday? does that mean you don't get a chance to be happy until the next one? DOWN WITH HOLIDAYS. i want to be happy every day. in case you didn't notice, sometimes i enjoy using all caps for dramatic effect. when i use all caps, i envision myself outside yelling at the sky at the top of my lungs.
the answer to that of course is drunk girls. it has been so long since anything has happened that i can't remember how great they are. i am turning into a booze/boobs scrooge, sitting at home alone stacking my porno mags and empty vodka bottles hating everyone else. without a positive ratio, i am nothing. i'll sit back and let everyone else score while i sit alone trying not to step on anyone's feet. it has always been this way. i am someone who does NOT believe in the saying "all is fair in love and war". i think people use this saying as an excuse to stab the people they love in the back for a cheap thrill. i am not going to compromise who i am for a chance at sex. i'd rather go 3 years without any that kick someone else in the balls. NO NO, I TAKE IT BACK!!! I'M SO LOOOOONELY. 3 years is such a long time, i just don't know what to do anymore. i didn't even have a clue in the first place. all the action i have ever gotten, straight down to the lowliest peck on the cheek, was a FLUKE.
at least i don't have to deliver pizzas to sororities anymore. oh, don't get me wrong, it was the greatest part of that job. i loved it more than anything. gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. but completely unobtainable. by enjoying it so much, i was just kidding myself even further. it has just become abundantly clear to me that i gave up a long time ago. 3 years is a long time, and apathy is the only excuse. i still give the same lame attempt at acting normal every time i see new girl, but that act is so old. i know i'm doomed from the start, playing out the same old scene out of habit. but what else do you do? you can noodle over all the theory you want, but it all flies out the window when you see someone you are attacted too. you heart pounds and your hands shake and your mind feels like it is going blank, and the easiest thing to do is avoid all eye-contact or conversation. you tell yourself "keep trying, keep trying, repetition is the key". well, i'll tell you this, repetition sucks. and its scary. the thought of getting turned down MORE is scary.
i just don't know what to do. so i act stupid, a transparent plea that says "i'm really normal, please believe me." it is pathetic, because i am not normal, and no one believes me when i say i am. the cool parts of me are the abnormal parts, the parts that someone potentially might like. but i can't control those parts. i don't even understand those parts. those are the parts i've spent my life hiding because they aren't fit for normal interaction with normal people. i can't drop the act. i want to but i can't because i don't know how. my entire notion of adult conversation revolves around forcing myself to talk in polite tones about things i know nothing about and have no interest in. it seems fake because it is. but that is who i put out for everyone to see. no matter how many times i say i know it is a problem, it still doesn't change the fact that i hate it when i act that way, but i don't know how to act anyway else. i have turned myself into a person who legitimately has nothing to say.
in my book, there was a quote that stuck out. it went something like "He does not respect or fear the things normal people do. this is the definition of madness." color me mad. i don't care about the things people idly chat about. i don't think anyone cares, but admitting it is what makes me crazy. the one normal thing that does fascinate me is sports, and i'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it by the time i get to them, or they are girls and they don't care in the first place. it is enough to make me believe i am crazy. you have to get to know a person's lies before you can actually get to know them. everyone is going around looking for that meaningful conversation that is impossible to find. it leads to HEARTBREAK! OH WHAT A WORLD. i need to find someone else who doesn't care. someone who doesn't mind talking about nothing, or something. and who can tell the difference in me, because i sure have trouble sometimes. i am hopeless, haha.
anyways, back to the topic of the day, st. patties day. how can i abandon one of my favorite holidays? why bother with holidays when i'm not even looking forward too them? do holidays mean anything, or are they just patches on the thin, shredded veneer of our social society? you can't avoid them, because that is where all the people are. but what if you are having a bad day on a holiday? does that mean you don't get a chance to be happy until the next one? DOWN WITH HOLIDAYS. i want to be happy every day. in case you didn't notice, sometimes i enjoy using all caps for dramatic effect. when i use all caps, i envision myself outside yelling at the sky at the top of my lungs.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
what have i learned today?
i do not take criticism well at all. sometimes it is so bad that i get defensive when people make neutral statements or try to compliment me because i think they are criticizing me. so i start arguing, mostly out of denial. this is not a good habit to have. this is not an honest thing to do. it is a relic of a past self that was built on lies. so yeah, sorry about that.
i do not take criticism well at all. sometimes it is so bad that i get defensive when people make neutral statements or try to compliment me because i think they are criticizing me. so i start arguing, mostly out of denial. this is not a good habit to have. this is not an honest thing to do. it is a relic of a past self that was built on lies. so yeah, sorry about that.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
10 days or so into my new job, i'm finally starting to settle down. i've allowed myself certain liberties in my daily routine, occasional reemergences of bad habits, and slacking off in my excercise and meditation schedules. it annoys me that i did this, but it happened. the bad is far outweighed by the good, working hard at my new job.
on the topic of my new job, i love being borderline self-employed. i don't want to work for anyone else ever again. one of my main goals in life has been to own and operate my own business some day. to be in charge of my own successes and failures. I have thought about ://friv/records, Greenwood Greens weed store, and the global ://friv corporate empire enough to know that the first step is small. i thought it was going to be one shop, but it turns out the answer was even smaller. in college, i thought i might be able to do it by the time i was 50, finally take over some business in whatever field i chose. after college i always thought i would be able to save enough money to do it sometime in my mid 30's, but i always thought it would be some little store like championship vinyl in high fidelity. it is funny that it wasn't until after college that my dreams started to slowly blossom into something feasible, which was exciting. it got me through years of starflower, and kept me working to exhaustion delivering pizzas.
now, i am a business owner of sorts. it is hard to call it a real business, but it is. in a few weeks time, i'll have a business liscense from king county and the city of seattle. i provide one service (delivering documents) to one company, but i am still a business. to me, it is a brilliant business. all of the expenses my business has are expenses i was already taking care of as a person. all i am really doing is calling myself a business because it makes it easier on the company and myself come tax time. we both save money, and i get to live out one of my dreams.
i already have a business liscense. someday when i want to do something real, i'll have that step taken care of already. until then, i can drive. or not. it is really all up to me now. it is kind of sick, but one of the things i'm looking forward too the most is figuring out how to expand my spreadsheets to reflect myself as a personal entity and a corporate entity at the same time. it is going to be great, because you know i'm going to be leaving plenty of room for expansion. doing anything i can to avoid hindering myself. trying to predict the future.
right now i am in an expected state of flux. starting a new job is a huge thing. it requires fundamental changes to your physical and mental routines. so, i figure it is ok that i am a little out of sorts. it is not like i had it together in the first place.
this point is as far as i had seriously planned ahead. the things i see in my future are the fun things, the things i have always dreamed about doing with my life. suddenly, things are shaping up in a way that makes those dreams a realistic possibility. things have fallen into place exactly how i envisioned them, with a few extra side bonuses, proving to myself that i was headed in the right direction all along.
what did i do? watched, planned, and observed. it wasn't effort, it wasn't struggle. it was timing. following the string of events i saw ahead of time, from the downfall of roundtable to me quitting to me taking 2 months off to me getting hired to where we are now, which is successful and happy at my new job, like i always knew i would be. but things had to go in that order. i knew it, and matt knew it. he mentioned me twice, i called twice, and then one day, my 24th birthday, i started my new job. it required 2 minutes on the phone, 2 hours of training, and that was it. now i'm doing something i know how to do, and i do well, without anyone else to get in my way. i can just focus on doing my job the right way, without having to worry about everything my coworkers and my bosses are doing wrong around me. i don't have any coworkers. i'm the boss. i've simplified the equation down, stripped it of all its useless and unnecessary variables. now, i can continue on with my life, knowing that i have a neat and tidy answer to guide me towards success.
it seems to follow the path of my mind perfectly. it couldn't have happened anyother way, because i wouldn't have let it. anything else would have been a step backwards. this is just a reaffrimation of myself. all i can do is follow the path i see before me.
on the topic of my new job, i love being borderline self-employed. i don't want to work for anyone else ever again. one of my main goals in life has been to own and operate my own business some day. to be in charge of my own successes and failures. I have thought about ://friv/records, Greenwood Greens weed store, and the global ://friv corporate empire enough to know that the first step is small. i thought it was going to be one shop, but it turns out the answer was even smaller. in college, i thought i might be able to do it by the time i was 50, finally take over some business in whatever field i chose. after college i always thought i would be able to save enough money to do it sometime in my mid 30's, but i always thought it would be some little store like championship vinyl in high fidelity. it is funny that it wasn't until after college that my dreams started to slowly blossom into something feasible, which was exciting. it got me through years of starflower, and kept me working to exhaustion delivering pizzas.
now, i am a business owner of sorts. it is hard to call it a real business, but it is. in a few weeks time, i'll have a business liscense from king county and the city of seattle. i provide one service (delivering documents) to one company, but i am still a business. to me, it is a brilliant business. all of the expenses my business has are expenses i was already taking care of as a person. all i am really doing is calling myself a business because it makes it easier on the company and myself come tax time. we both save money, and i get to live out one of my dreams.
i already have a business liscense. someday when i want to do something real, i'll have that step taken care of already. until then, i can drive. or not. it is really all up to me now. it is kind of sick, but one of the things i'm looking forward too the most is figuring out how to expand my spreadsheets to reflect myself as a personal entity and a corporate entity at the same time. it is going to be great, because you know i'm going to be leaving plenty of room for expansion. doing anything i can to avoid hindering myself. trying to predict the future.
right now i am in an expected state of flux. starting a new job is a huge thing. it requires fundamental changes to your physical and mental routines. so, i figure it is ok that i am a little out of sorts. it is not like i had it together in the first place.
this point is as far as i had seriously planned ahead. the things i see in my future are the fun things, the things i have always dreamed about doing with my life. suddenly, things are shaping up in a way that makes those dreams a realistic possibility. things have fallen into place exactly how i envisioned them, with a few extra side bonuses, proving to myself that i was headed in the right direction all along.
what did i do? watched, planned, and observed. it wasn't effort, it wasn't struggle. it was timing. following the string of events i saw ahead of time, from the downfall of roundtable to me quitting to me taking 2 months off to me getting hired to where we are now, which is successful and happy at my new job, like i always knew i would be. but things had to go in that order. i knew it, and matt knew it. he mentioned me twice, i called twice, and then one day, my 24th birthday, i started my new job. it required 2 minutes on the phone, 2 hours of training, and that was it. now i'm doing something i know how to do, and i do well, without anyone else to get in my way. i can just focus on doing my job the right way, without having to worry about everything my coworkers and my bosses are doing wrong around me. i don't have any coworkers. i'm the boss. i've simplified the equation down, stripped it of all its useless and unnecessary variables. now, i can continue on with my life, knowing that i have a neat and tidy answer to guide me towards success.
it seems to follow the path of my mind perfectly. it couldn't have happened anyother way, because i wouldn't have let it. anything else would have been a step backwards. this is just a reaffrimation of myself. all i can do is follow the path i see before me.
