saying one thing and doing another

i use the possibility i might not be able to do something as an excuse to not do something. but i act like i can do anything. so much contradiction, i can't even begin to disentangle it. there are just too many words. none of those words serve any purpose when applied to my character, they are just weight. they are gone. i can't do any of that anymore. i am just approaching it backwards. it should start with do anything, until the words i can do anything become the truth, then the rest of it is just unnecessary. drop the weight, or learn to bear it.

is the weight worth bearing? is any weight worth bearing? is a weightless environment worth the atrophy? is it possible to be able to bear any weight, as long as you have the ability to drop any weight that isn't worth bearing? because that is the problem with those two sentances, the weight at the end. blah blah blah, meaningless stupid shit i do to myself that causes problems, because i act like i can do anything. that wouldn't be a problem, if it were true, but it isn't true because i don't actually do anything.

so if i want to keep that projection of myself, i actually have to do those things.

drop the weight, or learn to bear it. there is plenty of weight that is worth bearing, and it better than atrophy. so do it.

frivved up by Ben at 11:22 AM

egood emorning eworld.

this week is done. this week consisted mostly of short days that almost killed me, but they are over now. i am all rested and relaxed now that i know i don't have to worry about this paycheck route i have been doing, and i wouldn't have been rested or relaxed right now if i hadn't cut out at 2 every day i could. my paycheck isn't worried, so i am just soaking up the joy of a new weekend. then it is back to normal again. i am sure downtown seattle missed me :)

the mariners ate another $4M last night, when they released scott spiezio. about freaking time too. he did get a hit in his last at bat, raising his average from .044 to .064. way to suck. tonight, however, we actually get to see something exciting. felix is pitching, and it is on local television so i finally get to watch him. that will have to be my sports fix for the next few days, because the seahawks game is blacked out. i hate this rolling blackout shit. do they really thing blacking out the game in a 75 mile radius around the stadium because they didn't sell out a PRESEASON game is really helping anyone? if anything, i refuse to buy seahawks tickets just because they pull this shit. oh well, that is how money works. the more you have, the crazier you get about making more. maybe that is why i am only moderately crazy instead of balls-out insane. oh well, my rolling boycott continues. next saturday they play at kansas city, so i can watch that game at least.

please sirs, gouge me some more! if only i could do a rolling boycott on gas stations. when there is a moon colony, i'm so there. imagine the crazy plants you could grow in 1/6th gravity.

oh yeah, the game is on channel 11 at 4:35

frivved up by Ben at 10:07 AM

letters to tripat, printed vol. #1 :

the thought of being mundane, and moreso the thought of me thinking mundane thoughts gets to me as well, but like you said, what do you do about it? we are trained from age 4 to be robots. if you don't want to be a robot, you don't even get an opinion, you are suddenly outside everything. that is what i think is truely mundane, the thought of living like my mom and dad. if i'm going to mundane, i might as well be mundane for myself so i am mundane and happy instead of mundane and perpetually frustrated.

damn the generation gap. that is one nice thing about feeling mundane. as time passes, our thoughts become more and more prevalent as our generation gets closer to being the dominant power. we know there are better ways to do things, or at least different ways that are potentially less destructive, but we don't have the social currency to put our theories into action. someday we will be in charge though. our generation, our people will slowly start accumulating power, until we are the business owners. we will have the power to make our ideas relevant. we don't now, but we are on the cusp, which makes it all the more frustrating. to me, that is the other side. some day, when i have a store of my own somewhere that i can run as i see fit. everything i do now is research for then. all the bullshit i see will help me someday. but our generation isn't there yet. we are ascending, but we have 50 quadrillion babyboomers to deal with in the meantime. i'll let them keep fucking things up. their mess won't hinder me because i plan on starting from scratch anyways.

there will be a time in the future when people like us need to step forward and take our place in society, and be in a position to change society around us through our actions. i don't believe there is room for me in society now, but there will be, i am certain of that. my qualms with the world around me stem from the current powers, not the powers that will be. if i am going to be relegated to the edges of society anyways, i will take my role seriously. i am circling like a shark right now, gathering a school of ideas behind me. it is frustrating, because i feel like there is so much i should be doing now that would be helpful to someone, or everyone, but i don't have the respect that is necessary. you can't help if your efforts are refused. so fuck it, i'll be mundane. it isn't wasting my time, i've got my most formidable years ahead of me. it is the generations ahead of us that are wasting their time, and their time is running out. time is my ally right now, because the longer i have to wait, the better my situation will be when my opportunity comes.

that is me in a nutshell. cynical with hope. not hope for now, but hope for when now is dead and i am still alive. or maybe i should say hope for when now is finally asleep, and i am finally awake. it just takes time to get from now to the future.

frivved up by Ben at 3:18 PM

intelligence and emotion are always vying for power. so what. it isn't like you can avoid either one of them. they will always be at odds, and you can never put either of them aside, so why worry. neither of them can ever claim they are being ignored anyways, so it is stupid to worry about some sort of balance anyways. it will always be there, balanced in its own way. trying to control it, to impose some balance just wastes attention. it just turns it into a battle. self-fulfilling prophecy. we can't just pick and choose the parts of ourselves we want to have. ideally, there isn't any need for minimization

frivved up by Ben at 9:49 PM

i keep myself from being active. the perception i have of my life doesn't have time for interests and pursuits. it has time for work and sleep, and i shut down anything i might want to do that doesn't involve work or sleep before it happens so i don't get disappointed when i don't have time to do it. i am sure i have the time, just not as much time as i would like, so i spend my time idle in protest of the unavoidable things that take up my time. i miss college. actually, i should say i miss missing college. the huge stretches where thoughts of going to class never even entered my mind. i slept until i woke up, and then lounged until i fell asleep again. i miss that, or at least the possibility of that.

my goal in life is to have something similar to that again. i don't want to have to work for anyone ever again. i am skating by on a technicality now, which is part of why i am uneasy. i am at that point in every job, about 6 months in, where you realize what the job entails, and you envision yourself doing this job for the rest of your life, and that thought doubles you over in pain and makes you want to hurl your guts out and then fall asleep for about a year. the preconceptions you had before you were hired are stripped away, and you see your job for what it is, another god damn job you will never be able to avoid. the same as every job you have ever had. it is enough to make me sick. it doesn't matter if my current job is the best job i have ever had, it is still worse than anything i would choose to do with that time.

all i want to do is scream and bitch and moan about my plight, but it isn't constructive, which is even more frustrating. you can't expect anyone to sympathize, because everyone else is in the exact same crappy position as you are.

i have thought about joining the military, or a monastery, or any life that doesn't revolve around money. something different than the endless quest for more that never comes into fruition. there is never enough money to get ahead. someone like me who just wants enough money to end the stupid cycle for good will never have enough money to make it happen. so i am trapped. my time has been taken by someone else. half of my day claimed by some bastard who thinks he is entitled to it.

i don't want to do this anymore. it doesn't feel right. i feel dirty and abandoned. when i am at work, i feel subhuman, surrounded other animals.

i wish people didn't have to see me like this, frustrated and ranting like this. it has been like this so many times before. this mindset is a stain on my otherwise happy life. i have written this rant too many times, and it never amounts to anything but more frustration

frivved up by Ben at 9:00 AM

what is important in my world right now?

the same dumb issues seem to keep cropping up in my head, driving my angst. i have trouble seperating myself from things that are happening around me. i see things in the news, and i take personal offense to them. i am uptight, on edge. my whole body has been filled with nervous energy. i just can't relax, can't focus. all i want to do is lay down and let the world wash away and think about something that actually has some sort of relevance to me, but i can't. i can't be alone, there is just too much going on. i feel lost, adrift. i feel like i have been pulled away, and i am not sure when or how it happened, or even where i am because it is still pulling me away. whenever i try to stop and figure things out, something else swirls me away.

i feel like i am tied to something, something i don't understand. something that is happening, but i don't know what it is and it is carrying me away. my mind can't begin to keep up, so i am on edge, waiting for this something to happen. on perpetual alert without knowing why, or what i am waiting for. all i want to do is rest. i just want to be alone, but i can't figure out how. there so much that thinks it needs my immediate attention, but it doesn't. i can't figure out what else to do but to fight against it, to deny it and try to hold myself together.

frivved up by Ben at 9:12 PM

sometimes i think of leaving everything. selling my car and buying a plane ticket to new zealand or wherever. but that is an option i hold in reserve for when i am in real trouble. things will happen. life changes, happyness comes and goes. feelings are fleeting. if there is nothing for me to leave, it would be a waste of effort. without a reason, it would just be a change of venue.

what i have now is nothing. what i am is something. if i left for somewhere else, i would just be taking that something with me, escaping nothing. that is the only reason to bolt, to escape something, to escape myself. but there is no escaping, no reason to escape. nothing i can escape.

all i need to do to hide is close my eyes. external happenings are fleeting. even memories fade until they are needed. living only in memory is a painful thing. it turns you into nothing. you live as a ghost of who you were, becoming only the fleeting pieces of the self you can only remember, and the person you are, or the person you should be fades away, and is lost. then you have to start over, to reclaim your future. eventually, you have to throw away everything that has happened in the past, and create your center in the present, or there is nothing your future can derive itself from.

then, there is nothing else to do but wait. even the future is fleeting. you can watch it whirl around you, but if you try to hold it it will spin out of your grasp. eventually it will dissolve, and at the center of nothing you will fade away. if you already have nothing at your center, you have nothing to fear. you may as well just fade away.

what happens of your center when it is no longer bound inside of your future? what happens at the center of nothing? there is no escaping the answer, it will find us eventually.

despite nothing and everything, despite the answer we can't escape, at the center there is room for nothing else but you, the truth. accept it, accept yourself, or throw everything you are into the emptyness. truth is constant, unwavering. it is absolute, a = a, what is, is. i am. only the truth can exist. everything else is fleeting, dissolving like a wisp of smoke, reclaimed by the emptyness it was created from.

at the center there is truth. the truth of yourself, and the truth of everything. go against it, and everything will turn against you, and you will become nothing

frivved up by Ben at 9:59 PM

when honor falls out of fashion, the world falls into darkness

frivved up by Ben at 10:34 AM