Thursday, September 22, 2005
i did work on that website after my last post. i made some progress, and the multiblog approach is really picking up momentum. i think it will work, and make things easier, especially on the photo gallery side of things. i can set it up so each picture has its own little post that can include a caption. i'll just get rid of the date stuff, so it looks like a page full of pictures. that way, i don't have to play around with code in a giant file everytime i want to add a picture, or try figure out how to set up a database. we can just add a post. by we i mean him. it will make things much easier having one picture per line instead of the two i was going to do before. i was going to take uniformly sized selections from each picture so everything would look tidy, but now i don't have to worry so much, because everything will have its own post anyways, so there won't be horizontal spacing issues.
i also think i have the main layout for the block of text at the top of each page finished. i added a bunch of oldschool
's to spread things out a little, with a new school twist that will be awesome with my multiple stylesheet format. each new sheet has different hr definitions, so i can leave the same tags in when i copy the templates over to the other pages, which is nice since i now have 27 more to do. the more copying and pasting the better. so what do i need to do now to have a semi-completed project?
-set up the other blogs.
-write the block of text at the top of each page (with help from the business owner, hopefully)
-set up and code the template for the gallery blogs
-select, resize and rename images for galleries
-post and caption images for galleries
-add
functionality to stylesheets 3-7
-add google ads to the main page (or enable adsense on each individual blog)
-code some meta tags for the head section
-FUCKING POPUPS
i am sure there is more than that, but if i finish those things by the end of the weekend, i will be in really good shape.
i am still unenthusiastic about how it is going to turn out, but it isn't my website so i shouldn't worry so much.
i also think i have the main layout for the block of text at the top of each page finished. i added a bunch of oldschool
's to spread things out a little, with a new school twist that will be awesome with my multiple stylesheet format. each new sheet has different hr definitions, so i can leave the same tags in when i copy the templates over to the other pages, which is nice since i now have 27 more to do. the more copying and pasting the better. so what do i need to do now to have a semi-completed project?
-set up the other blogs.
-write the block of text at the top of each page (with help from the business owner, hopefully)
-set up and code the template for the gallery blogs
-select, resize and rename images for galleries
-post and caption images for galleries
-add
functionality to stylesheets 3-7
-add google ads to the main page (or enable adsense on each individual blog)
-code some meta tags for the head section
-FUCKING POPUPS
i am sure there is more than that, but if i finish those things by the end of the weekend, i will be in really good shape.
i am still unenthusiastic about how it is going to turn out, but it isn't my website so i shouldn't worry so much.
my head is swirling lately. i am smack dab in the middle of a crossroads, and the road in every direction looks dark. i don't know what there is in any direction. for all i know, i am in the middle of the dark woods at the center of heaven, and 50 yards of walking in any direction will lead me to paradise. but from where i stand, things look dark.
i have chance to do something i have been dreaming of, and it scares me. i have been designing this webpage for a friend. actually, i should say i have been avoiding working on a website i am designing for a friend. i am not avoiding it for a particular reason, besides some lame residual excuses about having to work with someone else's shifting ideas. this webpage started off with simple intentions. we both agreed on that at the very beginning. simple was the main idea. of course, as soon as i started, simple was thrown out the window, along with half of my code that was now rendered unusable. this website has grown into a monster, exactly the kind of website that haunts my dreams, and has made me avoid web design for anything other than personal reasons. i am angry, mostly at myself for agreeing to work on it because i knew that this was going to happen before i started, but i agreed to it anyways. i am angry because when the website gets finished, it won't be what the person wants it to be, it won't be what i want it to be, and because i am the one who made it, i am now on the hook for whatever crazy ass anti-simple additions need to be made.
the website i had in mind when i started was great. it was simple, and elegant, and uncluttered. it was meant to be a vehicle for this person's business, a tool. when we began, we were completely on the same page, what i wanted was exactly what he wanted. but now this person has unrealistic expectations. he wants the website to become his business. he wants to be able to charge people over the internet for all of his consulting fees and stuff for his design work, like hundreds, thousands of dollars here. he wants to set up a shop to sell products he doesn't even have yet. he wants to be able to put this website in place as a replacement for himself, so he won't have to deal with people as much. they can deal with the website. all the information for anything anyone needs will be there, along with the tools they need to pay him for his interior design. that is the crazy thing, it isn't like he is selling a product we can set up a storefront for. sure, he has some things he wants to sell, prints of his canvases and tshirts and stuff, but they are an afterthought to his real business. does he expect the website to go to these people's houses and see what they want and need? how does a website answer specific questions about someone's completely individual space? his business seems successful because it is so fluid and changing. no project he does is the same. he is good at what he does because he can see what people need, and find a way to give it to them. a website isn't fluid. it is text and pictures in boxes on a screen. if you are lucky, there is an email address for a real person in case you need something. if there isn't a person to drive the business, what will happen? nothing.
i don't know how to do the things he wants me to do, in terms of code or design philosophy. even if i did, i wouldn't do some of them because they would basically place all of the administration of his business on my shoulders as the defacto webmaster. there isn't enough money in the world to make me do that. the smartest thing i did was to not accept money for doing this website. it allows me to scale the website back a little, back towards our original intentions. intentions that have been trampled underneath. intentions that would have led to a great website. instead the new intentions will now lead to a giant clusterfuck that will scare people away as soon as they open it. i am sure there will be tons of information somewhere. or there won't be. it could turn into page upon page of empty professional banter created by me because this person had no idea what they really wanted in the first place. could you fill 28 pages worth of content? neither can i. but right now, that is where we are: 28 internal pages linked from the front page. why? i don't know. but i do know that they are all supposed to be in popup menus that i have no idea how to make. but apparently this is how it needs to be.
here is my solution. no popup menus, all 28 pages in blog form with a simple block of text at the top. that is all these pages would have been anyways, simple blocks of text. a sentance, maybe two. information spread way too thin. but if it is a blog, then they have the illusion of substance. and most importantly, i can do it and then hand control over to him. say "here you go, here is the blogger account with 28 individual blogs for you to fill, have fun and call me if the code breaks down." it will give everything a more fluid atmosphere, and will make expansion easier.
it would be easy to finish these tasks, to set these pages up. it would be more or less what he wants, and it would suck. it would be crap, and he would know it, and he would come back at me with a whole new list of crap like the last 3 times we have talked about it, and i would have to start over, again. this is why i will never design a website for anyone else again. simple or not. free or professionally. friend or no. it isn't worth it. so i've been avoiding it. it is bad. i haven't been working on it at all. the more work i do, the more work will be created for me. i never, NEVER should have agreed to make a website for someone else's business because it is a never-ending process. stupid, fucking STUPID.
but anyways, back to the main topic. the guy has come to me about writing a book. in particular, me writing a book and him doing some canvas paintings based on the book. something i've dreamt of doing, writing a novel, with this guy to help me. yet here i am, already avoiding the other project we are working on together and preparing to have it result in a shoddy product.
i know what i need to do. i need to finish this website so it doesn't become a wedge between us, a freaking sinking ship that takes this story about dragons that i am falling in love with down with it. this isn't just a story. this is the story that has tied both of my other major writing projects together into one project, one giant beautiful arc. but do i want to work with him? do i trust someone else to contribute to my ideas positively, without the contributions becoming concessions i don't believe in added out of guilt? because that is what i am afraid of. starting this project, and have it veer completely offcourse very quickly again, until i am tied into doing something i don't believe in for the sake of someone else, even if it is someone i generally trust and admire.
so what am i doing? i am self destructing. i am a wreck. i've been leaving work early and coming home to do nothing but lie in bed, or at my computer, or wander around the house, anything to avoid this website, even though finishing the website could possibly solve all my problems. problems that aren't even fucking problems yet! problems i am creating in my head because i am scared. scared that i will fail and disappoint everyone. well you know what, that is exactly what i am doing right now. i am in the process of failing and disappointing everyone without even trying to succeed. that is what i do. i get uneasy then i give up before i have a chance to fail, and right now it is tearing me apart inside.
i am caught between several destructive mental quagmires. there is no clean solution to this all. i am going to have to do something, and i'm not going to like doing it. it is going to lead to a compromise that i don't think has to be made. which is just crazy. compromise is a large part of just about every solution. any solution i choose will most likely lead to more problems. but no solution will lead to its own problems, and take away any chance at a successful outcome.
my mind is a blur.
i have chance to do something i have been dreaming of, and it scares me. i have been designing this webpage for a friend. actually, i should say i have been avoiding working on a website i am designing for a friend. i am not avoiding it for a particular reason, besides some lame residual excuses about having to work with someone else's shifting ideas. this webpage started off with simple intentions. we both agreed on that at the very beginning. simple was the main idea. of course, as soon as i started, simple was thrown out the window, along with half of my code that was now rendered unusable. this website has grown into a monster, exactly the kind of website that haunts my dreams, and has made me avoid web design for anything other than personal reasons. i am angry, mostly at myself for agreeing to work on it because i knew that this was going to happen before i started, but i agreed to it anyways. i am angry because when the website gets finished, it won't be what the person wants it to be, it won't be what i want it to be, and because i am the one who made it, i am now on the hook for whatever crazy ass anti-simple additions need to be made.
the website i had in mind when i started was great. it was simple, and elegant, and uncluttered. it was meant to be a vehicle for this person's business, a tool. when we began, we were completely on the same page, what i wanted was exactly what he wanted. but now this person has unrealistic expectations. he wants the website to become his business. he wants to be able to charge people over the internet for all of his consulting fees and stuff for his design work, like hundreds, thousands of dollars here. he wants to set up a shop to sell products he doesn't even have yet. he wants to be able to put this website in place as a replacement for himself, so he won't have to deal with people as much. they can deal with the website. all the information for anything anyone needs will be there, along with the tools they need to pay him for his interior design. that is the crazy thing, it isn't like he is selling a product we can set up a storefront for. sure, he has some things he wants to sell, prints of his canvases and tshirts and stuff, but they are an afterthought to his real business. does he expect the website to go to these people's houses and see what they want and need? how does a website answer specific questions about someone's completely individual space? his business seems successful because it is so fluid and changing. no project he does is the same. he is good at what he does because he can see what people need, and find a way to give it to them. a website isn't fluid. it is text and pictures in boxes on a screen. if you are lucky, there is an email address for a real person in case you need something. if there isn't a person to drive the business, what will happen? nothing.
i don't know how to do the things he wants me to do, in terms of code or design philosophy. even if i did, i wouldn't do some of them because they would basically place all of the administration of his business on my shoulders as the defacto webmaster. there isn't enough money in the world to make me do that. the smartest thing i did was to not accept money for doing this website. it allows me to scale the website back a little, back towards our original intentions. intentions that have been trampled underneath. intentions that would have led to a great website. instead the new intentions will now lead to a giant clusterfuck that will scare people away as soon as they open it. i am sure there will be tons of information somewhere. or there won't be. it could turn into page upon page of empty professional banter created by me because this person had no idea what they really wanted in the first place. could you fill 28 pages worth of content? neither can i. but right now, that is where we are: 28 internal pages linked from the front page. why? i don't know. but i do know that they are all supposed to be in popup menus that i have no idea how to make. but apparently this is how it needs to be.
here is my solution. no popup menus, all 28 pages in blog form with a simple block of text at the top. that is all these pages would have been anyways, simple blocks of text. a sentance, maybe two. information spread way too thin. but if it is a blog, then they have the illusion of substance. and most importantly, i can do it and then hand control over to him. say "here you go, here is the blogger account with 28 individual blogs for you to fill, have fun and call me if the code breaks down." it will give everything a more fluid atmosphere, and will make expansion easier.
it would be easy to finish these tasks, to set these pages up. it would be more or less what he wants, and it would suck. it would be crap, and he would know it, and he would come back at me with a whole new list of crap like the last 3 times we have talked about it, and i would have to start over, again. this is why i will never design a website for anyone else again. simple or not. free or professionally. friend or no. it isn't worth it. so i've been avoiding it. it is bad. i haven't been working on it at all. the more work i do, the more work will be created for me. i never, NEVER should have agreed to make a website for someone else's business because it is a never-ending process. stupid, fucking STUPID.
but anyways, back to the main topic. the guy has come to me about writing a book. in particular, me writing a book and him doing some canvas paintings based on the book. something i've dreamt of doing, writing a novel, with this guy to help me. yet here i am, already avoiding the other project we are working on together and preparing to have it result in a shoddy product.
i know what i need to do. i need to finish this website so it doesn't become a wedge between us, a freaking sinking ship that takes this story about dragons that i am falling in love with down with it. this isn't just a story. this is the story that has tied both of my other major writing projects together into one project, one giant beautiful arc. but do i want to work with him? do i trust someone else to contribute to my ideas positively, without the contributions becoming concessions i don't believe in added out of guilt? because that is what i am afraid of. starting this project, and have it veer completely offcourse very quickly again, until i am tied into doing something i don't believe in for the sake of someone else, even if it is someone i generally trust and admire.
so what am i doing? i am self destructing. i am a wreck. i've been leaving work early and coming home to do nothing but lie in bed, or at my computer, or wander around the house, anything to avoid this website, even though finishing the website could possibly solve all my problems. problems that aren't even fucking problems yet! problems i am creating in my head because i am scared. scared that i will fail and disappoint everyone. well you know what, that is exactly what i am doing right now. i am in the process of failing and disappointing everyone without even trying to succeed. that is what i do. i get uneasy then i give up before i have a chance to fail, and right now it is tearing me apart inside.
i am caught between several destructive mental quagmires. there is no clean solution to this all. i am going to have to do something, and i'm not going to like doing it. it is going to lead to a compromise that i don't think has to be made. which is just crazy. compromise is a large part of just about every solution. any solution i choose will most likely lead to more problems. but no solution will lead to its own problems, and take away any chance at a successful outcome.
my mind is a blur.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
one dragon says to the other, "how do you deal with your weak nature?"
"By making myself stronger every day," the smaller dragon replies. "Every day I wake up strong. I am only weak in the moment I close my eyes."
"How do you deal with being weaker than others?"
"My strength has no room for others. The only strength I know is my own."
"I do not have that luxury," the first dragon said, idly stroking a fresh scar with the back of a talon. "I have the strength of others written into my memories with brutal force. Now their strength is dead, and I am left weakened, a lesser strength."
"There is nothing lesser about your strength my friend, so stop worrying about the strength of others. You struggle only because you allow others to dictate your strength. You need to own the flame inside of you, and learn to unleash it with the full potential of your own strength."
The first dragon sat silent as he thought about what the other dragon had told him. Can I continue becoming stronger if it only leads to further isolation? Can I do this alone?
"Every star follows its own path as it plummets from the sky," said the small dragon, giving his friend a conciliatory whack across the back with his tail, "but that does not mean they cannot fall side by side."
The first dragon continued to study the sky and said nothing
"By making myself stronger every day," the smaller dragon replies. "Every day I wake up strong. I am only weak in the moment I close my eyes."
"How do you deal with being weaker than others?"
"My strength has no room for others. The only strength I know is my own."
"I do not have that luxury," the first dragon said, idly stroking a fresh scar with the back of a talon. "I have the strength of others written into my memories with brutal force. Now their strength is dead, and I am left weakened, a lesser strength."
"There is nothing lesser about your strength my friend, so stop worrying about the strength of others. You struggle only because you allow others to dictate your strength. You need to own the flame inside of you, and learn to unleash it with the full potential of your own strength."
The first dragon sat silent as he thought about what the other dragon had told him. Can I continue becoming stronger if it only leads to further isolation? Can I do this alone?
"Every star follows its own path as it plummets from the sky," said the small dragon, giving his friend a conciliatory whack across the back with his tail, "but that does not mean they cannot fall side by side."
The first dragon continued to study the sky and said nothing
Friday, September 09, 2005
right now i am listening to a song called frog machine. to me, it is a great song. it is right up my alley. to you, it means nothing, because you don't know who its by or what album it is from. but you should. frog machine isn't even my favorite song on the album. maybe 4th or 5th favorite.
oh well. 5 points to you if you figure out who the song is by and what album it is from. 10 extra bonus points if you obtain said album through legal or illegal means, and 20 bonus points if you like it. there is 35 point at stake here, you better get crackin...
at work when i am driving, i try to take a new street or stretch of street i have never taken before every day. it doesn't count if i am going somewhere i haven't been before, it has to be a new route to somewhere i know. sometimes it back fires. sometimes it gets me there faster. what it really does is create clusters of streets i know in every area i go to. eventually the clusters get big enough that they overlap, and more new routes are formed. i was talking to matt when the reality of my job became clear to me after i first started my job. i thought i would be able to get by knowing the freeways and the main streets. i realized this wasn't true very early, and we came to the conclusion that i just have to know every street in every city. i said it as a joke, but only half jokingly. the joke was that i thought this task would be completely impossible, even with my map book. i thought i would get lost several times a day. now, i don't get lost, and the map in my head is getting larger and larger. so, if you need to know how to get from Wall street in everett (or seattle, or tacoma) to NW pacific elm drive in issaquah, you know who to call. i'm all over it.
back to the frog machine.
oh well. 5 points to you if you figure out who the song is by and what album it is from. 10 extra bonus points if you obtain said album through legal or illegal means, and 20 bonus points if you like it. there is 35 point at stake here, you better get crackin...
at work when i am driving, i try to take a new street or stretch of street i have never taken before every day. it doesn't count if i am going somewhere i haven't been before, it has to be a new route to somewhere i know. sometimes it back fires. sometimes it gets me there faster. what it really does is create clusters of streets i know in every area i go to. eventually the clusters get big enough that they overlap, and more new routes are formed. i was talking to matt when the reality of my job became clear to me after i first started my job. i thought i would be able to get by knowing the freeways and the main streets. i realized this wasn't true very early, and we came to the conclusion that i just have to know every street in every city. i said it as a joke, but only half jokingly. the joke was that i thought this task would be completely impossible, even with my map book. i thought i would get lost several times a day. now, i don't get lost, and the map in my head is getting larger and larger. so, if you need to know how to get from Wall street in everett (or seattle, or tacoma) to NW pacific elm drive in issaquah, you know who to call. i'm all over it.
back to the frog machine.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
i have been struggling with my writing. i feel like the idea i start with ends up as a sidelight to the act of writing itself. writing is a good outlet, but it should be an outlet for my head instead of for the grammar and vocabulary i learned in school. i don't want to be one of those people who can write something in a certain voice and convince himself that it is true. my writing and my eductation should be there to help me explain what i am thinking as accurately as possible. my mind is not just a vehicle for my writing style. no excess until the idea justifies it.
the real attraction for me is finding ideas i have never seen before. to be able to write, and end up with something i didn't know before i put it down in words. to feel the need for clarification because the topic is still so small in my mind.
i have been fixated on time manipulation lately. time only falls into seconds when you focus on seperating it. when you stop paying attention, it drifts completely out of thought back into an endless wave. i think about how the schedule i keep and the time table i adhere to shapes my world. i think about the people i meet on a regular basis who happen to be sharing my world because their schedules are the same, and how small a percentage of the population they make up. are there enough people that everyone could throw down regular scheduling and still function? would a timeless society work? if a second doesn't matter, does a minute, or fifteen minutes or two hours, and if two hours dosn't matter, why do we need alarm clocks or a 9-5 work day? i wonder about who i would meet if everyone functioned within their own time. who would be my regulars? who would be a part of my time, my world? would businesses profit by moving to a 24 hour schedule? would a 24 hour day be obsolete too, if businesses were always open? would crime go down if there were people around all the time?
everything is research, something new to incorporate into whatever book, business model, or philosophical theory happens to have number one priority.
but what really funds my mental interest on the effects of time are its effects on aging. if measurements of time are unimportant and we can lose seconds, hours, months at a time, can we slow down or speed up our aging process? is aging more a function of stresses on our body, or on our mind, and how can we use that knowledge to prolong (or shorten) or lives? just now, i've spent 45 minutes thinking about this. would the mental strain be the same if i had the same thoughts and came to the same conclusions in 10 minutes? did i just prolong my life by spreading that strain over a longer period of time?
who knows. we'll find out in 50 years i guess. or 100, or 500 if things go right.
the real attraction for me is finding ideas i have never seen before. to be able to write, and end up with something i didn't know before i put it down in words. to feel the need for clarification because the topic is still so small in my mind.
i have been fixated on time manipulation lately. time only falls into seconds when you focus on seperating it. when you stop paying attention, it drifts completely out of thought back into an endless wave. i think about how the schedule i keep and the time table i adhere to shapes my world. i think about the people i meet on a regular basis who happen to be sharing my world because their schedules are the same, and how small a percentage of the population they make up. are there enough people that everyone could throw down regular scheduling and still function? would a timeless society work? if a second doesn't matter, does a minute, or fifteen minutes or two hours, and if two hours dosn't matter, why do we need alarm clocks or a 9-5 work day? i wonder about who i would meet if everyone functioned within their own time. who would be my regulars? who would be a part of my time, my world? would businesses profit by moving to a 24 hour schedule? would a 24 hour day be obsolete too, if businesses were always open? would crime go down if there were people around all the time?
everything is research, something new to incorporate into whatever book, business model, or philosophical theory happens to have number one priority.
but what really funds my mental interest on the effects of time are its effects on aging. if measurements of time are unimportant and we can lose seconds, hours, months at a time, can we slow down or speed up our aging process? is aging more a function of stresses on our body, or on our mind, and how can we use that knowledge to prolong (or shorten) or lives? just now, i've spent 45 minutes thinking about this. would the mental strain be the same if i had the same thoughts and came to the same conclusions in 10 minutes? did i just prolong my life by spreading that strain over a longer period of time?
who knows. we'll find out in 50 years i guess. or 100, or 500 if things go right.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
time travelling pirates, back from the future for plunder and booty. you can fit a lot of jewels in a space ship.
if i had a mechanical parrot, i bet i could barter for some jewels, as long as they don't throw my out a hatch in the upper atmosphere. but why would they? they are from the future. i mean, i guess if they mistook me for a pirate hunter they know from the future. i can see that being a problem, i can be mistaken for a lot of poeple. i better put a self destruct routine in the parrot. then i take over the ship and become the captain. wouldn't that be an interesting twist of fate. pirates from the past pirating the pirates from the future only to reinvade the future to plunder booty that we lowly past people can only dream of. i'm going to buy a planet. they will scoff at my lack of vision, say i am short-sided and simple. but i won't care. i am going to take secret medical technology to the past to give my friends extraordinary long life, and take them to the planet in secret once i buy it. so that way it will already be evolved and stuff. i will double my investment several million times during that first space flight between the planet sales agency and the surface of planet friv. after that point, who knows. its the future. i'm from the past, i can't see that far ahead.
if i had a mechanical parrot, i bet i could barter for some jewels, as long as they don't throw my out a hatch in the upper atmosphere. but why would they? they are from the future. i mean, i guess if they mistook me for a pirate hunter they know from the future. i can see that being a problem, i can be mistaken for a lot of poeple. i better put a self destruct routine in the parrot. then i take over the ship and become the captain. wouldn't that be an interesting twist of fate. pirates from the past pirating the pirates from the future only to reinvade the future to plunder booty that we lowly past people can only dream of. i'm going to buy a planet. they will scoff at my lack of vision, say i am short-sided and simple. but i won't care. i am going to take secret medical technology to the past to give my friends extraordinary long life, and take them to the planet in secret once i buy it. so that way it will already be evolved and stuff. i will double my investment several million times during that first space flight between the planet sales agency and the surface of planet friv. after that point, who knows. its the future. i'm from the past, i can't see that far ahead.
