knowledge and action.

things would be so easy if i knew who to be all the time. i could make things easier for myself if i didn't try to be so many things at once. i try to bounce off every situation. i don't know why i am afraid of not knowing. it isn't like it isn't painfully obvious. i don't just shrug it off, like i try to make myself believe i do, at least not successfully. usually i retreat. it is just uncomfortable, and confusing, and it doesn't really have to happen. it is a self perpetuating attitude my mind adpots. a situation my mind creates because it is afraid of the truth. when i refuse to acknowledge that truth, that i don't know, i seal myself. i can't gain the knowledge that might help me. it makes action impossible.

there is knowledge i need. the things i need to learn are right in front of me. they are literally bouncing off of my head. i couldn't avoid them if i tried. but i stand frozen on the verge of action, trying to know what to do instead of moving in any direction. that is what i need to learn. it is there for me to learn. i am so focused on how it reflects on me to not know something, that i stand with my back to the solution i am worrying over. if i turned around and did something, anything, i would learn the things i need to know. action is the first step. that is what i need to worry about, just movement. because i don't know. i am not going to be fooling anyone by acting like i know what i am doing in any given situation before i have any relevent experience with it. it is the experience that will lead to the knowledge i need, not the assumptions i try to prepare myself with.

i don't want excuses, i need more than that. i am too many things sometimes simply because i can be so many things. i hope the right way to be will just come to me, so i float my vague, shifting attitude into the situation and hope some hint will shake out before i am exposed. it is lazy. it betrays a complete lack of focus, and it really doesn't matter in the first place. i don't have to be the right person all the time. i don't have to have the right answer, or the right witty thing to say. i don't have to know everything. i don't have to react correctly every time, and i don't have to understand every situation i am in. perspective is gained afterwards, not by analyzing things that haven't happened.

i need to act if i want something. think later, when there is actually something to consider. i already know what is in my way, and i know it is my own creation. if i can just keep moving, my concerns will erode with time, and become points of strength. once my attention has successfully diverted and there is progress, i will grow, and i will improve. it just won't happen on its own.

frivved up by Ben at 10:30 PM

my job is winning. my job has been beating me these past few days. it has taken over my mind. no one really saw this coming though, with the ice its complete lack of driveablity, but it has been exhausting. i love the snow, but for works sake i am looking forward to it being gone. the office has been pretty good though. we have handled it as well as we can. it helped that yesterday some of the bigger sources of stress stayed home, but everyone was back today. it was kind of tense. my shoulders are still in knots because i kept expecting to be hit in the back with an angry barrage of misdirected words. it was just stressful.

it has been a wierd few days. i can't tell you how much i respect the drivers who have actually been showing up. i made some people a lot of money today, and that makes me feel better.

frivved up by Ben at 8:21 PM

i'm happy. i am just happy. it wasn't very long, but it was long enough to make me feel it. and now i am just happy.

it was strange, these past few days. i was just lonely. i guess it isn't strange, but it strange for me. at first, i didn't really recognize what was happening. i was antsy, i was restless, i was out of sorts. quickly i realized it was because she was gone, and more because she was far away and there was no way to see her. i almost didn't want to admit it at first, but i was lonely. i don't get lonely. if lonely had been a problem, i would have driven myself crazy long ago. i guess lonely was just the norm. maybe now that i have a reason, it actually got through to me what i was feeling.

when she showed up today, my whole body responded. my mind was at ease, my smile was permanent, and my heart started beating faster because i was so excited to see her. my restlessness faded away, and i was happy just because she was here. the greatest part is, i am easygoing enough to recognize these things. some people take these things for granted, because they are focused on other things. but simple things like this mean something to me, feelings i can't avoid, and would never want too. and so, today was great.

it wasn't long, but it was long enough. today was great, and it is hard for me to describe how happy i was. i didn't fully realize how much i missed her until she was here, and then it didn't matter anymore. thank you for coming back :)

frivved up by Ben at 5:37 PM

suddenly, there are movies. i went about a year and a half between trips to the theater. after tonight, i will have gone three times in one week. crazyness.

see the departed, because it is a great movie with an even better cast. see bond because daniel craig is awesome. don't get me started on the movie, though. i wish they would have let me edit it instead. i'll tell you about the fountain after tonight. i am looking forward to this movie. i haven't been this anxious for a movie since return of the king. i know i am going to love the fountain. i am putting unreasonably high expectations on this movie because i know it won't disappoint me. it is my kind of movie.

i'll tell you what i think about it later.

i am antsy. i am in between things to do, and completely lacking motivation. i can either sit here and pretend to be writing, or lay down on the floor and drool a little until someone finds me. so we plow forward, in search of a topic. obviously, it wasn't movies. so much is happening. after all that time of nothing, there is so much going on. i can't keep up with everything. i have so much to do, i am not sure where to begin. i feel like i am floating. i feel like i should be doing something right now, but there isn't anything that needs my attention, yet. so am just antsy. i am anxious because it is quiet. actually, that doesn't sound like the me i know. i like the quiet. it must not be the quiet. it is because there is nothing i can do. i just have to sit and wait. my focus keeps drifting away. the things i want are so close, i just have to be patient. i am good at patient.

frivved up by Ben at 3:45 PM

my mind is pouting. it refuses to post. i think it is acting childish, so i am putting it in time out until tomorrow. i am making it write this little useless paragraph as punishment for its poor attitude. if it doesn't want to look stupid, it shouldn't be acting like a frump. ha! that will show it...

frivved up by Ben at 11:56 PM

yesterday after work, i went directly to my parents house. i spent all of today with them, and their friends at thanksgiving. today was typical family holiday fare, but last night was good. i actually had a long, meaningful conversation with my parents for the first time in a long time. i was open, and honest with them. i didn't hold back, and i tried to answer their questions. today when my dad was driving home, he asked me more questions, and i answered them to the best of my ability.

i feel so relieved. especially that me and my dad could talk at all. because it has been difficult between me and him, and it has been almost entirely my fault. my dad has been hands down the most influential person in my life. he would be more influential if he could be. it has been a painful thing to break away from him and find myself, instead of being a second him. because he is a great person. he is a stronger person than i see myself ever being. he knows so much, and want to share it with me, so i can be exactly like him. but i am not, no matter how much we would both like it to be true. we were so close before i hit puberty, that it has been really rough on both of us to grow further and further apart. but i had too. maybe i didn't have to do it in such a cold manner, i didn't have to act as distant and disinterested, but i couldn't see another way that would work. it has been difficult to seperate myself from him, especially since i spent my adolescence convinced that i hated him and didn't want to be anything like him. during my bout of self-exploration, i have found how similar we are. we are not the same. we have very different mindsets, but our core values are the same.

it is very similar to how i attack other people on my blog here. i spent years attacking him, but what i was really doing is attacking some of the things i didn't like about myself, or things i was envious of because i didn't see them in myself. i was more angry because he was ultimately right about so many things, and i didn't want to admit it to myself. he does have flaws. we all have flaws. he is more passive agressive than i am, and that is saying a lot. he is more focused on his way of doing things, whereas i am more flexible. i was more angry at him because i was angry at myself. his shortcomings were never enough for me to actually be angry at him. frustrated maybe, but he never deserved the negative energy i focused on him. he was spared a lot of it because we didn't see very much of eachother at all, but he still didn't deserve it. i know what i thought, and he didn't deserve it.

i have not been fair to my parents. i have not been fair at all. i was not the person i wanted them to see me as. i was disappointed in myself, and i didn't want them to feel disappointed in me as well. i am sure they would rather have seen me more often, or at all, since honestly there have been long stretches of time i have almost completely broken off contact with them. i very much regret that i did this, but at the time i didn't have a choice. i love my parents. i love my parents, but i know my parents. i justified it as 'setting up boundaries'. it really wasn't that. it was selfish. it was my weakness. i couldn't face them because i didn't want them to know who i was. it was absolutely an impetus for change. they are my standard for human decency. they are the moral standard i aspire too. they are my value system. i am realizing now, that they are one of the main reasons i had to change. i couldn't even face them, and it made me feel like a horrible person.

i want my parents and my sister to be a part of my life. i have been on my own, and seen how people are. my family are all good people. i love them, and they love me despite myself. they loved me throughout it all, even when they knew i was lying to them.

i have not been fair to them. it is one of the things i am least proud of, the way i have treated them since i left for college. but sitting down with them and talking to them, and showing them i am happy, and healthy, and that i have realized how important it is to be a good person like they always wanted me to be was huge for me. it will take time, especially with my dad, for him to be open around me, since he is not an open person in the first place. but he still loves me and wants to see me successful and happy. there are still some wounds there, but nothing beyond reconcile. last night was a start. it didn't fix things, but it was a huge step in the right direction.

this blog hasn't been publishing and i think i know why. i left my train of thought unfinished. i went through all the uncomfortable setup, without continuing into what i actually meant to say. my dad and i still enjoy eachother's company, very much. definitely more than most of our extended family, and we like our family. we don't like to show our inner turmoil, that is a big part of our passive agressive, distant ways. it isn't always a defect. it has allowed both of us to stay seperated from the drama by internalizing it. when we are together, we have always been completely cool. we don't yell, or argue, or even really disagree when we are around eachother. when we are together, things are fine. but we can communicate without words. we can look at eachother, and say all the unspoken words in a glance. because i know he does the same things i do in my head. i have never talked to him about it, but i know he goes through potential conversations in his head, conversations he would like to have, and practice run conversations to be prepared for things he doesn't want to talk about, but is afraid he is going to have too. we look at eachother sometimes, especially after not seeing eachother for a while, and we can just feel the thoughts behind eachothers eyes. i can see his face working, and in particular his eyes moving, and we both just know what isn't being said. and then it is over. neither of us likes confrontation, and especially not with eachother because we both tend to have trouble articulating when we are agitated. we would both just rather avoid it, if at all possible. and both of us do. i am just realizing this, all right now as i am writing. if we can avoid the uncomfortableness, we will. so somehow, we are cool. we will always have other people around us who can't handle things as well as we can. whatever thoughts and feelings we have can be put aside for the sake of other people around us. we both care enough about the people we love, we care enough about eachother to put aside a lot of the things that bother us. we both see ourselves as stable forces when we are with our loved ones. it is fun being around me and my family. we get along when we are all together. we get along with anyone else we are around, and a lot of it is because we are able to sacrifice for eachother.

tonight, i had a great time with my dad. last night he let me say a lot of things i needed to say. the conversation was mostly with my mom, because she is a lot better at acting involved while letting someone else speak, whereas my dad would rather just listen. but tonight, we had fun together in a situation we didn't really want to be in. we played board games with 12 other people at a thanksgiving party after dinner because we couldn't find the broncos-chiefs game on tv. we had both been looking forward to just relaxing after dinner, and vegging out with some good pigskin action. instead we ended up playing boardgames, which is much more effort than either of us wanted to exert. we ended up on the same team, and we had fun. in pictionary, we almost staged an impossible comeback together. he was drawing, and i guessed 'laryngitis' from his chicken scratches on a pivotal all-play, that was how in the zone we were. then, on the second game, we just dominated. we were the board game all-stars tonight, because we were on the same team. we will always have eachother's backs, but we will always try to have ourselves handled in the first place so it isn't necessary.

that is what i want with my dad. now that i have grown up and matured into someone of my own, instead of someone else to take care of, i want him to recognize that i am no longer a liability. that is one thing i know he and my mom appreciate. through all of my crap, all of the stuff that has happened, i have been supporting myself. they joke sometimes about how easy it was to put my sister through college because i have been completely off their dime. i think in a lot of ways he is still proud of me, and i think my finances are something he actually respects about me. in the end, he is a solitary person, just like me. he will respect someone who takes care of himself. it is something i have learned from him, and one of the most important things in my life. it is something i have been trying to prove to him all of my life, that i can do it with my own strength. it is important to me that he sees this in me, because it is perhaps the most important thing he has taught me. the only reason i can can be the independant, unique, and successful person i am is because of what he has taught me, and will continue to teach me.

frivved up by Ben at 9:44 PM

hello, my fellow readers, and welcome to todays edition of BLOG-O-TAINMENT!

so you are bored, and you decide to come here. because i am here. it seems natural to me. i write, sometimes even at great length. sometimes even on topic. but it will be enough, because i have already killed about thirty seconds of your time, and that is what you were really after in the first place.

on to the meat. i broke down yesterday. i have this myspace page. i held out forever, because myspace seems evil and i have this place. but no one can find this place. i left it blank, because the name and the city are what people search for when they want to find me. but i stare at it, and i see things they tell me to write about, and it makes me anxious. it makes me want to write about those things. so i broke down. i put a giant list of music on my myspace. probably too much. i mean, i am still a myspace newb, i don't know all the ins and the outs, the common courtesy sort of things that every internet community develops. but screw it. they told me to write about music. they got exactly what they are asking for.

the thing is, all i did was list music. that isn't enough for me. that isn't writing about music. so now my mind is swirling. all i can think about is 'why that music?' what am i leaving out by fitting my text into the little myspace box, with my little myspace list. music is a big deal, it deserves much more explaination, i have realized. so i am here to flesh this whole musical obsession thing out, and you are here because you are bored. it is a match made in heaven.

first, we need to find out how i appreciate music. the context of my listening habits. i listen to music mostly on weekends and before bed. having music on in the background while i am doing other things can piss me off. i am not a big fan of the random shuffle thing. if they had a random album shuffle, i would be there all the time. i like albums. songs are great, but i need a full album or i am not satisfied. it makes me sad to see great songs on terrible albums. if i was a good song followed by cheap filler, i would be pissed. i would mutiny, and take the other two halfway decent songs with me. if you are putting out an album, you should focus on making a solid album, and solid albums are filled with solid songs. solid albums are better as a whole than any single song. that is what an album should be, an collection of pieces that becomes a new entity when combined, to the benefit of all the pieces.

luckily, there is more music out there than i could possibly listen too. i have found enough albums i think are solid that i don't have to worry anymore. i can sit down and blow off an hour on the internet, or just sitting like a lump listening to music. or, my favorite, letting music put me to sleep. i think my insomnia stems from the fact that i can't shut down my thoughts. when i lay down, my brain sees the lull in the action and goes to work. there is nothing going on, so it is time to think without interruption. music gives my head something else to focus on. it still takes more than one album to fall asleep, but falling asleep in less than two hours is still infinitely better than not falling asleep at all. anyways, the time right before bed is usually my favorite part of the day. it is just me, my thoughts, and whatever two albums i have picked. so, i just drift.

it makes perfect sense, it ties in with how i have always enjoyed music. i can never fully pay attention. my mind always drifts. lyrics are usually useless. i can never pay attention. they pop out at certain moments, when they are relevent to my internal monologue, and that is great. but most of the time, vocals are just another instrument. mostly what i seek out is the emotion behind the songs. it is in my nature. i try to feel what the people around me are feeling. so when i am listening to music, i try to feel what the artist is feeling, or at least why they are trying to make me feel. it gives me an odd perspective sometimes. i will talk to someone about a song, and they will be like 'did you listen to what they were saying? you didn't catch it at all.' but i wasn't, so my song ends up being a little different than their song. most of the time, we can reconcile. we just add a different aspect to eachother's appreciation. but yeah, lyrics. screw lyrics. i am not listening to music to hear bad poetry. i am listening to let the music take ahold of me, and give me a vicarious emotional experience. that is what good music does, makes you feel things without the usual prerequesite outside stimulus. all it takes is a song, just sound, and you can feel angry, or sad, or in love. that is what amazes me, and what keeps me coming back for more.

it is funny to wind back through my music listening career. first, it was grunge and alternative. it was junior high and high school. it was anger, it was angst, it was my petulant attitude toward life. i slowly wound my way through rock, until i started dabbling in electronic music, kind of my second wind. i had never known anything other than rock, so it was a little confusing. no words, no instruments, just a constant building pulse that took time to develop, but could take you places you never thought possible. it spoke to me, the fact that a computer could make this this music. to me, it was basically organic math. a human controlling the structure of numbers and sine waves, and all of the things i was fixated on at the end of high school and the beginning of college, and turning them into something beautiful. trance music was an epiphany. the simpler the song, the more beautiful it seemed. then, after i was a complete trance addict, i found raving. it was a little annoying, since trance and raves in seattle didn't seem to go hand in hand. it was all house and drum and bass. both of these are great, sure, but it wasn't what i was looking for. maybe i just picked the wrong parties, i don't know. so i started exploring on my own. i started to explore goa, psytrance, and all of the more acidy tripped out edges of the electronic world. i realized i enjoyed getting away from the constant bpm that drove rave sets. my mind thrived in the shifts and turns. this slowly lead me away from trance as a fallback. i started finding more downtempo chill albums and a whole mess of trip hop. this has really become my staple. i am not even sure if i can define trip hop. actually, i am not quite sure i can define any music genre. my mental cataloging is all based on what i have heard from other people. trip hop defines a broad spectrum of music to me, and at this point, i wasn't too concerned about describing my tastes to other people. i just wanted to hear new things.

this is where my tastes really exploded. i wanted everything. i wanted to listen to every album, and every other album it was compared to. i wanted to find the best of every sound i had ever heard. i just wanted the best albums, the albums i enjoyed the most. i didn't mind weeding through mediocre albums that i liked until i found the one album that i loved, and made them obsolete. it was just a process i went to any time i found something i hadn't heard before. that is what i wanted, the albums that sat at the top, and let me narrow down my tastes, until i had only music i wanted to listen too. i stopped paying attention to genre. i just listened to everything, and if i liked it i would pursue more. if i didn't, it was deleted for space. my tastes were broad enough, that genres were just ideas to lead me to the album i wanted to hear. punk, jazz, indie, happy hardcore, bluegrass, whatever. if you can combine two or more, even better, because you give me something i haven't heard before. the only thing that really keeps things focused is a lack of hard drive space. for a while i was constantly forced to reevaluate, and examined what albums i really listened too, and what albums were just there for show. i lost a lot of stuff i wish i still had, but apparently not enough to go find it again.

and here i am. i have so much music, i can't listen to it all. i don't even know how to begin to share my tastes with someone else. albums work their way in and out of my regular playlist. burning cd's work to a point, until i realize how outdated my own booklets full of burned cd's are. i am always adding new music. i have enough albums and enough artists i listen too, that there is always new music coming in. whenever i decide to look, there are new albums to download. usually don't even need too, because i can just skim through my huge folder of unsorted crap and find something i forgot i had.

i figure, my tastes reveal themselves. i don't really pay attention to what i am listening too. i just scroll through, and find the first album i really want to listen too, and put it on. before the album ends, i find a new one. i never spend more than about thirty seconds looking, because i don't have too. it all depends on my mood. sometimes, i spend weeks without listening to the same album twice. then sometimes i listen to the same albums over and over, because they are so good and give me no reason to look for anything else.

i have been thinking about something for a while now. setting up a page like the reviews page. a top 100 page. i want to have a fluid rating system of my top 100 favorite albums. something i can change on a whim. i think this would be a lot of fun to build. i wonder how long it would take me to even find 100 albums i think are worthy to be on the list. not too long, i am thinking. it is something i have been meaning to set up. i could set one up for ryan and matt too. that would almost be more interesting to me, because i tend to view other people's music through the prism of my own tastes.

now, i am tired. i am not even going to read this again tonight before i publish. any glaring errors will get to stay in all their mistyped glory. not that i am going to be able to sleep, anyways. i'm staying at my parents house tonight, which means no music. i wonder if i can recreate a full album in my head....... ooooh....... your task is now to try and recreate your favorite album, now that my entertainment outpouring has run dry.

frivved up by Ben at 10:44 PM

i need to write. i don't know what about yet, but i need to write something. maybe about what i need, and why i need to write

things seem to be changing. if i don't even try to figure out how it is changing me, i am not being myself. my life is suddenly better than i remember it being. when Christi walked into my life, everything instantly improved. i am constantly intruiged by this woman. the more i find out about her, the more i want to know. she surprises me every time i see her. and she likes me. she likes me. the core of me. the things i can't change, or won't change. she knows i am a goof. she knows i'm wierd, and that i will act like an idiot whenever i am given the chance. but she still likes me. she cares about me. it is a simple thing, but it means so much to me.

people used to look at me like i was crazy when i told them that i was a romantic. i didn't care that they didn't believe me. they inevitably asked how i could be alone all the time if i was a romantic. i never understood the question. i thought the question answered itself. it goes right to the essence of romance, in my opinion. if you don't have someone to really care about, how can do anything but be alone?

the simple fact is, i am fine being alone. it doesn't really bother me. i would rather be alone than involved in something i don't believe in. two years ago, in November 2004, i said something that has stuck with me. i was talking about this same topic. when talking about being alone, and how solitude was an important part of who i am, i said "what does that make me want? someone i don't mind being alone around, and who doesn't mind being alone around me." at the time i tried to shrug it off as simpleminded rambling. it is a contradictory idea. but now it is starting to make sense. i understand the idea that was trying to form in my mind.

she tries to make me feel comfortable. no, she goes out of her way to make me feel comfortable around her. whether she knows it or not, she has a knack for heading off my nonsense before it has a chance to develop. when it does, she always points it out, so we are both fully aware of how idiotic i am being. even when i do something unnecessarily stupid, something dumb just for the sake of humoring my whims, she still smiles at me. it almost feels like as long as i know and i don't care, she is ok with it. because these things happen. i generally let my mind have free reign of what i am doing. i don't try to force it into a controlled little box anymore. most of the time things go fine, but i definitely have a random element to my personality that will lead to certain... irregularities...

but despite all that, things still seem right. even when she tells me i am dumb, i feel like i am doing things right. it isn't about making mistakes or screwing things up. insecurities about things like that would manifest themselves as real problems. that is the thing, i don't feel insecure when it comes to her. i don't feel any pressure, i just feel good. i just want her to love me.

it is now midnight. i sat here in silence staring at that last sentence for 4 whole minutes, because right after i wrote it, she sent me a message saying exactly that. that she loves me. i don't know what to say. i don't think there is anything more too say tonight. she is what i need, and why i needed to write tonight. she finished this blog for me, the blog i wrote for her. it is almost cruel of me to wait for her to read this on her own, but now i think she will enjoy it even more.

frivved up by Ben at 10:40 PM

i will be here when she gets back. i will be here when you get back. hi :)

don't be scared. don't be worried. don't even miss me. i will be here. you will be in my thoughts, and we will see eachother again very soon.

i wanted to say all of that. 'i will be here when you get back.' it was important for me to be able to say that much to you before you left. good night, sweet dreams, and i love you.

frivved up by Ben at 8:43 PM

dun dun, dunna dun dun

sleep is completely eluding me. are daydreams still called daydreams if you have them in the middle of the night while lying in bed? i just wish i could be sleeping and having dreams. i know it is simple insomnia when i make it through both of my bedtime albums and am still wide awake. maybe one more will do the trick.

frivved up by Ben at 1:47 AM

there is a part of me that doesn't want to blog until ryan gets us through monday. he said it on friday, and i believe it: what he is doing is important. i am on the edge of my seat, because i am learning from those posts, about him and myself at the same time. life is study!

certain people have a little gateway into my mind. certain people just think like me. i have been thinking about what attracts me to other people, and intelligence is something that keeps floating into my mind. to pique my interest, you have to be smart. i look at the people who i end up being the closest with, and they are all very much like myself, and very intelligent. my favorite people are all geniuses in their own right. they probably struggle with this fact at much as i do, but it ends up being true.

my mind is fickle, but certain people draw me like a magnet. people who can see through the facade, and let me be comfortable as myself. i have created such a complete persona to serve as an outer shell that it takes an intelligent person to even recognize that there are layers underneath. that shell isn't even a bad thing. it isn't so much fake; it is definitely me. it just isn't all of me. it is the part i can trust anyone to see. i think it takes someone like me, someone with layers of their own, to be curious enough and interested enough to care about the rest. because that is the good stuff, the stuff i think about and try to cultivate. the stuff that makes me smile. suddendly after writing this out, i am wondering if that is why i built myself this way in the first place, to find 'my' people, people who will actually be a part of my life instead of just existing the same general space.

the funny thing is, i live inside the shell all the time, so i don't realize how much i am hiding. i take for granted that people can only see what i show them. i think i need to work on sharing more of myself with those people who are actually interested, as openly as i do here where i already know everything anyways, so there is nothing to hide. how else will people be able to learn? wasn't that the purpose to begin with, to share myself with people who might understand? otherwise i am just hiding. it is rare to find someone who is even curious, and i want them to be able to see me as i see myself. that is what they are looking for in the first place, and what i ultimately want them to find.

frivved up by Ben at 6:59 PM

today was a great day. i kissed a beautiful girl, and she kissed me back. i can sleep peacefully tonight because things are going my way.

frivved up by Ben at 9:30 PM

why no publish! please oh wonderful blog...

frivved up by Ben at 12:40 AM

first, everyone change your color to yellow, in honor of perhaps the most hilarious and perfect moment in friv history: the mention of pineapple weed on the front page.



Pineapple Weed
Matricaria discoidea.

I honestly don't remember if this is the name we called it by. MADI seems like a familiar pet name from our monitoring days at starflower. anyways, pineapple weed was my favorite weed. it always felt like a shame to pull it out. it was never really bothering anything. it usually grew on the gravel paths, and never really invasively inside our plantings. it does smell like pineapples.

this post is my homage to pineapple weed. i didn't want to clutter up the genius of friv page with boring pictures.

sometimes i feel like when i cut my hair, i started to wake up from a dream. then exactly two weeks ago on tuesday, i told matt i was coming out of my hibernation. he was obviously stoked. he was kind of giddy anyways, but he was right on board. he was on board my little personal sabbatical to begin with, i just don't think he thought it would take so long for me to gain the perspective i needed. in hind sight, it must have been a little surreal for him to watch me blink entirely out of our social life, then wake up a few years later in an entirely different one. he knew why i was doing it. he lived with me, he knew the entire time it was necessary. he never questioned it, and he always believed in me, believed that i knew exactly what i was doing. he may not have always completely understood, but he could see the incremental shifts in thinking and how much it helped me. that was the thing. we both agreed together that we needed to be better people. we saw the things we wanted, but never believed the people we were deserved them. so we did something about it. we made a decision to earn those things. to be the type of people who made good things happen. he did it in his own way, and i did it in mine.

when i cut my hair, i was triggering a readjustment in my thinking. it was kind of a symbolic change, from complete introversion back into a social being, a part of the world around me. the hair and moreso the beard were a tool for introversion. they were another barrier between myself and the world. it was a layer i could sit behind, leaving me free to think and observe. my beard almost felt like a mask. i felt completely anonymous.

when i cut my hair, i knew i wasn't going to make any immediate wholesale changes. i have said things before, 'from now on i am going to be like this' sort of things, but it never worked. i can't switch my thought process in a blink like that, no matter how hard i try, or believe that i can. but recently it has become overabundantly clear to me that i have changed. that slowly, the person i wanted to be had emerged. i didn't fully notice until i cut my hair and shaved, and looked at myself in the mirror. i couldn't stop smiling. i knew things were different. i felt i was seeing myself for the first time since i put my body to sleep and withdrew into my mind.

since i did, things have just been happening to me. it feels like the world was waiting. like it knew i needed some rest, so it let me have some time to myself. but now that it has me back, it is celebrating along with me. it liked the person i was. it was always in love with my potential. certain things have always played into my hands. but there is something different about me now that had been slowly building inside. i knew it was happening, and i could see it myself, but now that i have forced it into the light everyone else can see too. random people have noticed, my friends have noticed, and even my parents have noticed. i have noticed. the world is glad to have me back, and it has so much it has been waiting to show me.

that is why i did it. i liked my hair. those people close to me know i almost worshipped my hair. but i knew it was time to let go of the comfortable routine i knew and start moving again.

frivved up by Ben at 10:05 PM

the structure of change.

last night was a great night. it was a strange night, but a great night. we went out, and were social, and acted like a couple. that was fun. but that was not the real last night. i feel we have completely reevaluated things. today i feel so much more at ease with the entire situation.

the last week has been intense. i was entirely caught up in what was happening in every single moment. all i could think about was her, and being with her, and making her feel good in that instant. i did not take the time to step back and question whether what i was doing was appropriate. i have no regrets about the past week, but we both agree it has been way too much way too fast. we are such similar people, that we completely were caught up in the rush of emotions.

i realized that i have to stop making so many assumptions. the fact we are similar does not make us the same. i can't sit here thinking about things, assuming she thinks the same thing. i can't keep talking about the way 'we' are. it is unfair. so i will talk about myself, and what i think. i think i am the type of person who not only feeds off of other people's emotions, but feels emotions so strongly that people around me can't help but get swept up in what i am feeling. i can't help but impose my moods on the people around me. i am constantly trasmitting these things. sometimes i wish there was a way to stop myself from sweeping people along with me. if there is, i haven't figured it out. this is another reason i am solitary. if i am angry, the people around me will be angry. if i am happy, people around me will be happy. the problem is, i can't differentiate between what people are really feeling and those things they are feeling by proxy through me. so i go along with exactly what i am doing, assuming everyone is on board. which they are, at that time. but when i am not there, things go back to normal. then there are problems. it usually take me so long to realize what is going on, that i end up on my own little tangent path, just assuming people are still feeling the same way i do.

i don't know what to do about this. i have been thinking about this all night and all morning. the only thing i can really come up with is constant honest communication. real honest communication, not communication to justify my feelings. because when i am unsure, and i am still trying to convince myself of things, that is when my emotional state can become unintentionally manipulative. i don't like feeling that. i can't think of many things that make me feel worse than that moment when i realize that someone else was feeling something i was primarily because i planted it in their head. because then i have to watch them dissemble this intense feeling, and watch it slip through their grasp, and see the confusion on their face when they question whether it was really their true feelings at all.

one thing i can say without making any assumptions, is that she feels things as intensely as i do. i am not sure, but i am guessing that she has the same problems. and that is what has made things so crazy. we are both sitting here trasmitting things to eachother, amplifying them, and sending them back. there was no end in sight. i know i didn't want to stop it for anything. we have a connection like i have never felt. we are both rare people. i can admit that i see myself as something more. some of that is ego, but not all of it. there is something about me that makes me different. this makes it hard for me to find a connection with anyone at all. finding someone like me, and female to boot, seemed impossible. i never thought it would happen, i didn't think there was someone out there like me. but the more we get to know eachother, the more we realize how similar we are. this is terrifying. not only because it is so wonderful, and it is painful to think about what would happen if things slipped away, but also because of the things we know about ourselves. we share the good and the bad. we are dark and twisty people. we try to hold it inside, to keep it from leaking out and screwing with our lives. but when we are together, it all comes rushing to the surface. our dark thoughts are left in plain view.

but for me, the really scary thing is how little it bothers me. the fact that i can tell her things that i have never told matt or ryan, and she can tell me things that leave her so emotionally exposed to me. that i don't mind. we could let the dark half our personalities control ourselves. last night, i realized how uneasy i make her feel, and rightfully so. i could see her struggle with the fact that i have all of the bad traits she is always attracted to and that lead her to certain heartbreak. because we are the way we are, things are going to be more difficult. the potential for hurt is unthinkably huge. if i had met her three years ago, we would have been a recipe for certain disaster.

i have to find a way to show her who i really am. the person i am now. i have to show her the peace i have found. i have to make her believe that there can be a balance between the good and the bad, or else she will end up hurting me before i can hurt her. if she doesn't believe that i have the self-control to keep my dark and twisty side from breaking through and wreaking havoc whenever it wants, then my presence will be detrimental to her. that is where i veer away from the people like me she has always known. i have come to grips with who i am. i own the fact that genious is always balanced by insanity. i know the things i am capable of, but i have risen above the two warring sides of my personality and found a sort of impartiality. i can see both sides of myself at the same time. it would be easy if i had the genious without the crazy. but if that was the case, i wouldn't be who i am. the crazy part of me enhances my intelligence. it is where i draw my humor, my sponteniety, my mental flexiblity, my creativity and ultimately my burgeoning intuition. i can't imagine myself without these things. they are such an essential part of who i am.

all i can do is keep being me. i don't know any other way to live. i don't wish i had acted differently this week. i don't think i could have. i can completely see her misgivings. it is easy to see how my genuine efforts to make her happy could seem sinister in motive. they may not have been meant that way, but they were based on a lot of assumption, disregarding whether the assumptions were true or not. i admit, i lose track of what i have said, and what i have thought. so much of what she says rings true, that i feel like i said it to her instead. i need to stop leaving conversations one-sided. i need to communicate what i think more, instead of just acting on those thoughts as if they make perfect sense. in proper context, they do. but my good intentions can turn against me when they are they are taken out of context.

basically it boils down to this. i have been taking a lot of things for granted. i have been working on a lot of assumptions. and, i have been building this vision of her in my head, based on who i am and the way i feel about her. i have been putting an extraordinary amount of pressure on the both of us. but we talked about it. we laid a lot of things on the table, honestly, and with the best intentions. we both feel what we feel. we both know that there is connection unlike anything we have felt before. and for people like us, dark and twisty people who have not only been hurt deeply, but hurt other people ourselves, this is a very scary prospect. it is not something to be treated whimisically, as if it made all the sense in the world, and that just by being together everything will be perfect and happy. we have a chance for something special, a deep an meaningful relationship that elevates both of us. but it will never have a chance to grow if we aren't honest about it, and honest about eachother.

so, today i am feeling strangely comfortable. i don't feel i need to worry so much, like i was last week. things were, in fact, on the verge of flying out of our control. that much wasn't my imagination, and i am glad, because i really had no idea what was happening. but we both realized it, we both don't want that to happen. we want to be together. we want to be together so much, we were both willing to completely give ourselves over to these intense, but frightening emotions we were feeling for an entire week without hesitating. i don't believe that is just an assumption.

last week was great. last week was intense, but great. i am not sure i will ever fully understand everything that happened. but it did, and we are still here. we have another week next week to see where things go. today i am breathing a sigh of relief. i was in a freefall. i even said i was going to do it. i jumped headfirst, and didn't ask questions. the fact that i was able to do so, to submit control like that is nothing short of amazing, when i think back. i don't do that. i don't just blindly move into things. i always want to know exactly how things are going to happen. i usually can't bring myself to just jump like that. but i did, and i survived. i am back on my feet, and she is still there. it would be an easy thing to say i am scared, and walk away. in the past, i probably already would have. but i have grown. i am a strong person. i am a good person. now, i want to know what happens next week. i want to see where things go from here. and honestly, i have no idea what is going to happen. but i am still going to keep moving forward, with the perspective i have gained, and the memory of the brilliant emotions we have already felt together. the two of us together. if i end up being hurt, so be it. if we premptively cave in under the assumption that our dark and twisty sides are going to take over and corrupt us, we will both be hurt no matter what.

but i am an optomist

frivved up by Ben at 3:18 PM

i have been thinking a lot about my books again this week, mostly to try and figure out exactly what the world is like in the book i am writing. the world that my two main characters built, then destroyed. i need to know what it was built on. there are parallels forming, both on a story level and a personal level that are killing me. i went back and read the little two section blurb that was really the first text that has any shot of being in the books. the crazy thing is, it was written in like 2004, before i had any of these stories fleshed out at all. they were just a collection of scenes waiting for a plot.

it has really been making me refocus on who Ash and Krista really are, and how they have formed in my mind. Ash is the superhuman version of myself. he is the person i want to be, my evolved form. and Kristabelle is his female equivolent, an equal. she was basically built out of the very pinnacle of thought my romantic mind can imagine. but she is beyond that, i always see her as a creature beyond what my mind can comprehend. she has to be, if she is going to play the role i have written for her. her accomplishments outstrip ash's, in the end. i wouldn't make her travel the path she does if i didn't completely trust her.

now that i am finally going back and reading it, they are still the same characters. the scene is perfect (not including miles, who isn't enough of a main character to be completely realized at this point). they are acting like the ash and krista i know. in fact, the scene seems so much more intense and meaningful to me, now that i know so much more about the connection they feel, and where it leads them. i watch them and smile.

frivved up by Ben at 8:27 PM

i felt compelled to revisit my time post from a few months back. i said i live in a grey area floating between the past and the future, never in the present. i don't know why i was so against it. reducing something's significance is one thing, but denouncing its entire existance? the present is the axis from which the past and the future extend. i have realized that standing in the present it is like standing directly above the center of gravity of a moving object. the world feels like it is pivoting around you. yet if you were a few feet an any direction, you would be tossed around. the present is right in the center. i still live square in that grey area. i still can see the past and the future extending around me, and flow through it if i want too. but instead of floating randomly, i have realized the present needs my port of harbor, the constant landmark to keep everything in perspective. travelling in the present is just natural. it is the balance.

frivved up by Ben at 11:54 PM

the chicken has more or less landed. only, i can fly and the chicken can't. i am riding such an incredible high today. work was horrible, but it is all a distant memory. i haven't really gotten any sleep in days and days, and i am still sitting here dancing in my chair. it has been a long time, so long since i have felt anything remotely like this. in fact, i don't think i have felt anything like this. every day has gotten better. i feel like i can face anything right now.

the best part about it, is this exactly how i always wanted love to be. i have always felt that real love should be effortless and instantaneous. it seemed way too idealistic to be true, which is why i have questioned this view so many times. i have pegged myself as asexual at best, and a serial loser at worst. but i always knew. i have always stood by this belief, no matter how lonely i was. i went on dates, even dates with great girls, but they were never the girl. something this important should not be forced. i knew she was out there. my mind told me i would know when i found her, or better yet, when she found me. this post is the validation of every lonely post i have had over the past few years. the wait has been worth it so far.

my cynical bones are getting a much needed rest. hell, my ego is getting a much needed rest. i feel no need to rifle through my thoughts looking for deception. i feel absolutely great, and better yet, i deserve to feel this way. there is no guilt or questioning, just bliss

frivved up by Ben at 11:15 PM

damn, looking back i need to stop being so harsh to myself. i have some good points though. i sometimes lose focus of the reason behind the post in the first place. i make the mistake of looking at my own text as if it was directed at me now, instead of me three months ago. so the attack seems fresh and new, and usually unjustified. but sometimes it takes on a whole new meaning. it helps me remember what i have learned, so i am not doomed to repeat my mistakes.

coming back and look at this stuff makes me feel so naked most of the time. half of it i want to go back and delete. but it came out of my head, so i can't ignore it.

frivved up by Ben at 11:38 PM

stop looking for chickens, stop looking for chickens. this week has been a doozy. at some point earlier, i warned matt not to count his chickens before they hatch. it was the only advice i could impart on him at the time, but it was really unnecessary. when i said it, we both agreed it was a good object lesson, but neither of us believed there was any reason to worry about the chickens.

and now, mere days later, i am sitting here in the same situation, but i am still on the edge. i could be counting chickens right now and not even know it. the way i see it, i don't have any choice in the matter. there is no reason to hesistate. i have to proceed forward. i am on the edge. instead of standing there paralyzed, clinging to solid ground, this time i am just going to jump. i see more positive scenarios than i ever remember seeing.

this week has had a profound impact on me. it feels like years have passed since last friday. every day brought something new. every day something changed, and for the better. every day i had to gain new perspective, just to be able to understand the implications of what happened the day before. every day! the event themselves just don't seem possible. but it happened. i was there. i was there today. there isn't even anything to second guess. all i can think about is tomorrow.

frivved up by Ben at 10:40 PM